Yesterday, I decided I had had enough of feeling constricted in my clothing. I went to the Everett (Ghetto) Mall to check out what they had in the maternity section of Old Navy. I tried some maternity jeans on and figured they felt good and looked like shit. Oh well, I bought them. While there, I found a cute, fuzzy zip-up one-piece for a newborn. It was super soft and fuzzy with footies, built in mittens, and a hood that had bear ears. I had to get it. I decided this was going to be Farrah's "I'm on my way home" outfit. We'll put her in a onesie with a hat and then wrap her up in this cuddly thing. It'll be like bringing home a kitten! Seriously, it will be the middle of winter and this thing is easy to get a child in and out of, plus it's so fuggin' cute. Mike agreed and therefore it will be so.
I continued shopping, thinking maybe I could find some tights to wear under my clothes while it gets cold out. Perhaps, even find some cute drawstring pants at Macy's. I found some sweet oldschool tights (the kind you put on a little girl under her little Christmas dress), some green cargo pants and a pair of jeans. The jeans are super fun and so are the cargo pants. I forgot about my ugly maternity jeans. I will be returning those. They're awful. I'm not a mom yet and they look like mom-jeans. You know what I'm talking about. It gives you a nice frontal-butt and makes your real ass look round and flat. Very unflattering. I don't get it. They also make you look pachook. "Pachook" is a word that my brother came up with with his hockey teammates years ago to describe a person (particularly a woman). They came up with the word back when the style was to wear stretch pants. Some women would wear their stretch pants and it looked like they had filled their pants full of shit. They were tight around the legs, but around the ass it was flat and saggy; no flattering shape whatsoever. Pachook. This is the look of maternity pants. Not only do you have a full belly, you have a full load festering in your pants. This makes you look like you clearly have issues going on in both of your "ends". Are we waddling because we need to balance the new weight sitting in front of us or are we trying to make sure we don't get any on us while we quickly try to make it to the restroom? That's just what it looks like.
My new pants hug my larger-than-usual ass nicely. They do not make me look like I pooped myself. That is why the maternity pants are going back. I don't want anyone to think I need Depends.