Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Love Thy Neighbor (when they're sober)

Soooo, I have a neighbor who lives across the street from me. She is a great lady when I need her help with Titan when Mike and I leave town. She's helpful in letting us steal an egg or borrow a cup of sugar. She's always friendly and eager to say hello when I pull into my driveway after a long day at work. She's all these things...when she's sober. On the other hand, when she has had a few of her Coronas with lime, it's a completely different story. She has, what my mother likes to call, diarrhea mouth. Why diarrhea? Because everything that comes out of her mouth is shit. Constant flowing foul shit. She has an ugly opinion of everyone and everything in the neighborhood. She is also a shit starter. She loves to take things that people have said, twist them a bit, tell it to other neighbors, and make you look like an asshole. The first week of moving into Gleneagle, she came up to me with a bottle in one hand and a cigarette in the other to quickly give me the low down on the other neighbors. She wanted to make sure I really hated everyone before I got all settled in. "That house over there, he beats the shit out of his wife and they're in the middle of a nasty divorce. He trashed the house. You should see it!" "Those people next to you have teenage kids who party all the time and you'll hate them for sure. They're punks." "That neighbor, her name is Delores but I prefer to call her clitoris. Get it?" That was my introduction to the drunk across the street. I really hope she never sees this but she won't even know it's her because one of the main signs of alcoholism is denial.

When I decide to engage her in conversation, particularly about anything that is remotely dramatic (which it almost never is...I know better) she likes to try to make what I'm talking about bigger than it really is. She tries to take what I'm saying as if I'm talking shit about people, which I'm not. I have to remind her that when I'm talking to her about certain things, it's not necessarily to bash anyone or anything and I have no idea how she's twisted it into being that. Yesterday, was almost a day that I told her to go f**k herself. I was sharing with another neighbor about my pregnancy and how my and Mike's summer has been. Drunk neighbor was there, too. In the conversation, I happened to mention Farrah's name and the look on the drunk's face was awful. She had nothing nice to say about it and the look she received back from my face was enough to get her to shut the hell up. She had asked me if I named her after Farrah Faucet. No, I didn't. Why in the hell would I name her after someone I don't even know? Did I name her after Farrah Jeans? What the F**k are those?! She had something ugly to say about almost everything I was talking about. Her tone just sucked. However, the moment she started dogging my girl's name or anything about any of my stepkids, she knew by the tone in my voice and the look in my eyes it was time for her to grab her beer and cigarette and leave.

At what point will I learn to not even speak to her when I see the beer in her hand? She has a tendency to practically ruin everything when she has alcohol in her system. It simply pisses me off. I really care about her and enjoy her...sober. However, every time she's drunk I think I could kill her. Not to mention her perverted husband. Here are a couple of examples of their obnoxious behavior:

1). Rehearsal Dinner Night for my and Mike's wedding. We had family and some friends, but mainly those who were in the wedding. We had finished dinner and all sat down together having desert and drinking wine and beer. Who should walk in, but my lovely neighbors across the street. Already hammered, of course, but looking for more booze. The husband walked in and told me (not asked) to poor him a glass of wine. I didn't want to make a scene and tell him to leave because we were still fairly new to the neighborhood, but everyone was looking at each other asking themselves "who the hell is this guy?" He gulped down his wine, made an ass of himself, and finally got the hint to leave. Nice.

2). Another party. More likely than not, a birthday party for a family member. Oh yes, I believe it was for Donna's 40th. I had a large bottle of Jack Daniels on my table and beer in the cooler. Of course, she takes the beer but he walked over to my Jack Daniels and poured a full 8oz into his glass, said thank you, mingled for about 5 minutes and left. Oh my god. I though I was going to kill him. That was my JD!

3). Yet another gathering at our house, but it was an excuse to hook up a friend with one of the neighbor girls. It was about 2 in the morning. Both drunks saw cars in our driveway and decided to walk into our house. While talking to us about vulgar shit, she decided to scratch herself "in" her pants and then touched our friend on the shoulder. I thought for sure everyone in the room was going to barf. The drunk husband at one point started touching the neighbor girl's leg in a not-so-comfortable way. The drunk wife was also telling our friend how big of a slut the neighbor girl was (not that it would've bothered him), but that's her talking shit again. Oh, yeah, they were drinking my booze...again! I had to pretend to kick everyone out so I could go to bed as a means to make those two leave.

I think on their own they have started to learn not to come over uninvited anymore. We have had a couple of ragers this summer and neither one has walked in, yet. Thank god. I've almost got to the point to be the ugly neighbor (or I suppose it would be the hero neighbor) and tell them what they can do with themselves. It is very hard to hate someone who is a completely different person when they drink than from when they're sober. It sucks. I know sober, they mean well. However, drunk...they really want to make the people around them miserable. I'm learning to keep my distance little by little everyday with them. Mike and I can't wait until the day we get out of there. We hope to buy perhaps 5 acres of land and build right in the middle of it so we have no nearby neighbors. I love having neighbors sometimes, but not drunkies. 5 acres gives enough space so that if a drunk neighbor wants to come by, they will have passed out in the back yard before reaching our front door. Fine by me.

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