Monday, August 26, 2013

Diet Tip

So, I've discovered a fabulous diet that really works.  Many out there will argue with me, saying that it is unnecessary for me to be on a diet, but I disagree.  Not all diets are meant for just losing weight or gaining is simply a lifestyle choice in what we decide to put into our bodies.

I've been working on putting healthier and cleaner foods in what I eat every day to put in my body.  Deciding to push the processed foods out of what I eat has, unfortunately, been the most difficult part, but little by little it is changing and therefore, it is rewarding.  More vegetables, more fruits, more fresh meats and less crap.  This is what I've been working on.

Here's where the actual diet comes into play.  What?  No, that wasn't it.

When I go to my parents' house and stay for the weekends, they feed me.  I mean REALLY feed me.  Luckily, they continue with the pretty healthy foods, as all the fruits and vegetables come from their garden and they are in the process of purchasing cattle for their new freezer.  Best of the best.  My mother is an excellent cook and makes amazing meals.  I was raised on this kind of food.  I was also raised with a grandmother who would constantly tell me I did a "good job finishing everything on my plate".  Even though she's been gone for over 6 months, I can still tell she's watching me and making sure I finish EVERYTHING on my plate.  She was never unpleasant about it, just encouraging.  Well, I ate amazingly Friday night.  I ate so much...I looked 4 months pregnant.  I am NOT exaggerating.  My stomach pushed out so far, Farrah and I were laughing about how big the baby was.  No baby...way too much food.

I asked my mother for a laxative.  Nope.  I needed that out of my body STAT!!!  I couldn't imagine how I was going to feel the next day considering I could barely stand up without moaning and whining that I ate too much food.

Saturday...nothing.  No action, no relief.  Still ate and still ate healthy as always.

Sunday...another story.  Here's the diet:

Eat healthy for a long period of time with lots of vegetables, fruits, nuts, light carbohydrates, various proteins, and take your daily vitamins.
Next, go to the County Fair and pick something that looks relatively healthy.  Like Crepes.

That's it!

All it takes is about 30 minutes for your body to give you a single cramp that says, "You son of a bitch. What the fuck did you just do?"

Drive home.  Drive fast.  Breathe.  Drive faster.  Breathe.  Stop the car and wait for the next cramp to hit HARD!  This one will feel more like labor.  If you remember being in labor, you do some "hoo, hoo, hoo, hee, hee, hee" to not pass out from the pain.  Your upper lip will begin to sweat and you WILL get dizzy, so be ready.
Go take care of "business".

Congratulations!!!  You just lost 5+ pounds!!!  Drink lots of water because you might be dying because you just ate fair food.  But if you survived it, good for you.

Unfortunately, this diet is something that you can only count on when you see notices that local fairs are on their way.  So, if there's a big event coming up like a wedding or a vacation, hopefully the time of the event is the day after a fair.  Go to the fair, shit your brains out, and watch the pounds melt away and be pleasantly surprised with how fabulous you're going to look!  You'll want to die...but you'll be gorgeous!

Friday, August 16, 2013

Number 2

I've been meaning to write about this for quite some time, but have neglected my duties to keep the entertainment going.  So, sorry 'bout that.

Here's the thing...I went to a coffee shop a while ago to try on a different atmosphere for my writing.  The place is a quaint and cute little coffee and wine shop.  They cook very nice lunches and dinners served with hard-to-find wines.  There's a nice couch, a fireplace, cute tables and chairs everywhere, and an entire area that used to be a roll-up garage, now an eating area.  It's really quite lovely.

In the mornings, it tends to be busy with people sitting around drinking their lattes and mochas and drips, all the while chatting up a storm.  Well, there's a reason people come into any and all coffee shops.  There's a reason they drink it at home.  It's not necessarily always for the caffeine.  Coffee serves another purpose.

It's to poop.

Don't get shy about it because we all know it's true!  Coffee helps you poop, therefore keeping you regular.  The regular routine to go get your morning cup of java is to also help your digestive system move things right a nice and easy pace.

So, why bring up the coffee shop, you ask? has one (that's right) ONE bathroom.  A unisex bathroom!  Even smell-swell spray.  Who the hell thought this was a good idea and what inspector signed off on a restaurant to have one (that's right) ONE bathroom?!!  The two times I've ever been there, I only needed to go in for a number 1 that first time, but after some dude did a number 2.  Gah!!  Serious?  The second time I went there, I knew better.  But guess what I was eating?  I was sharing fondue.  Fondue is CHEESE, yet another reason to have to run to the bathroom.  The one, ONE bathroom.  I didn't need it because I was too busy having wine to give a shit (pun intended!).

I suggest that when choosing a coffee house to frequent, choose one that has more than one bathroom.  And if your purpose is to help you go number 2, perhaps save that for home.  It's better at home anyway.