You might think the stories I would come across would be those that are shared by the fascinating individuals I have the privilege to work with every single day…but no. Those who know me well, know that it's not in my nature to simply look at all the "normal" good things in the people around me, but rather all the funny things. Little by little, I'll share some stories of what I encounter.
But yesterday was one of my favorites…
There is an old man that doesn't "live" in this community, but he lives OFF of the community. Eating our food, staying all day and night, bumping into our walls while driving his wife's electric scooter that she needs but he's always using. He also loves the ladies…not just his wife…but ALL the ladies he encounters. I don't care about his personal life and the fact that his wife also doesn't care, but I don't like that he hits on every single old lady in the place (including one a week after her husband's death).
The thing is, this man is very, very, very old. Do you remember the movie Poltergeist 2? Remember the actor that scared the shit out of you? Well, um, that dude is at my work!!
Let's call this man "Kane" (you, know…like in Poltergeist 2). Kane rolled into my boss's office in his wife's scooter yesterday to talk about some white noise, until she just interrupted him and said, "You know, Kane? It's time we get you in here and classify you as a resident because the state basically says you are and you can't just keep on coming in here and saying you're visiting your wife when you're actually living here. By law, we have to have you pay for your stay and put you in our system." Kane's best way of getting out of being put on the spot was to say, "Well, I guess I'll get my information together for you tomorrow." and proceeded to make his exit. Badly.
You know when someone says something to you and your response is, "Pshh. Whatever." That was what he was saying. But when we say it, we usually walk off with an exit that leaves the person who we left behind bewildered and a little dumbfounded.
Kane left us bewildered, that's for sure.
He started to back up with the scooter and bumped into the wall. Went forward and bumped into a chair. Back to the wall. To the desk. Then the door. This whole time, mind you, we aren't a bunch of assholes just watching and letting it happen…we were moving things and telling him, "Oops! Almost, Kane." But we needed to allow him the dignity to leave on his own terms, however that ended up happening. So just ease up on thinking how evil we are…you don't know. Did you see that picture? Yeah…Kane from Poltergeist, okay?
Also, the reason this was funny to me when it all went down and still is when I type this is because there was another movie that came to mind. "Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery". Remember the scene when Austin Powers was in the Underground Layer and he's in that cart stuck in the hall and trying to turn around and went one inch at a time back and forth? Yeah…that's pretty much what was happening with Kane. All the way down to him switching the button over to reverse, back to forward, back to reverse again. Over and over and over.
Again, those who know me and who don't even need to know me all that well…know I am not an asshole. But shit like this makes me laugh and makes my day. We watched him struggle to get out and we tried to do more, but he was having his quiet temper tantrum about not getting to mooch off of every person who lives and works there…so we let him make his awkward exit.
Don't feel bad. This will probably be said to us when we go back into work next week: