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Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Release the Hounds!

I'm going to discuss another topic of embarrassment and good humor. Remember, there is a disclosure warning of offensive topics from time to time. Well, here goes. Part of the joy of pregnancy comes prenatal vitamins, the movement of one's guts, and never enough water. With that combination comes the inability to poo. Yes, I said poo. C'mon. Don't act like you haven't struggled with something like this before. I am one, however, that refuses to "push" the possibility of getting hemorrhoids. I don't want them and don't want to ever see one. Ever. I would prefer keeping things the way they are. I really am not interested in having to invest in ointments, creams, or cooling pads. I don't believe those things belong down there. One thing I could do, of course, is take Metamucil once a day to keep things running smooth (he he he). The problem with Metamucil is it produces excess gas. Now, who wants that? Sometimes it would be fun, but with my guts all pushed around it tends to be painful and not so funny. So, that is out of the question. I don't have enough room in there for air. What is my laxative of choice? Coffee. Good old fashion coffee. A coffee enema. Sometimes something as simple as smelling coffee will get the cramping started. It's never enough, though. I have to have a latte to get things brewing (get it?). It does suck. I've been trying to wean myself off of the caffeine so that my daughter doesn't come out with the jitters. Pretty much the only time anyone will see me with a coffee in my hand is when I am backed up. Now that I've put that down, now you will all know what is going on with my bowels if I have a coffee. All it usually takes is half a cup and I'm struggling to stand and walk to the bathroom without wincing in pain and discomfort. However, it is something I can always count on. I'd prefer to go about it a different way, but I can always time my day around it and know that I won't be required to get up at an off time to "take care of business". It's almost instant gratification. You can't beat that. Kathy + Coffee = Poop. Awesome.

2 comments:

Mike Moody said...

Mike + Coffee = Hilarious reaction from Kathy upon entering the vicinity of where I have done my "business."

HAhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Poop is funny.

Jen said...

Hilarious!