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Monday, February 23, 2009

Funny Story

Today was a busy day at the gym. I had to leave to run some errands that included making deposits all over town and paying bills. One of my last stops was at my local bank. I drove up to the "drive-thru teller" window and handed over Mike's check to be deposited. I was tired and very irritable. After a good 5 minutes had gone by after the teller had taken the check, I waved at her to get her attention. What the hell was taking so freakin' long??? She informed me that they needed to verify funds. What? This is a bank we've banked with for years and we've been receiving checks from the gym for over a year. I was being treated like I was new. This irritated me even more. I looked inside and saw at least 6-7 people in line that stood there and stared at me while I waited for the gal to come back and give me my deposit slip and send me on my way. They were all watching me and it was awkward.

Then it happened...

I saw it coming.

It was the biggest one I've ever seen.

It was huge and heading straight for me.

"Please god, don't come this way, please, please please."

And it did.
(All of the above, "that's what she said")

Continuing...


It was a giant bastard of a bumble bee.

It flew right into my face. So, of course, what was the reasonable thing to do? Wave my hands around like a crazy person, scream, and swear a lot. Remember, those people were watching me. Also, the microphone was turned on:

"F**K!!!!"
"F**K OFF BEE!!!"
"OH MY GOD!!!"
"GET THE F**CK OUT!!!"
" F********CK!!!!!!"
"AAAAGGHHHH!!!"

The bee taunted me like a son of a bitch. It flew into my face, then out of my window, and decided just to linger right between me and the teller. Of course, when I want my window to go up in a hurry, it didn't. It's electric. It takes its sweet ass time. Then I had to roll it back down so that I could finally get the deposit slip. There it was, floating between me and the teller. Still swearing and freaking out and waving my hands around, I managed to get my hands near the drawer and grab the slip. My eyes slowly came up and I saw people looking at me with great concern. My window went up and I took off.

I had to turn on the A/C because I was sweating so badly from my horrific experience.

F**k bees.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Remembering the 80s

I have been noticing a change in our cities, towns, communities, neighborhoods. Litter. And a lot of it. Remember, "Give a hoot, don't pollute"? Yeah, it's time for another one of those public service announcements. There is trash EVERYWHERE!!! It's so gross. I remember growing up in the 80s and seeing trash on the sides of the roads everywhere you went. Then they started the "don't pollute" message followed with "Litter and it will hurt" campaign. At that time, it seemed like overnight, the grass was grass again on the sides of the roads rather than plastic cups, McDonalds bags, diapers, beer cans and bottles, etc. Take a look out there and consider rounding up a group of people to clean it up. It's gross and embarrassing. Our area has always been nice and now it looks like we're in a 3rd world country. The area behind our business that meets with the freeway, seems to now be owned by Waste Management.

I'm hoping to get a group together myself, and clean up our town. You should consider doing the same.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Talking Toys

Some of Farrah's toys talk. Sometimes they talk when you push a button...sometimes they just talk on their own. It's the ones that talk on their own that I am not a fan of. Honestly, I'm not a fan of any toys that make unnecessary noise as there is plenty of noise being made by my daughter dragging her toys across the hardwood floor, throwing them on the hardwood floor, and her insessive demanding of whatever it is that she feels she needs in that exact moment. But the toys that want to communicate when no one is playing with them, bother me just a tad. Or the toys that sound like the evil dead are talking through them; those ones get the batteries removed from their souls.

Farrah's first, and favorite I might add, toy, is her "baby". It is a puffy little doll with a cute plastic face. We purchased the doll for Farrah over a year ago. At the time, we had no idea that the baby came with a little voice box. When we did, we were quite disturbed by what it said. It wasn't that it was a night time prayer, but the voice that was used to record the prayer. You would expect the voice to be that of a child as it is a child's toy. No. It sounded like a woman pretending to be a child. At the end, the woman-child says, "Amen" in a seductive, almost evil and taunting way. It was horrific! We immediately removed it from the doll, but saved the voice box to frighten our friends and family whenever they came over. We'd make them listen to it and everyone agreed that it was a little scary.

Next, Farrah was given a puzzle from Nanna and Poppy (Lund). It is an animal puzzle that makes the animal's noise when the correct puzzle piece is put in its place. Well, it's light activated. So, anytime a light is turned off when we're heading to bed, a cat would meow, or a horse would neh, a cow would moo, whatever animal decided to speak up. It's always unexpected and therefore always scares the shit out of us.

There is a pig that you squeeze it's "hand" and it recites the Little Piggies. It's sweet and cuddly. Tonight, Farrah went to hug the pink pig when it was sad about not getting any roast beef. When she did that, she squeezed the voice box. The voice box has a woman telling the story and a child's laughter at the end. At that moment, Farrah's hug squeezed the box making the women's voice get deep and slow and the child's laughter deep and slow and therefore, evil. It was gawd awful. It even made me shout at it. I now hate that toy.

Of course, I saved the best for last. Farrah picked out a cute little African American baby for her birthday that giggles, coos, babbles, and moves its head and arms. She loves it. It, too, is light and motion activated. If all the lights are out and Mike and I are cuddling on the couch watching a movie, the change in the lighting can set that doll off. The doll starts to move and laugh and it freaks me the eff out. The worst part??? Oh, that's when Farrah has taken that creepy doll to bed with her. One night I was unable to prevent her from bringing badness into bed with her because I was out with Mike and the babysitter sent her to bed with it. When we got home around 1 in the morning, I of course decided to check on my daughter before going to bed. She was passed out, but there was a weird noise coming from her bed. The doll's voice had been turned off, but not the ability to move. The power hadn't been completely turned off. So, there was my little girl sleeping with a doll that was moving its arms and head around. I pretty much wanted to open her window and throw it out in the woods. Fuggin' scary! Why does she love the toys that scare the bajeezus out of me???

So, from now on, all of Farrah's toys will be voice box and movement free so that I can sleep at night.