Saturday, October 28, 2006

Reality Check

It is about 2:30 AM and I have a million thoughts going through my head. I've decided to use this blog entry as a journal entry so I apologize if it gets too weird. This evening, Mike unveiled the nursery. It's amazing. It's so beautiful and he put so much time, energy, and thought into it. I can't get over how perfect it is. My problem is that I feel like I'm not showing enough emotion about what is inevitably going to be my new life. This whole experience is so incredibly surreal to me, that I don't know how I'm supposed to feel or act. I have my first baby shower on Sunday. A baby shower. For me and my daughter. I'm pregnant? I'm going to have to have these supplies in my home all the time? I'm so used to being a "part-time" parent, the concept of having a little person here 24-7 is freaking me out. I had a great conversation with Evie Thursday night and she had asked if I was experiencing any anxiety about my upcoming delivery. Amazingly, no. Not at all as a matter of fact. I view it as something that will be painful, but it will come to an end. My anxiety rests with the vision of walking out of the hospital with my daughter in her car seat, being placed in our car, driving home with her, and finally arriving and not quite sure knowing what to do next. I know that everything will fall into place and happen very naturally and I'm blessed to have a husband with some background in this department. I just can't help being a little freaked out. So much, that I am sitting at a computer typing about it while the rest of the world sleeps.

I was explaining to Mike this evening that none if it seems real to me still and it's bothering me. When I go places, I don't feel like I'm pregnant until someone asks me how far along I am. Although, I can't see my feet, for some reason I still visualize myself as being tiny and fitting in my old clothes. It's not until I get a subtle reminder of my condition from Farrah with a jab to the rib cage, a push against my bladder, a case of the hiccups, or her simply stretching as much as she can in the little room I've given her. That's when I know I'm pregnant.

I'm scared that every single emotion that I think I should be experiencing now is going to hit me all at once when my water breaks and I'm on my way to the hospital. Could I handle that? I am 7 months pregnant and I've cried once, maybe twice about the thrill of getting to have a child. Shouldn't I be wearing my emotions on my sleeve and expressing to the world how thrilled I am about my upcoming event? I feel like I seem cold about it. I can't get the emotions out. I suppose the time will be right for them to show themselves eventually. I'm just scared that if it all hits me at once, will I be this crazy blubbering basket case after she arrives? I do know myself well enough to know that when she is placed on my chest and I have my husband by my side, the flood gates will release. I just want to know that they'll stop since they haven't even really been cracked lately.

Well, there it is. I'm not bitching, complaining, or whining, just sharing. I'm hoping after the showers and seeing her room over and over for a while and allowing reality to sink in, all of this will fall into place as I'm sure it will. Honestly, I think I'm just ready to be done with this pregnancy and meet my little girl so my family can begin to grow.

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