Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Fishy, fishy, fishy, fish...

Monty Python's "Meaning Of Life".  Anyone?  Anyone??
Irrelevant to the story anyway.

I'm going to walk you through an experience I had recently while doing laundry.  You know how you dread the children accidentally leaving crayons or markers in their pockets on laundry day?  Or perhaps you've left gum several times in your pockets and never seem to learn your lesson?  Here's a new and perhaps more frightening experience.

I was removing the wet clothes from the washer into the dryer, little piles at a time.  Suddenly, I saw it.  My eyes got big and the only noise I could hear was coming out of my mouth, "Noooooooooo. No. No. Oh"
Pen?  Nope.
Crayon?  Nope.
Gum?  Nope.
Fish Oil Capsule from when I'd planned on taking my daily vitamins?  Yes!!! Ding! Ding! Ding!

The capsule was swollen and very, very empty of its contents.  I slowly lifted the damp clothing in my hands and brought them to my face to inhale what I anticipated was going to be the scent of garbagy-stinkiness along with Downy freshness.  I could feel the slight lump in my throat when I looked down and saw a second capsule and simply knew, my favorite clothes would probably have to be burned.  But wait!!  I didn't smell the fish oil.  I grabbed another handful...nothing.  Anyone who takes fish oil capsules knows how good they are for you, but also the unpleasant smell of the pill.  All I smelled was Downy.  Downy, Downy, Downy...I LOVE DOWNY!!!

Clothes saved and no tears!  But I saved the capsule as a reminder to be sure to have my head pulled out of my ass before washing anymore clothes.

However...that is not the end of our story.

After some time had gone by, I did discover one casualty of the fish oil capsule debacle.  One of Farrah's long sleeve white tee shirts.  It took one (or two) for the whole team.  Thank you, Farrah's shirt.  May you burn brightly out in a garbage field somewhere far from my home.  You smell awful.

Monday, November 25, 2013

Accidental Porn

Yes, the title of this is odd and the direction the following stories take might make you cringe...but, I think that's the point.  True stories always do that.  Keep in mind, if you're not comfortable with porn, don't read this blog.  And also, we can't be friends.  (Kidding)

Last night, Farrah didn't want to sleep alone and I knew the only way to make it so she didn't feel alone was to turn on her TV.  I've never used her TV before because I'm really not a huge fan of her using it. I will let her watch her Disney movies on her portable DVD player or a show on the iPad from Netflix, but that's it.  Well, when the football season started, I paid to have cable installed so that I wouldn't miss any games like I did last year.  I'm cheap, so I will probably cancel after the Seahawks take the SuperBowl, but that's a whole other story.
Well, the deal I got with Charter was for the price of 2 DVR boxes, I could get a 3rd at no extra cost.  Hmm, 3 TVs, 3 boxes, game on in every room...I wouldn't miss a thing.  Wise decision.

I have yet to have the game turned on in Farrah's room.  I'm pretty sure we've used the TV at least once when she had a sleep-over, but that was a while ago.  So, I walked Farrah up to her room and grabbed the remote and we sat on the bed while the TV warmed up making a slight humming sound and the screen brightened the whole room from a still image of...(drum role) some chick getting it from behind with her big ol' pancake boob and her "Oh" face.
Holy shit.
"What's the matter mom? Why can't I look?!"
Thank god.  Those two questions told me she didn't see a thing.  So while she kept her eyes closed, my brain was trying to process what the hell I was seeing on the TV.  I don't know why I kept staring at it and wondered how the hell porn got on this TV, and I don't know why I started laughing hysterically.  I couldn't stop laughing.  It was one of those fucked up moments because it was soooo close to me having to have a very uncomfortable conversation.  I turned the TV off and sent Farrah downstairs to finish getting things pulled together for bedtime and while she did that, I turned the TV back on to see if the picture had gone away.  Nope.  Still there.  And the lady's smooshed tit was still gross.  Obviously, it was from the DVD player that had never been used by me.  Nope.  DVD player was not only not turned on, but unplugged.  I don't pay for porn channels...that I know of...I might have to check that out.  So, in the end, I simply changed the channel and the forever paused hump scene was off the TV forever (unless I'm paying for porn and don't realize it).

Another wonderful moment in the world of pornography happened to be at a place I used to work at and the incident was years ago.  The DVD player was broken in the daycare of the facility I worked at and I brought an extra one from home.  Unfortunately, at the time, Mike and I hadn't inspected the contents of the DVD player.  One of the staff was installing the DVD player and got it up and running just before the kids came in.  While I was on the phone in my office, the gal working in the daycare walked up to my desk, placed a DVD on the corner of the desk and whispered, "I think this belongs to you."  Curious and hoping it was a long lost movie I'd been missing forever, I took a look.  Annnnd that's when I kinda died.  I'm pretty sure I screamed from shock and then curled up laughing out of control.  In Mike's handwriting, it read something along the lines of "Fun Times", "Fuck Times", or more likely "Kathy's Favorites".  Oh. My. God.  And since I have no shame (obviously...look what I'm writing about), I grabbed everyone I was working with and told them what had happened and showed them the disc.
The girl who'd hooked up the DVD player told me that what appeared on the screen was a bunch of thumbnail menus to pick from and she'd immediately shut it off and brought me my movie, again missing the time that the kids walked in by only a few minutes.  Clearly, her brain works a lot faster than mine when it comes to seeing sex on TV.  I stare at a still frame of some gross chick from the 90s, with her 90s hair in a ponytail, and her 90s weird boob, and the 90s guy with his 90s hair behind her.