Monday, March 14, 2011


I just had to post about this because it left me dumbfounded.  Yesterday, Farrah and I went out for breakfast at our local Patty's Eggnest.  I've eaten there before so I knew I was in store for some deliciousness and crappy coffee.  Well, part of the reason I take Farrah out from time to time on our little dates is to teach her proper "restaurant behavior" or public behavior, in general.  For the most part, she's wonderfully behaved.  It's actually something I'm proud of.  Sometimes, however, she needs a lil' work.  So, she had one of those days where the booster seat became a rocking chair, her spoon became her microphone, and 2 minutes into the meal it was time to go potty.  The thing that drives me the craziest is when she's out of her seat and not minding me.  I tell her to get in her seat in a manner which is gently threatening and to the point.  Sometimes I'm lucky and she takes me seriously and sometimes she pushes me to see how far she can take it before I give her the look of "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!"  So, our breakfast lasted about 20 minutes so we could get out and head home.  When we went up to the register to pay, no one was there to take our money right away so we waited.  While waiting, Farrah grew impatient and wanted to climb on a stool, grab at things, and touch everything around.  At this same time, I was doing the whole "Honey, don't touch that. Honey, get down. Farrah, do NOT make me ask you again.  Farrah did I just tell you to not touch that?"  Finally, I had had enough.  I leaned down face to face with her, and began explaining that she needed to mind me and keep her hands to herself, when our waitress who also was the person taking the money walked up and interrupted me by saying, "Oh honey, it's okay. You're being a REALLY good girl.  And GOOD girls get a prize for being SO well behaved.  Here, pick out a little toy for being SO GOOD."

My eyes went so big and almost popped out of my mother-lovin' eyes.  I could feel my hands start to shake and smoke come out of my ears.  Unfortunately, it is in my nature (for some god-awful reason) to keep my mouth shut and not making a scene.  I'm not a fan of conflict, especially public conflict (which is why I think Farrah pushes me).

This woman gave me a freakin' smug look without actually looking me in the eyes.  She interfered with my parenting and I wanted to smack her in the face for it.  She put me on the spot as if I was one of those women who drag their screaming child around the grocery store by the arm.  I try my best to keep Farrah behaving, and not acting out on my kid like a psycho.  But when someone wants to interrupt my JOB as a mother, I wanted to scratch her god damn eyes out.  While the food is great at that restaurant, I'll be ordering out from now on.

I vowed early on (in 2006) that I would NOT be raising an asshole.  I struggle from time to time when my 4 year old acts like a 14 year old and I know a big part of it is my own fault, but I'm doing my best.  I can do better, but if someone who doesn't know me OR MY DAUGHTER, can take their opinions and stick it up their ass.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Knock knock

Farrah is four.  So, she tells four-year-old jokes.  I've been trying to work with her on her joke telling skills and am not succeeding the way I wish that I would.  We have practiced the following joke hundreds of times:

Knock know
Who's there?
Interrupting cow
Interrupting cow (MOO!) who?


Well, she can't pronounce "interrupting cow" clearly so it always sounds like "inner-ruppin' cow"!  I can understand her, but no one else really can so she doesn't get the response from her hilarious joke that she wants because she ends up having to tell it to that person about 5 times before they get it.

When I've tried to tell her new jokes, she thinks I'm making them up on the fly.  Not true.  The jokes I tell have been passed on from generation to generation and are of pure quality.  Her jokes on the other hand are terrible.  Really, really terrible.

For example:
Farrah:    Knock knock
Me:         Who's there?
Farrah:    Ummm, flowers
Me:          Flower's who?
Farrah:     Flowers the grass puppy is walking toots.  Is that a good one?!!  Is that a good one, Mommy?!!  Is it funny?!!!

Is it bad that I'm honest with her?  I just can't have my daughter going around telling bad jokes.  That just can't be my kid.  I think, for the most part, her dad and I have pretty good senses of humor and can be quite witty at times.  Could you imagine the embarrassment we would endure if Farrah went around telling jokes about balloons and the chair (these are just the random things that she saw in our house and turned into a joke)?  I couldn't show my face if I were to allow it.  So, I tell her, "no honey, that one wasn't a funny one."  I'm sure she gets confused because I tell her that while laughing.  She hasn't caught on to the concept of laughing at someone rather than with them.  In due time.

I should add in my daughter's defense something my mother reminded me of today.  A joke that my brothers and I would tell all the time:

Why did the elephant climb the tree?

There might be hope for her.