Monday, May 20, 2013

Wooly Mammoth Surprise

Farrah and I are watching "Walking with Beasts", a show from the BBC on Dinosaurs and other animals.  We just finished watching the episode that included the Wooly Mammoth.  As with every animal show, this one likes to show how the extinct ones used to do the nasty.  And I wasn't paying attention until this happened:

Farrah:  (laughing) Mama look! He's climbing on her back!  Hahahaha!

Me:  Oh!  Well, um, I think he wants a piggyback ride because they're going for a very long walk.  He must be tired.

Farrah:  That's funny!  He's so much bigger than her and she's going to give him a piggyback ride?  THAT'S SO SILLY!  Hahahaha!

So, yeah, I had to find a clever way to explain away the humping happening on the screen.  The male Wooly Mammoth was giving it to the female real good and I had to say it was a piggyback ride.  Admittedly, I am grateful for the fact that I see the world as one big cartoon so that I could shut that extinct-animal-porn down as fast as I did. We were watching an "R" rated documentary and didn't even know it.


Monday, May 13, 2013

Dear iPhone

You do this to me often, and quite frankly, I've had it!  I type a word and you change it.  Why?  Are you in my mind?  Do you know what I'm thinking?  NO.  And yet, yes you do know.  You have the capability of picking up on frequently typed words and plugging them in for me as I type which is much appreciated.  However, when have I ever used the word "ducking"?  Every single ducking time I want to type the word duck you're reminding me to be a lady or some shot.
Knock this shot off or a swear to ducking Christopher, I'm going to simply continue to birth about it.


Katy (what?!!)

Wednesday, May 08, 2013


You know what I'd LOVE to have in my backyard?

Stamped concrete.

I mean, look at that.  It's beautiful, it's clean, it's low maintenance, and it has no weeds.

My yard?

Weeds.  Lots and lots of weeds.


My weeds like to grow very fast and very tall.  Also, they're super fun when the root is 2 feet long.  Awesome.  Why does my back hurt?  Why is my rotator cuff on fire?  Weeds.  God-damn-son-of-a-bitch-weeds.  Some come out with ease (and by ease, I mean I'm not grunting through the process of yanking it out of the ground).  Some like to look like they'll be a piece of cake and then SURPRISE!! Thorns.  Bastard weeds.  I left once for a week and came back to my backyard covered.  I sprayed them with super-duper weed killer that just made them wilt and the root stayed strong like a big 'ol middle finger waving at me.  When I did spray, I used the kind that attached to the hose.  Half way through the yard, I realized the can was empty and I was now watering my weeds.  They flourished!  They're so lush and green and...impossible to deal with.  I have my own solutions to this problem of mine, however it is currently over 90 degrees.  I can pull the weeds in a bikini, but that's one of those things you "shouldn't" do in a bikini.  It just looks...wrong.  Also, the tan lines could get all weird from squatting and pulling.  So, I have to wait until it cools off just a little so I can go on the attack.  I will kill the shit out of these weeds.  Kill them until they are DEAD, DEAD, DEAD!!!  

You know what's fun that happens when pulling weeds in this terrain?  Beetles!  Spiders!  Ants!  Snakes!  And don't forget my favorite...WASPS!!!  They all like to show up for the weed-pullin' party.  They're not invited, but they crash the place and I run the risk of shitting my pants.  So, yeah, not excited about the task before me...but I can handle it.  If not...I'll convince company that it's my garden and of course tell them to not step one foot out there.  Twig...she's on her own.  I hope she survives!