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Wednesday, January 02, 2013

What's-Her-Name's Wedding Shower

I'm 95% positive I've never written about this, and I am utterly disappointed with my lack of awareness of such an important story.  Mind you, there's still that 5%.  I may have written about it...but I doubt it.

This is not a story about my wedding shower, but rather someone else's.  Years ago, when we joined Gold's Gym in Smokey Point, Mike made a friend that he worked out with from time to time.  They became buddies and decided that maybe the women should meet.  Excellent idea.  We had dinner at our house and it was awkward but fine.  We were later invited to a 4th of July neighborhood party at their place by the guy.  Their neighbors were dicks.  One told us a story about how his cat had pissed him off so he grabbed it by the tail, swung it around and through it outside.  Everyone there thought this was hilarious...HAHAHAHAHA!  Idiot.  Though, I'm not one for confrontation (especially a complete stranger who's patio I was sitting on), I had to educate him in front of everyone.

"Did you know when you grab a cat by its tail, you're grabbing his spine?  So when you flung your cat out the door by his tail, you were actually doing so with a part of his anatomy that keeps him alive and moving."

It got quiet annnnnnd a little awkward after that.  I had already decided about 5 minutes in, I would probably never see these losers again anyway, so who cared?  I remember going in with what's-her-name (Mike's friend's fiancĂ©) to discuss drinks or something stupid like that.  She seemed very socially retarded.  The dumb fireworks were done and we were heading home.  Mike had been invited by his friend to go golfing for the bachelor party.  The day before that, I got a call from what's-her-name (see, not even important enough for me to remember) also inviting me to her wedding shower.  What?  Why?

Ugh.  I even remember hearing the obligation in her voice when she was inviting me...which only made me want to go more!  Hell yes I was going to go to her wedding shower that she actually didn't want me to go to!  Then she hit me with this:
What's-her-name:  "Well, it's a naughty themed wedding shower that my girlfriends wanted to put together."
Me:  "So, what, like playful or dirty stuff?"
What's-her-name:  "Hahaha! Yeah, like that.  Sorry, I know we don't know each other well, but I wanted you to at least know the theme so you didn't feel left out."
Me:  "Oh thank you!  That could've been weird. Haha!  See you tomorrow!"

Next day...
I went to Lover's Package (back when it was still called that) and it took me forever to pick out anything.  I didn't know this girl!!  I didn't know her friends!!  If it were up to me, she'd get some weird vibrator along with some whips and chains, but I didn't know shit about her.  Not even her damn name!!  I went for some candles, lotions, kuma sutra book, and a handful of condoms to decorate part of the outside of the gift bag with.
Got to the party and immediately regretted my decision to be spontaneous and go to this chick's place.  Everyone there was her mother, mother-in-law to be, grandmothers, aunts, cousins, older sisters, and a handful of younger girls about my age.

Oh shit...what was the theme of this "party" again?

I mingled to the best of my ability.  I actually sat next to a girl who asked me how well I knew What's-her-name, and I told her how well and she started to chuckle.  She told me she had only just met her about a month prior and had no clue why she was there.  What?  Was this girl like some wedding shower gift whore?  Terrible.

Present time!!!  As the presents started to get opened, my panic attack started to set in just as it should have.  I turned to the other unexpected guest and asked her what the hell was going on and that I'd been told it was a "naughty" party.  She looked just as uncomfortable as me and said she'd been told the same thing, but played it safe.  DAMMIT!  One after another:  aprons, appliances, dish towels, new glassware, etc were being opened.  I could feel myself getting sweatier and sweatier (and I don't sweat).  There it was.  Amongst the flowery gift bags with pink ruffly ribbons, was my BLACK scandalous gift bag with black and purple ribbon with condom packets mischievously dangling off the sides...and it was next.

And here's where I got pissed...
What's-her-name:  "Um...is this going to be appropriate for me to open in front of my family?" in a tone that was full of Mean Girl-ism.  I wanted to punch her in the throat.
Me:  "I guess we'll see, hmm.  I know what type of party I was told this would be so I hope you like what I got you!"

It was innocent enough and it worked out fine for me, because her dumb friends' gifts were last and were only a little worse than mine...but they KNEW her.  Well, ready to go home.  Wait.  I was blocked in.  And horribly so.  I didn't want to be a pain in the ass, so I accepted the bullshit wedding shower prison I was in...for about 5 minutes when I thought I was just going to hop in my car and drive over the grass and through the rose garden to get the hell out of there.  I announced I needed to go and unfortunately for everyone else, it required several of them to get off their asses and rearrange the parking so I could get the eff out.

I never saw her again.  And good god damn riddance.  She was a total douche bag.  And sorry, I was not going to waste one more second on this person that was breathing the same air as me.  Needless to say since we bought them a gift, we were invited to the wedding...which we respectfully declined.

Not my best work...but I was distracted by mentally reliving that nightmare.


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