Sunday, December 30, 2012

Scumbag Santa

I have to rant a bit about Santa this year...or rather, one of Santa's helpers.  I felt the need to put this entry off...just in case the real Santa found this to not be "nice".
This year, we put off seeing Santa with Farrah for reasons I still don't understand...laziness perhaps?  That sounds about right.
Anyway, while on the dark side of the mountains, I decided to take her to my favorite Santa.  The Santa at the Alderwood Mall.  He is SO real!  I saw him when I was pregnant with Farrah and he was the Santa Farrah saw for the first time.  We'd never gone back simply because it was always so far out of the way and because the line to see him made me think I was in line for the Mr. Toad ride at Disneyland...the ride no one wants to go on.
This year, we went the morning of Christmas Eve (which by the way, is the best time to go do your last minute shopping because no one is there and everything is on sale).  We got in line which was crazy short, and Farrah and I began to discuss what she was going to ask Santa for Christmas and I had reminded her to let him know how good she'd been this year.  As we made our way around a corner, one of the Elf "helpers" came up and asked Farrah what she was going to ask Santa for.
"I want an iPad!"
"Oh, I don't know if we'll be able to help you with that.  We only make toys."
Uhhh...what the hell did she just say?  I figured I'd let it slide because she must have been drunk.
We began to make our way up closer to Santa, and Farrah was getting more and more eager.  I kept asking her to keep her list going so she was sure not to forget anything she wanted to share with the jolly old man.  Also, I reminded her again of how very good she was this year and she should be proud to tell him that.
It was our turn next.
Farrah sat with Santa who looked about as perfect and wonderful as you would expect him to be like he was the last times I saw him.  Simply the best Santa.
But then...he blew it.
Santa:  What would you like for Christmas?
Farrah:  I would like to have my very own iPad.
Santa:  Well, I only make toys so I'm not sure I can do anything there. (in a bored voice, mind you)

What. The. Fuck?  In my mind, the thoughts of "I will kill you Santa! KILL YOU UNTIL YOU ARE DEAD!!!" kept going through my mind.  In the very least, I wanted to kick him in the God Damn shin.

Farrah:  I'd also like to have real dinosaur bones!
Santa:  Uhhh, I don't know how I'll be able to help you.

Hey Santa!  Why don't you go sit on a giant candy cane and spin on it!!!  Yes, this is ugly, but I swear my daughter will NEVER see that jackass EVER again.

So, am I to assume that when a child asks this Santa to help make his dying brother with cancer better, his response will be, "Sorry, we only make toys.  Good luck with that!"
Or, "My dad is fighting in Afghanistan, please bring him home soon."  He'll be sure to say, "You'll need to ask for toys.  I only make toys!"
Screw you fake asshole Santa!
You may not be able to make every kid's request a reality, but it is your fucking duty to fake that shit and make those kids feel special and filled with a little bit of hope.  Even if it is for something as silly as an iPad.  It wasn't silly to Farrah and neither were her dinosaur bones.

In the future, she will not be subjected to the evil lies that come out of the Alderwood Mall Santa's stupid face.  In his old age, he has become awnry, crotchety, Grinchy, and a ruiner of Christmas for any child that asked for, heaven forbid, anything more than a toy truck or a doll.  An absolute dream killer.

Do NOT ever see this guy.  He's crusher of Christmas joy!

See what I mean?

In the end...the real Santa made good by our little girl.  YES she got her iPad!  Not only that, her Uncle Steve and Auntie Bree bought Farrah fossils.  Did she have a wonderful Christmas? Yes she did!  I KNOW she let what came out of Fake Santa's mouth pass from one ear out the other because she knew what she wanted.  She's proof that even at that age, you can still dream and still believe.  She did and she got what she asked for.  Merry Christmas Farrah!  


Dear crappy asshole fake Santa:  I think it's time to hang up your own stockings and retire.  You're so done.

Friday, December 21, 2012


Did you notice the more cheerful background to my page?  I did.  Because I made that happen.  Actually, I wanted to pull away from the dark page (even though I thought it looked rad) and add some "feel-good-ness" to it.  
Not only are there changes on my page, but there are changes happening in my life.  I am working on making these changes to be something that will bring me joy, an open mind, a sense of freedom, and some peace and stability.  What silly things to strive for, right?  

I have pictured in my mind the following:

I am wandering around a large oak tree with the desire to climb that tree, because up there is beauty that I can't reach, but so desperately want.  And a hand reaches down from within the branches and helps me climb the beautiful tree and it ends up being me who has helped me.  

In the end, it is only me that can save me or lend me that helping hand to reach the beauty that I have every right to touch.  With some time and some trust in myself, I will find that girl that I've loved for almost 36  I have no doubt and I look forward to my future.  

Okay, life, I'm ready when you are...

Monday, December 10, 2012


Add another notch to my life lesson belt.  Times have been difficult, needless to say, for me.  They have been for quite a while and longer than I care to admit.  When we were kids and we'd say we couldn't wait to grow up and be adults, why wasn't there some sort of owner's manual or warning label that came in our 18th birthday card instead of the $5 dollars a relative gave us?  Don't get me wrong, I have had some wonderful times in my adulthood, but the hardest times I've had have also been as an adult.
It's weird when we become so emotional about circumstances in our lives that we suddenly learn to shut down completely.  I had no idea that was even a psychological option.  When things have come to a head and life has kicked me in the stomach over and over again when I was already beat to shit on the ground, the tears stopped flowing and I started to no longer care.
I understand that with pain, comes healing.  And the healing will offer wisdom.  However, it seems like the phrase that adults used on us as children, "Life isn't fair" is quite the understatement.  It isn't.  It isn't fair at all and quite frankly the lessons that have been doled out to me over and over again have gotten really god damn old.
I get it!  People can hurt you.  Those you love can destroy your heart.  You can make mistakes that you will pay for later.  Friends won't always be there and in fact, they can be responsible for some of your heartache.  We meet people and think they're great, when actually there's an ulterior motive on their part.  I had no idea that the shit you see in movies and soap operas could actually happen, and yet this is the life that I am living.  But I'm not alone.  Others experience equal and worse things.  I don't compare my life experience to others though, because we all have our own interpretation of what it looks like and feels like to us.  I don't want anyone comparing their shit with me either.
This is a crap post and I'm actually not sorry at all.  I've kept it to myself and have continued to write about all the funny things that have been happening in between the times when I feel like my entire world is crashing down around me.  Fuck it.  This will probably be my only shitty post for 2012, but it needed to be said.
People, if you're struggling...know you're not alone in your pain.  We are all struggling.  Even those of us who like to write about the humor of life. just isn't funny.