Thursday, July 21, 2011

Three Blind Mice

Three blind mice
Three blind mice
See how they run
See how they run
They all went after the farmer's wife
She cut off their tails with a carving knife
Have you ever seen such a sight in your life
As three blind mice

Yeah.  Um, I just sang that to Farrah and when I looked down with a smile on my face, her jaw was at the floor and her eyes were bulging out of her face.  Here, I thought I was singing a classic to her; something that I grew up singing.  Little did I know how very violent it was.  Who wrote this murderous tale?  She was not pleased and told me, "Mama, that's a BAD song!"

My bad.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

An Old Story

I just remembered an old story from back when I was just out of high school.  In fact, I may have still been in high school, but don't judge my poor behavior.  I'm telling this story because I was reminded of it today and thought I should write about it so that I never forget it.  Because it's that good (to me).

One night, some of my girlfriends Jen, Becky, Amy, Suzie, Mariah, and I had gone out to a Denny's after some teenage drinking.  Yes, I know, bad, bad, bad.  But this is old news.  One of us was sober because we were at least smart enough to designate someone to not be retarded, it just so happens that this night it was not me.  Becky and I were usually the good girls, but this night we were tipsy.  I, in fact, was pretty lit.  The typical hang out to go to when wasted was Denny's.  We were seated and we noticed some older guys (older, like they were probably 21 or 22) watching us.  Becky and I decided to be brave and invite ourselves to sit with them and start to flirt and shoot the shit with them.

However, she and I had a plan up our sleeves.  We positioned ourselves so our girlfriends could watch what we were doing.  When Becky would start talking to them and their attention would be on her, I would grab one of their cheeseburgers and take the biggest bite I could fit in my mouth.  (I'm scream laughing as I type this).  Then when she was done talking, I would begin jumping into the conversation and have their full attention while Becky grabbed a handful of french fries and stuffed her face.  This went on and on and every once in a while the guys would glance at us while we ate their dinner, but never say a thing!  By the time we were done with our flirting, we had basically finished their meal.  We were dying we were laughing so hard.  These poor guys were so polite they never said anything to us and our hobo ways.

Looking back, we were such assholes for doing that, but I have no regrets because it was one of those times in my life where the scream laughter was never ending to the point that my stomach and face hurt and I was crying from laughing so hard.  Even now, I can laugh hard at this story.  It's one of my favorite "being bad" stories.

Thursday, July 07, 2011

Blog-worthy Restaurant Review

Farrah and I went out for lunch yesterday.  To protect the innocent, I will refrain from name dropping the restaurant we went to.  We decided to go for Chinese food.  Sounded good at the time, and you can always count on leftovers for dinner so you're usually getting two meals in one.  Great idea.  Well, once we opened the door to this "restaurant" I should've turned around immediately and ran back to my car.  But, no, I'm to damn polite to do something as smart as that. There were festive Chinese lanterns hanging from the office-style-tiled-ceiling which seemed to kinda match a normal Chinese restaurant themed environment, but then I looked at the chairs and tables.  They were the type of chairs you'd find in a bowling alley or in a diner that should've been closed down years and years ago.  The kind you saw back when they allowed you to smoke while eating your dinner.  You know what I'm talking about. You're probably picturing brown vinyl chairs with the metal legs?  Close.  They were red vinyl to keep with the color theme hanging from the ceiling.  The tables matched with the metal legs and the tops were glass covered over paper place mats that showed the Chinese calendar with the corresponding animals. 

Those things weren't what frightened me.  I was frightened by the sight of NO ASIANS in this ASIAN restaurant.  In fact, the waitstaff consisted of all white women no younger than 60 years old.  No joke.  I thought I had somehow made a wrong turn and ended up at the Poodle Dog in Tacoma.  In fact, that's about what the place looked like, but scaled down and not as cool.  At least at the Poodle Dog, you know what you're getting yourself into when you walk in.  I was not prepared for this.

I looked over the menu to try to decide what to order.  Of course, I recognized the names of all the meals but was a bit nervous as to what we would be presented with.  I couldn't help but notice the patrons that ate next to us.  Old.  They were very old people.  To my left and to my right.  Old people. Then the people that came in to pick up their lunch were OLD.  WHERE THE HELL WAS I?!!! 

Deep breath.

Farrah and I went safe.  I ordered the Almond Chicken and she ordered the Sweet and Sour Chicken.  "Is that all white meat?"  "No, honey it's a mix."  Goddamnit.  First we were served the "soup".  You know the kind you usually get before your meal?  It's usually Egg Flower soup, right?  Right.  Well, their version of Egg Flower soup had the typical Egg Flower noodley stuff, along with peas, carrots, meat, canned mushrooms, barley.  Barley?  Yep.  That's typical right? BEEF BARLEY SOUP. To be polite I tried the broth.  Tasted like Beef Barley soup.  Yuck.  Well, that got pushed aside and laughed at.  Then our lunch arrived.  I had the biggest grin on my face because I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was blogging about this meal.  Abso-freakin-lutely.  It looked like I had 5 giant chicken thighs deep fried in thick batter and covered in a gravy-esque substance that looked like something that belonged over a turkey dinner.  It was dusted with remnants of almonds.  That's how it was justified to be called Almond Chicken.  In the center of my plate was cheap old-school style Pork Chow Mein.  No pork.  No noodles.  Just a LOT of celery, some bean sprouts, and those Chinese noodle crackers.  I swear to god I was picturing some old lady in the back reading from some Betty Crocker cookbook on how to prepare Chinese Food.  But I knew that couldn't be the case because just about everything from Betty Crocker is spectacular.

Farrah's plate was almost identical to mine only with a pink sauce over the top.  I had to cut her meat for her and look for pieces I was comfortable to serve her.  She seemed to enjoy her meal just fine, but that's because she primarily ate her rice (which also had canned mushrooms in it).  She drowned her rice and everything else on her plate with soy sauce which probably helped.  I had also been so bold as to order the fried shrimp on the side.  I'm used to getting shrimp the size of half a hot dog.  No, these were precooked and precurled shrimp, so they looked like the size of a mushroom.  I had to taste the mustard that came with it to make sure it was Chinese mustard and not basic Yellow mustard.  Score one for them.  It was kinda the real deal. 

When the waitress came around to check on us she said, "Oh, it looks like you two still have some work to do." Again, sounding like a waitress from the Poodle Dog.  "No, we're good, thanks."  "I'll get you some boxes."  "That's okay."  All I could picture was how cruel that would be to make my garbage can outside endure the smell, let alone my car for the whole 10 minutes to get back to my house.  I knew I'd have to make different plans for dinner since leftover "Chinese" food wasn't going to be it.  So...uh...yeah.  We won't be going back there.  At least I know it won't be on my "Hey, let's go eat at fill in the blank tonight" list.