Add another notch to my life lesson belt. Times have been difficult, needless to say, for me. They have been for quite a while and longer than I care to admit. When we were kids and we'd say we couldn't wait to grow up and be adults, why wasn't there some sort of owner's manual or warning label that came in our 18th birthday card instead of the $5 dollars a relative gave us? Don't get me wrong, I have had some wonderful times in my adulthood, but the hardest times I've had have also been as an adult.
It's weird when we become so emotional about circumstances in our lives that we suddenly learn to shut down completely. I had no idea that was even a psychological option. When things have come to a head and life has kicked me in the stomach over and over again when I was already beat to shit on the ground, the tears stopped flowing and I started to no longer care.
I understand that with pain, comes healing. And the healing will offer wisdom. However, it seems like the phrase that adults used on us as children, "Life isn't fair" is quite the understatement. It isn't. It isn't fair at all and quite frankly the lessons that have been doled out to me over and over again have gotten really god damn old.
I get it! People can hurt you. Those you love can destroy your heart. You can make mistakes that you will pay for later. Friends won't always be there and in fact, they can be responsible for some of your heartache. We meet people and think they're great, when actually there's an ulterior motive on their part. I had no idea that the shit you see in movies and soap operas could actually happen, and yet this is the life that I am living. But I'm not alone. Others experience equal and worse things. I don't compare my life experience to others though, because we all have our own interpretation of what it looks like and feels like to us. I don't want anyone comparing their shit with me either.
This is a crap post and I'm actually not sorry at all. I've kept it to myself and have continued to write about all the funny things that have been happening in between the times when I feel like my entire world is crashing down around me. Fuck it. This will probably be my only shitty post for 2012, but it needed to be said.
People, if you're struggling...know you're not alone in your pain. We are all struggling. Even those of us who like to write about the humor of life. Sometimes...it just isn't funny.