Sunday, June 23, 2013

Dirty Little Shakespeare Mouth

I don't think I should even bother asking the question:  "Does this happen to other people?"  Because I'm sure that it doesn't.  I'm weird, so I get weird thoughts or ideas that pop into my brain.  Sometimes the ideas are brilliant and sometimes the thoughts are very intriguing.  However, this happens to me from time to time, and quite honestly, I have no idea why.

In my mind, I'll have little conversations about what is going on around me and wonder how it would sound if I spoke them out Shakespearian tongue.


Why the hell would I do that?  Well, again, as stated before...I'm weird.  But also, I think it's funny.  I think it would be funny to get mad and speak in Old English combined with my regular ways of communicating.

For example:

"Why, pray tell, would you fucking even say that shit to me?"

"Dost thou not enjoy what I made for dinner and slaved over for hours and hours?"

"I say! Henceforth, your room had better be clean or I swear to Christ I'm throwing away all your toys!"

"Ah, behold the fair maiden who goeth horseback riding at her horse camp so I can get some mall-time in."

"I beseech you to tell me the god damn truth!  You know I hate being lied to, fucker!!"

Those are just some of the crappy examples I randomly came up with.  There are so many others tucked away silently that will never escape.  But really, I have no idea why I think up stupid shit like this.  I do think it's funny though.

Mind you...these are examples and not based on anything true...except maybe the clean room.

Wednesday, June 05, 2013

Uh Oh...My Geek Is Showing

I have a confession to make.  It's embarrassing, but well, it's me.  Sometimes I watch cheesy TV shows and/or movies.  When I do this, I tend to pay attention to parts of the shows that don't matter.  However, it seems to matter to me enough, that here I am, writing about it.

We'll start with Hunger Games:

Nope.  I haven't read the books.  After reading several books that have some seriously hot and heavy sex scenes in them, the Young Adult books are not ones that draw me in.  So, I'm going to bring something up that is probably explained away in the books, but whatever.
Why does it seem like the movie is confused and takes place back during the great depression as well as somewhere in the freaky future?  Is that our choice?  Look like dog shit...or look like fancy dog shit with weird eyelash extensions?  I choose neither, thanks.  Also, when the kids are being shuffled in, what's up with their "looks"?  Every time I see that scene, it reminds me of a documentary on the holocaust.  Why do the boys have their hair parted that way?  Why are the girls wearing Mary Janes with short socks?  Why are they "dressed up" in shitty clothes for their possible and inevitable death?  And the colors are all sad blues and greys.  Gah!  If I'm destined to be picked from that jar, I'm wearing a RED tank top with sassy jeans that screams "Pick me! I'll take those sons of bitches out!!!"  I'd die, of course, but I'll die in style.
I suppose I put this movie on at night as part of my sleeping ritual because those dull clothes put me to sleep in a matter of minutes.  I win.

Next...(so embarrassed)...Vampire Diaries:

I will is entertaining.  While sick all last week, I chose it as my "I feel like hell and want to be dead now" show and it started, I slept, and it stayed on playing one episode after another.  What I learned from this show is, holy shit, this is the richest town in all of America!  I want to move there as long as it isn't my tax dollars paying for the extravagant fund raisers, and balls, and dances, and parties.  Also, I could do without all the supernatural peeps in town.  So many douche bags there!  Okay, but here's what gets me...the constant black tie events and the high school dances.  Are you kidding me?  I went to a high school that had money, but not billions of dollars which their town and school seems to run off of.  Stashes of it!  There is an episode where there's some 60's dance and they just HAPPEN to have a VW bus as "decoration".  Why?  They were busy painting it and the whole school participated with big smiles on their faces, painting posters 'n shit.  Who has time for that?  Do any of those kids have jobs?  Don't they have homework?  Does anyone know how much paint costs in that town?  Do they realize I'd love to have that VW bus that they ruined with weirdness?  Dammit!  And everyone there drinks like a fish!  Oh man, there have been times I've seen that show and I would think to myself, "Mmm, a glass of scotch sounds good right now."  I've never thought scotch sounded good...ever.  But, holy crap, Vampire Diaries sure makes it look delicious!  I might have to consider stocking up.  They are doing a genius job at marketing the hell out of alcohol and it always looks so tasty and refreshing and everyone is drunk and dancing and having fun!  See!!! I want to move there!

Finally, and most humiliating of all...Breaking Dawn (Twilight):

How the fuck did she get pregnant?
When she was on her period, did he stay away from her - like miles and miles away?  Here's the thing:  these "vampires" are supposed to be made out of stone, frozen for eternity (and sparkly, too!).  When they finally did the exactly GOT her pregnant?  For crying out loud, the books say they can't even cry because everything about them is frozen SOLID.  So what the fuck went into Bella's vagina and made her pregnant?  Rocks?  Ice cubes that melted and suddenly became sperm?  And sorry, but how did Edward get a boner?  It takes blood...which is a fluid, to get hard.  If he was already hard because he's made of stone now, does that mean that poor guy was walking around with a boner for the past 100 years.  (Don't even get me started with that whole pedophile freakshow). That part of the storyline was pushed away so much because everyone was so thrilled that the 19 year old girl was pregnant! Congratulations on something so freakin' weird.
And then there's the weird baby-child.  I do not get why the hell the director went down the path of insisting that the baby/little girl look the same always like in real life.  Well, it isn't real life.  It's a fucking movie.  Find a baby and use it.  Find a little girl and use her.  Then find a little girl that is practically her twin that's just a little older and use her.  What is up with the computerized face??!!  It freaks me out and it's awful to look at.  Ugh!  They should've simply used a Cabbage Patch kid at that point because it was just too ick for me to look at and not ruin it even more.


Sorry, I tried to find a clip or something to show how the face doesn't match the head.  I CANNOT be the only one who is bothered by this!!