Sunday, December 30, 2012

Scumbag Santa

I have to rant a bit about Santa this year...or rather, one of Santa's helpers.  I felt the need to put this entry off...just in case the real Santa found this to not be "nice".
This year, we put off seeing Santa with Farrah for reasons I still don't understand...laziness perhaps?  That sounds about right.
Anyway, while on the dark side of the mountains, I decided to take her to my favorite Santa.  The Santa at the Alderwood Mall.  He is SO real!  I saw him when I was pregnant with Farrah and he was the Santa Farrah saw for the first time.  We'd never gone back simply because it was always so far out of the way and because the line to see him made me think I was in line for the Mr. Toad ride at Disneyland...the ride no one wants to go on.
This year, we went the morning of Christmas Eve (which by the way, is the best time to go do your last minute shopping because no one is there and everything is on sale).  We got in line which was crazy short, and Farrah and I began to discuss what she was going to ask Santa for Christmas and I had reminded her to let him know how good she'd been this year.  As we made our way around a corner, one of the Elf "helpers" came up and asked Farrah what she was going to ask Santa for.
"I want an iPad!"
"Oh, I don't know if we'll be able to help you with that.  We only make toys."
Uhhh...what the hell did she just say?  I figured I'd let it slide because she must have been drunk.
We began to make our way up closer to Santa, and Farrah was getting more and more eager.  I kept asking her to keep her list going so she was sure not to forget anything she wanted to share with the jolly old man.  Also, I reminded her again of how very good she was this year and she should be proud to tell him that.
It was our turn next.
Farrah sat with Santa who looked about as perfect and wonderful as you would expect him to be like he was the last times I saw him.  Simply the best Santa.
But then...he blew it.
Santa:  What would you like for Christmas?
Farrah:  I would like to have my very own iPad.
Santa:  Well, I only make toys so I'm not sure I can do anything there. (in a bored voice, mind you)

What. The. Fuck?  In my mind, the thoughts of "I will kill you Santa! KILL YOU UNTIL YOU ARE DEAD!!!" kept going through my mind.  In the very least, I wanted to kick him in the God Damn shin.

Farrah:  I'd also like to have real dinosaur bones!
Santa:  Uhhh, I don't know how I'll be able to help you.

Hey Santa!  Why don't you go sit on a giant candy cane and spin on it!!!  Yes, this is ugly, but I swear my daughter will NEVER see that jackass EVER again.

So, am I to assume that when a child asks this Santa to help make his dying brother with cancer better, his response will be, "Sorry, we only make toys.  Good luck with that!"
Or, "My dad is fighting in Afghanistan, please bring him home soon."  He'll be sure to say, "You'll need to ask for toys.  I only make toys!"
Screw you fake asshole Santa!
You may not be able to make every kid's request a reality, but it is your fucking duty to fake that shit and make those kids feel special and filled with a little bit of hope.  Even if it is for something as silly as an iPad.  It wasn't silly to Farrah and neither were her dinosaur bones.

In the future, she will not be subjected to the evil lies that come out of the Alderwood Mall Santa's stupid face.  In his old age, he has become awnry, crotchety, Grinchy, and a ruiner of Christmas for any child that asked for, heaven forbid, anything more than a toy truck or a doll.  An absolute dream killer.

Do NOT ever see this guy.  He's crusher of Christmas joy!

See what I mean?

In the end...the real Santa made good by our little girl.  YES she got her iPad!  Not only that, her Uncle Steve and Auntie Bree bought Farrah fossils.  Did she have a wonderful Christmas? Yes she did!  I KNOW she let what came out of Fake Santa's mouth pass from one ear out the other because she knew what she wanted.  She's proof that even at that age, you can still dream and still believe.  She did and she got what she asked for.  Merry Christmas Farrah!  


Dear crappy asshole fake Santa:  I think it's time to hang up your own stockings and retire.  You're so done.

No comments: