There Goes Our Sex Life

Farrah's bed has not yet arrived, but it is on its way.  However, we do have her mattress.  So, we decided to give her a taste of what it will be like to be in a big girl bed, beginning Christmas Eve.  It was very successful.  That's because she didn't know what it meant, yet, to have the freedom of not being caged up in a crib.  But, she knows now.

"Mommy, I need to go potty."
"Mommy, I need to blow my nose."
"Hi Mommy."
"Hi Daddy. Mommy is Daddy sleeping?"
"I want to watch another movie."
"I need a hug and a kiss."
"It's over! The movie is over. Mom, it's over."

She has now discovered free will.  She just walks right on in our room and lets us know what's up, what she needs, what she feels she needs to tell us, whatever comes to mind.  She doesn't even have the courtesy to knock!  Rude.  I clearly need to teach my daughter some new manners.  One thing she hasn't quite picked up on yet, is when she is upstairs napping and we are downstairs watching TV or something, that she can actually walk down the stairs.  She just shouts from the top of the stairs at us, asking if she can be awake now.  "No."

Well, here we are at a new phase of our little girl's life.  I hate the idea of clicking the lock over on our bedroom door, but it might be necessary until she learns to knock.  I don't want her to have to tell a horror story to her friends as she grows up about when she walked in on her Mom and Dad one fateful night.  No thanks.

On another note, Christmas was wonderful.  She received a Dollhouse from Santa Claus along with dolls (from Great Grandma), chapstick, nail polish, candy canes, a little hockey set from Auntie Bre and Uncle Steve, Mr. Potato Head from Grandma Jan and Boppy Bobby, Cinderella Dress from Uncle Jeff, and so many more gifts to mention.  She had painted a ceramic cereal bowl for her Daddy with her hand prints on it, a tea cup/kettle set for Grandma Jan, a Beer Stein for Boppy Bobby, and something for Grandma Rita and Poppy Dan but I can't mention it because they haven't received it yet.  So, shhhhh.  Mike and I gave each other lovely gifts (digital photo frame and pearl ring for me - 928 photo, Bose Stereo, and custom money clips for Mike).  I received a Snuggie from Alex and Mike received the awesome new iMouse from Alex.  Very thoughtful.  Jeff and Steve were quite clever with their gifts for us.  Very fun and creative.  It was my first time making Christmas Dinner in my entire life:  Turkey, green bean casserole, candied yams, stuffing, rolls, and game sauce.  Too much for one person to do.  Now I understand the chaos of having so many of us in the kitchen during Thanksgiving and Xmas.  Hard work.  I attempted gravy and failed miserably.  Sorry.  Anyhoo, there's the most recent update.

Merry Christmas 2009...it was great!

Small Town, Watch OUT!!!

Today, was a prime example as to why you shouldn't be a douche bag out on the road; particularly if you are 1/2 a mile from my gym.  It started with me getting off the freeway and trying to merge over to the left, but everyone in the left was trying to get over to the right.  Well, the butthole behind me was trying to do the same, apparently.  However, he was unable to see that the reason I had come to a complete stop was because 3 cars ahead of me were also at a complete stop.  But, still, he insisted on honking and screaming at me to, "GOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" and wail around like a psycho.  Being the smart person that I am, I turned around and told him to  "eff yourself mother effer piece of shit, eff you!!!"  Didn't think it was family friendly to use the eff bomb but still keep it PG-13 with the word, "shit".  Of course, Farrah was very displeased with my poor choice of words, as was I.  But he was an ass!  So here, lies the problem.  Was he a gym member?  Does he frequent my place of business?  That could suck in so many ways.  This area is too small not to recognize one another.  Oh, and the best part is, my car is COMPLETELY decked out in Gold's Gym Marketing material.  Well, maybe he thinks I just love to work out and not that I'm there EVERY SINGLE DAY.  On the other hand, I could just as easily find him and cancel his membership or simply make a scene about his bad driving etiquette.

I'm probably the asshole in this, because he probably got some bad news earlier, and me stopping behind other stopped vehicles was more than he could stand.  So, sorry, angry douchey driver behind me today.

Fugly Sweater Day

Today, I picked out a pink sweater to wear to work.  It's a cute pink sweater with 3/4 sleeves and ribbed cotton.  Neat, huh?  If it were 1999.  It used to be flattering.  Mike even said it looked slimming on me, this morning.  Then, my day began at work.  I felt quite unattractive in it ALL DAY LONG.  That's a sign that the sweater must find its way to a clothing recycling bin.  I can't be tempted to put this thing on my body again.  It's almost as if I forget how bad it looks and can only remember how nice it looked on me in the 90s.  That image is engrained in my brain throughout my car drive to work, making me believe this was a good choice, later to discover it was not.

Take care, pink sweater.  I am breaking up with you.  You need to see other people and I need to see other sweaters.

Dear Mike

This blog is about you, Mike.  You have been slaving for days (really, for months) on the Fuzion Mobile program to get a little monster of a business off the ground and running.  We have several people who are putting a lot of time and energy into this, but you are who I see everyday, so it is you who I am writing about.
You work from home because you know how important it is to stay focused on your project.  And you really do!  The last few days, you have locked yourself in your office and virtually glued your ass to your office chair.  The only time you've moved is to just get a change of scenery by moving your computer to a different location in the house.  I am surprised your eyesight isn't completely failing from staring at a computer screen all day. You've written so much for the people to better understand what exactly Fuzion Mobile is all about, and when doing that, you've dissected all that you've written and rewritten it again!
I pointed out last night that you worked yourself to the point of blowing a massive blood vessel in your left eyeball.  That's like "Xtreme Working"!!!  You went without a shower for two days straight.  So, this morning I rubbed your furry head and kissed your prickly face with nothing but pride in my heart and sympathy for the sheer exhaustion I know you're experiencing.  Type, type, type, print, print, print, corrections, phone calls, web conferencing, deligating, and trying to sneak in a hug or two from your girls.
I've watched the sadness in your eyes because of the sacrafices you've had to make with your family.  But I know this is important and who you are doing this for.  She loves you so much, and who knew a 3 year old (tomorrow) would understand that daddy has work to do but it's all good?  She gets it!  And in the meantime she gets her wrestling matches with you and gets to jump off your back and cuddle up with you.  She LOVES that!  I love that!

And, then there's moments like tonight...
I watched you in a moment where you shined!  After the long nights, running on 6 hours of sleep (if that), and the blood, sweat, and tears; it all came together for this moment.  The constant pressure on you to get it done and the weight of the world on your shoulders if you didn't, and you still managed to be cool, calm, and collected throughout the whole thing.

I wanted to jump out of my seat and start clawing and screaming, because one of the investors was "busting your balls".  While he questioned you and your abilities I wanted to scream, "Because he is perfect for this job!!! Because he cares so much!!!  Because he wants everyone to be successful!!!  Because he doesn't want to nor intend to let anyone down!!!"  But, thank god for that little bit of Xanax I took right before the meeting.  I was a nervous shaking mess.  But I watched you do so well and so perfectly at something I know I would fall to pieces doing.  I nodded to Kelly that the man busting your balls, was going to be a part of what we're doing, because you had the right answers.  You weren't cocky about having all the answers, but understanding and caring about giving the man the answers he needed.  Kelly even whispered how "you were doing SO WELL."

I can't say enough, Mike, of how TRULY TRULY TRULY proud I am of you.  And I'm not saying it as your wife because I have to, but saying it as your friend, too, because it's true.  I got to see my husband in the role he was meant to have.  No experience running a multi-million dollar company?  You get to have it now, babe.

Here's The Bed

You wanted to see the bed...

Ta Dah!!!!

Farrah's new bed to arrive right before her third Birthday.

Hooray!!!

Another Milestone...

I know it's a little early to talk about Farrah's third birthday, but here I am writing about it a whole 8 days before the big day.  She is so excited.  I explained to her, "Sweetheart, when you start to see Xmas lights everywhere and you see Santa around, know it's almost your birthday!" "WOTTT?!!!"  She has learned how to hold up three fingers.  However, she knows better not to lie about her age.  She tells people, "I'm gonna be freeeee" (that's three in Farrah language).

So, other than the fact that my "Kitten" or "Face" or my sweet little baby girl is turning 3, she has moved on from another stage in her life.  Her present that her Mommy and Daddy got her today was her brand new "Big girl" bed.  Yes, my daughter has been in her beautiful crib these past 3 years of her life, which has turned out to be excellent for her.  Her crib is white, lacy, and round.  Very unique and very special. Her Daddy picked it out for her but also for me.  It was a surprise for me.  He let me in on the secret when he had been working on her room.  However, he gave me a sneak peak so that I wouldn't be upset with his choice.  I couldn't have been more happy.  He wanted nothing but the absolutely best of the best for his little girl, and so she got it.  Her crib held up so long and Farrah never became a "climber".  She always stayed in her bed.  She has done a little bit of damage over the years by chewing on it, kicking it, having a temper tantrum in it while jumping up and down, to the point now it wobbles with very little effort.  Sooooo, in effort to keep our child safe....a new bed it is!

I'm excited for her, but inside a little saddened.  She's growing up SO fast.  She has been going to pre-preschool with Gamma Jan and Boppy Poppy for the last couple of months.  She's drawing, doing puzzles, counting, and her vocabulary is growing more rapidly than ever expected (but I expected it).  So, being the little smarty pants that she is, she and I look online for new beds for her.  Anytime I turn on my laptop, she asks to look at beds.  She tells me the ones she likes and is sure to point out the ones that don't interest her at all, whatsoever.

She is getting a Cinderella Canopy bed.  It's simple, yet a little elegant and not too over the top.  But I loved growing up with a Canopy bed.  It didn't feel right that she should go from something so beautiful to something that wouldn't make her jaw drop.  It's a tubular steel bed formed to make wheels at each end and the top comes together so I can purchase a large piece of chauffon to hang elegantly.  Am I reinforcing the "princess" complex?  Probably, but not as much as I could in the next year or two.  THAT bed will be freaky cool.

So, she's graduated from the crib and will be into her new bed in a matter of days.  Again, this stings in my heart, but it also radiates me with pure joy and happiness that the look on her face will be that of complete amazement.  Because we paid attention and picked out the one she wanted.  I can't wait!

But...a small part of me can. : )

Happy third Birthday, Farrah Raquelle Moody

Um, I Don't Know

There are times that Mike and I don't keep an eye on every single thing she does.  However, we are good enough parents to at least take the time to shout out, "Farrah!!! What are you doing??!!"  Sometimes she responds with an accurate answer, explaining that she's watching a movie, playing with her ponies, or reading a book (yes, she reads now).  But! If she says, "Um...I don't know!" we know we are in trouble.  I've learned the hard way "I don't know" means she does know what she's doing and that it's not good whatever it is.  One time, that was her answer and I accepted it for what it was.  Just an answer.  She stopped whatever it was she was doing and came upstairs with me to get ready for bed.  Later, I went back downstairs to get something from the kitchen and discovered what her "I don't know" was.  It was her digging through a drawer and discovering a bag of spaghetti and dumping it on the floor.  Not in whole pieces, no!  She likes to make her messes just that much more fun for me to clean up.  She was sure to break the dried spaghetti into tiny little pieces.  Thanks.  Last night's "I don't know" was interesting.  She found the spoon and bowl full of water...in the bathroom.  Yes, it was the toilet brush and the toilet.  She put little pieces of toilet paper in the bowl and was busy stirring.  She took the brush out and put it back in over and over again being sure to cover the entire floor with the water.

"Um, I don't know" is never a good thing.

She knows.

She knows.

Look What I Found

So, out of curiosity, Mike and I were wondering what age you had to be to be considered a "cougar". I guessed somewhere after 40. But, since I wasn't sure, I decided to google, "what age to be a cougar" and after looking at a couple of sites, I found the attached link. 
http://www.dateacougar.com  
Ohhh emmmm geeeee (OMG). Effin' awesome stuff. The best part is the picture that accompanies the site...

Old Lady Garments

However...

I hope my body looks that great when I'm in my 50s.  But, I refuse to wear that.

Really..."What are you waiting for?"

Tough Decisions and Hard Choices

Well, it happened. The cookies, doughnuts, and late night snacking finally found a way to sneak up on me. I shouldn't have been surprised, however, had I just turned around. It was there the whole time...on my ass. I am the heaviest I've ever been since being pregnant. In fact, I have 15 more pounds to go to get to my peek pregnancy weight! Fanfuckintastic! So, I, just like everyone else, must reevaluate what food I'm putting in my mouth and force the workouts my body needs and wants. I don't feel completely great about myself. My belly sticks out like its got a baby bump, only it's Pepperidge Farm Golden Orchard Cookie Collection "bump". I also have a ba-donk-a-donk. Awesome. I also just bought some new jeans 3 weeks ago and they're tight. TIGHT!!! So, tomorrow, I'm switching my protein drink, going to my oatmeal breakfast, wonderful cottage cheese and fruit lunch, and hitting the treadmill hard. I'm so out of shape right now, it will take me a little while to get to the point where I used to be with how much I used to run on the treadmill. Maybe I'll have to take one of my Group X classes that I keep telling myself to take. In any case, I have to do something. And how convenient that a bunch of fat took it's claim on my 6 pack abs right before my favorite holiday. Thanksgiving. I will be there with everyone else, first thing in the morning, at the gym, working off as many calories I intend to take in. I know I can do this. I have to do this. My hair looks too rad right now to have it ruined with my new "curves".

Thank you, Mike

I want to submit a blog that publicly thanks my husband. Mike, I want to thank you for all that you are doing and all that you have done to make our family feel safe and secure. I particularly want to thank you for making me feel secure...in us. You have displayed such efforts to express your love for me and how much we are great together. I love that. I know you have gone out of your way to make me feel safe. I notice these things. You don't even have to point it out. I want you to know how much I appreciate it. I have strong faith in us and always have. I look forward to the future that I've always known would be. It all includes, love, joy, fun, and lots of laughter. We're already on our way...

I love you, Mike.

Farrah

Me: Farrah, I don't feel good, honey. I need you to help take care of Mommy. (sniff, cough, cough)

Farrah: No. You can take care of yourself. I don't want to.

So...this is the life in which I must prepare myself. I should expect by the age of 60, that my daughter will be putting me in an "old-people's" home although I'll be completely healthy and totally coherent. Mike will be wondering where the hell I am and my daughter will simply shrug her shoulders and roll her eyes. At least, she'll be a bit more compassionate in her older age and decide that clearly I can't take care of myself and therefore, will have the nursing staff do it for me. I will, of course, understand this decision of hers, because after all, she did tell me when she was two. I was forewarned.

On a nicer note, she does say to me all the time, "I love you soooooo much, mommy."

My next question should be, "So much that you won't have me put away?"

Agggghhhhhhhh

This evening, Farrah was playing and went towards the door leading to the garage when she suddenly screamed for dear life at the top of her lungs and ran into my arms. I could barely get her to calm down and stop crying. Daddy walked around to see what freaked her out (of course, my first guess was that it was a ghost, though I hoped it wasn't) and found a little frog. Mike was not thrilled to catch it. In fact, he is usually the one to take care of any critter that finds it's way into our home and always without causing damage or death. That's important to him. A frog, however, is an entirely different category than spiders, flies, bees, mice/rats, or unwanted bears. Yes, there is a bear in the Arlington area, but that is unrelated to this story. The frog was bright green and about an inch in length. Mike had tried to put together a sort of trap for the frog that involved putting together a broom, a clear plastic bowl, and duct tape. That way, no one would have to actually get close to the evil frog, which is clearly a sign of the looming apocalypse. 2012 y'all! So, I was too impatient to catch the beast while my daughter clung to me for safety. I handed her off to her Daddy while I grabbed the bowl. I started to inch toward it while Farrah whined and Mike pulled out his phone to take a picture. He let me know the reason why he wanted to make the tool was because the frog was cornered and only had one way to jump... and that would be straight for me. My hair started to raise on my neck as I approached, and the monster moved!!! I shrieked and ran away. When I say "move", it did just that. It turned around. That's it. It scared the effin' shit out of me. Mike finally stepped up to his appointed plate and took the bowl from me. He stretched his arm as far away from his body as it would go while the bowl was in hand. He followed the fleeing frog until he found his moment. It was captured under a Glad Disposable bowl. He scooped the Maxim magazine under it. In the moment he examined it, he discovered it was the same frog that was in our house YESTERDAY. It had the same Pine needle on its head. How the hell did he get back in here??? No, this was not our first encounter with this frog. We thought it was a sign that we needed to start building an arc. In the end, we decided to release the frog out into our backyard which is close to a creek. Hopefully, he will remember that is where he is supposed to live. He needs to know we do not like unwelcome guests. And clearly, Farrah is not a fan of things that jump at her.


On a side note...
We were watching the news and there was a story about a raging fire on a big dock. The news anchor said that the dock was "badly damaged by the fire". And Mike and I had to stop and look at each other with confusion in our eyes. In the footage, it showed us that it was a catastrophic loss of the entire dock. There was no dock left. So, by "badly damaged" they meant completely destroyed. Mike decided that was about as close to saying, "Carol was struck by a car and partially killed and she is not expected to survive her funeral, although her family is still holding out hope." I felt this humorous comment deserved a post. Take a bow, Mike.

Packaging Meds

You know, I may have blogged about this at one point or another, but I honestly don't have time to go back and look. So, if this is a repeat, then that means it was that important to write about more than once.

Today I purchased a packet of Zyrtec for my allergies. 5 pills. Picture in your mind what 5 pills look like (they're about the size of half a kernel of corn). They are individually wrapped around a 1.5" x 1" packet. Then those 5 individually wrapped packets are stored in another package about 3.5" x 4". Why? Is it so necessary to keep us from getting to this pill to keep my nose from running and sneezing or make my eyes stop itching? How freakin' WASTEFUL!

My Imatrex is the same. There is a sheet of very stiff card stock with foil about 4" x 2". It is periforated for approximately 6 pills in each 1.25" x 1" section. But no. They keep you guessing why they only allow 3 pills on that card stock. It makes absolutely no sense to me at all. And do you want to know the fun part? When you have a debilitating migraine, you usually need to get to those meds right away because you only have a small window to settle that exploded blood vessel down. Unfortunately, you're so busy digging your nails in (ultimately breaking that lovely nail in your haste), breaking the pill in 3 different spots, and finally throwing back the crumbs of the medication that just got destroyed.

I suggest to the government to go after the pharmacutical companies with a different approach. If they choose to be so dumb and wasteful with their packaging, they should get a nice juicy tax hike. That, alone, could pull us out of this deficit.

Whatever. I'm tired because luckily my Xanax is stored in your basic pill bottle. No waste and just the right amount of ease.

WinCo

Okay, I've told the story a few times, but many of you are waiting for my interpretation of what I call my "WinCo Experience". Unfortunately, since I have told the story verbally to people, my typed version may end up sounding stupid and insignificant. But, I'm telling it anyway, because it is worth writing about.

Let's start with my massive slash I gave myself before heading to the store. I was taking a shower and quickly grabbed my razor and swung it around towards my back to rinse it off. Too fast and too damn close. AHHHHHH SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! Blood oozed down, breathing sped up, and my heart rate increased. What did that equal? Fainting and more fainting. I don't do well with stuff like that. In any case, it worked on healing and scabbing over for the rest of the day.

Towards the later part of the afternoon, it was time for me to venture off to this store, WinCo. I had been told that I could save a lot of money there, and this somewhat prepared me for what I would find. It would be a close second to WalMart. Farrah and I went together. It was one of those reeeeeally hot days, making my seat particularly sweltering. When we found our parking spot and it was time to slide out, my scab chose to keep itself stuck to the seat while my leg went the opposite direction. Bloody mess yet again. Nice. Come to find out later, my nasty bloody wound helped me fit in quite nicely with the crowd that was there that day.

Anyway, we got our shopping cart and yes, I felt I was walking into a Walmart. There's always someone without a shirt or someone who forgot their shoes. Why, I ask. We got in and started making our way down the first aisle, and I was already checking out the various escape routes. I stood in line in the potato chip aisle like I was in line for a Disneyland ride. Only it was potato chips. The way they had their meat stacked (it was for a special) was all up on top of each other, convincing me that there was no way in Hell the meat was staying at the required temperature that wouldn't make you die. I toughed it out a bit longer and simply chose to make an adventure out of it. Ultimately, it wasn't too horrible in the end. There were a couple of times that I wanted to punch people in their faces, like when I was trying to get some sandwich meats. There was a family of five leaning their sweaty ass bodies over the meats to cool themselves off. Are you kidding me??? Sick bastards. But do you want to know what was really sick? I still bought the meat. I was on a mission! There were somethings I didn't buy nor would I ever buy. I would only feel 70% comfortable buying the produce. Produce is one of the big things that steers me towards a grocery store. If it's rotten, the rest of the store probably is too. However, I ended up getting lucky with half the fruits and vegetables that I purchased. The other thing I refused to buy there was their meats (steak, hamburger, fish, etc). I know where I like my meats and where I can trust it will be perfect every time. That's Costco or Haggens. I never see flies, and that's a good thing.

Yes, in the end, while I felt the need to take a steel wool pad shower after being in there, I ended up spending SO much less than I would've anywhere else. In fact, I could have afforded to purchase that steel wool pad and it would probably not have even dented my account. So Kudos to WinCo for sucking me into their evil clutches of bargain shopping. You win...WinCo.

Days Like Today

Sometimes there are days like today that melt my heart and warm my soul. Today was Oliver's 3rd Birthday Party. Farrah and Oliver played very well with one another as well as with Raven. They all had so much fun. I watched in awe as my little girl interacted with her cousin and new friend, Aunts and Uncles, her brother, grandparents, and of course Mommy and Daddy. This was one of those days that every chance I got I would steal a hug, a kiss, and tickle torture moments. I could have eaten her up! Any time I could just sit there and watch her, I would. When we got home tonight, I walked in her room on 4 different occasions to watch her sleep. I had to hold myself back from picking her up and just holding her. It's days like today that I feel so lucky to have Farrah as my daughter. My heart feels like it is swollen with so much love. Life is pretty good.

Dance

Am I the only one who does this? When some of Farrah's cartoons are on, I'll stand in front of the TV (so she'll have to watch me, of course) and dance real hard like I'm auditioning for "So You Think You Can Dance". Sometimes I also take a song that might be playing on the cartoon and clap my hands in a way that seems to transform the sweet song into some hard core rock 'n roll. Anyway, that's what I do.

Okay, on another note...I'm watching Noddy...again. I have to make one more observant complaint: What's up with the British chick at the beginning of these shows? She has an extremely unnecessarily strong English accent. She's really over doing it. Can't understand a damn thing she says.

Make Way For Noddy

Have any of you seen this cartoon? Noddy. Farrah is a huge fan. Every night I have to set it up for her to watch in order for her to relax for bed. That's our routine. Well, lately I've decided there's something not quite right with this cartoon. There's always a lesson to be learned as there is with pretty much every cartoon, but I seem to always be waiting for a different ending. Here's why: there are 2 goblins on the show. They're total douche bags. They steal shit and irritate the hell out of everyone in Toyland, but no one does a damn thing about it. What the eff?!! If I lived there, I would have hired a hit man by now to take them out. There's also a female monkey who wears overalls. She's a complete bitch. She walks around with a frown on her face and she criticizes everyone in town. Why? Who does she think she is? They actually had an episode about her trying to make friends, but everyone said they were already her friend. Liars. All of them. They're clearly just saying that so she'll leave them alone. She's horrible. Then there's the police officer. He's incredibly arrogant and has some weird superiority complex where he feels the need to boss everyone around, however this guy can't even put those asshole goblins in the town jail for more than 5 minutes! Are you kidding me??? Who gave this guy a job?!! At the end of each episode, I'm seriously expecting someone to stick up for themselves and the people in town by confronting these jerks. I think that would be a great episode. Everyone in town (including Noddy) should come after the goblins, the monkey, and the police officer with pitch forks and torches and kick them out of Toyland once and for all. Enough is enough, I say!

But why do we watch Noddy? Because Noddy is a good boy. He's sweet and kind and really is friends with everyone in town. Farrah and I sing along with the opening theme song too. In fact, we're watching it right now.

Don't worry. I don't discuss my issues with the other characters with Farrah. That would be rude.

Precious

This Mother's Day weekend, Mike, Farrah and I went to Wenatchee. It was just the 3 of us. Ahhhhh. It was relaxing and wonderful. Usually, we wind up watching 10 movies and several television series. This time it was a whole bunch of play dough games, Yahtzee, naps, and of course, bike riding!

Then we tried something new...

It was time for Farrah to go to bed the first night we were there. We chose not to bring her play pen to sleep in and give her a chance to sleep on the trumble bed. If it didn't work out, she'd end up sleeping on the couch. When we let her know it was bed time, she wasn't very happy. She ended up whining and pouting, but ultimately grabbed her ditty and drug her feet with her head down off to her new little room. She got all curled up in her bed and settled down.

Then he said it in the kindest, sweetest, and most sincere tone.

"God, she's f*cking precious."

And she is. She really is.

Dvd

I am writing this from my phone in bed, so bear with me (or is it bare with me? You choose). This is a story I could not pass up to share with the World Wide Web, no matter how wrong it may be.

For about a month, our gym's daycare has been without cable, let alone a working DVD player. Mike and I have shopped around looking for reasonably prices DVD players all over town. Luckily, we happened to find one stored away in our house. It's a little older, but in perfect working condition. Yay for free! I took it to the daycare and the gal working knew how to hook up electronic stuff so I let her loose. I had been on the phone when she walked up to my desk when her shift was up and it was time for her to head home. I was talking to our payroll company. When she came up to my desk she placed something on it, smiled, said, "this was in the DVD player," smiled again and walked off. I was still talking to payroll when I waved good bye and then I looked down. My stomach dropped to my toes. I could no longer hear a thing the person on the other end of the phone was saying because I was laughing so hard. I quickly wrapped up my conversation, hung up, and did my notorius scream-laugh.

We had left raunchy porno in our DVD player. When she hooked it up, the menu screen came up and the remote was fumbled with until the program had been turned off. Luckily only two kids were there, one of which was mine. This was a proud and somewhat embarrassing moment. I've told everyone. It's too effin funny not to. The good news???: we weren't on the film.

Medium...

Mike and I discovered a show that has been on the air for a little while, now. Medium. We thought, what an interesting idea for a show. A psychic that dreams of criminals and helps the police solve the mysteries. Awesome.

Then we started to watch it.

We were hooked from the word go. But not because it was so good. Because it was so bad. We cannot stop watching it. Can't look away. It's like a horrific plane crash that you know is awful to see, but you keep peaking to see if someone is going to come out screaming with their hair on fire. Yeah, it's like that.

Here's how crappy the writing and directing are. A little sample of what the dialog is usually like:

Alison: I had a dream last night about the serial killer and he lives in Arizona and drives a white Cadillac. Here's his address and license plate number

Police Chief: I don't know Alison. This seems far fetched. How am I supposed to believe what you're telling me. This is silly. Come to me when you have something I can work off of.
...

Okay, so this is what it is like every show. And the "Alison" character has helped solve over 150 crimes. How? By dreaming up a person's address and license plate number every time and giving it to the Police Chief. Why doesn't he ever trust her? After all she's done for him?!!

Then the "favor" casting. Oh, love this and can't get enough. There's a little boy on the show that plays Alison's daughter. I know, weird. But seriously, that boy is a bad actor and is supposed to be portraying the middle child who is a sister to two other bad acting children (who are girls). Bizarre. I call the boy a "favor" because there's no way this he/she was casted because he/she is talented. He puckers up his lips like he's kissing while he's talking and his voice is deep. He delivers his line like a 3rd grader reads a book out loud in class. This boy/girl's mother must have done some freaky shit with the casting director to keep that kid on the show.



You can see him/her, right? He's the blond in the pretty shirt and the receding hairline.

Another thing we noticed was the couple in the show. He's not too bad of an actor and she's alright. They have decent enough chemistry between the two of them, but it's brother and sister-like. Mike said last night, "They never f*ck!" It's so true! She's always wearing baggy-ass pajamas, and not cute ones. Something someone very old would wear. And when they go to bed together, they sleep with their backs turned to one another. (I think he's upset that he had a son that she keeps putting in girl clothes and he's just a little bit bitter.) She wears different pajamas every night. Not every show; every night she goes to sleep. Since she has to sleep a lot to find the criminals, she has to wear a lot of pajamas. They're usually floral print, a funky design, and sometimes just a solid color. They're the button up type. He on the other hand always wears the same nasty ass greenish brown t-shirt. No wonder they never get it on...they're not appealing.

Also, they constantly argue about how silly it is that perhaps one or two of their daughters have psychic abilities. The parent who actually has the abilities is the one who argues how ridiculous it is to think that they could possibly be able to see things. What?!!

Watch the show if you want to be entertained by picking it apart to death as I have, otherwise, save your time and trust that it isn't worth getting sucked into as Mike and I have. We know it's awful, and yet, we have it recorded on our TV in the living room and our bedroom. We're hooked.

Bater

I'll keep it simple and to the point...

We have a "bater" at our gym. By "bater", I mean she's a Mastur of the Bating. Get it? Soooo grossss! Why do we get the weirdos?

We might have to follow her around with the disinfectent spray all the way out the door. Bye Bye, sicko.

Loves

"I love you, Farrah."

"I lah loo mama. I lah loo daddy."

And then she takes my face and her daddy's face and gently pushes us together so we kiss. Then she puckers up and kisses us while we're kissing. The three of us kiss together at the same time.

And later she sings a song titled "My mommy, my daddy". Those are also the lyrics.

Iss Fweddy!

Farrah has several new words she uses that she has made her own. She used to call diapers "Ds" and her blanket "ditty". Mind you, she has not stopped calling them that. She's just not using diapers anymore and therefore doesn't have to call them anything at all. Now she uses "Doras".

If the timer goes off on the oven or microwave, she says, "Iss fweddy!"

When she says she wants a snack, she says the "s" portion of the word "snack" through her nose as if she's blowing it, followed by the word "nack". Try saying it that way. It's funny. Or the way she says, "That's fwonny!"

Thomas the Train is "Choo Choo"

"Meow" is "eee ow". "Icky" is "gicky". "Nikki" (one of our daycare workers) is "Kiki". "Lauren" is "LorLor".

Hungry is no longer "Huh ree". It has upgraded to "Hunger"

"What are you doing" is "Are doing?"

When she sees letters, she calls them "A's"

"I don't want it" is "I oh waa ihh!"

"I don't want to go to bed" is "I no waa go bed"

"There you go" is "Gay ko".

I could go on forever and fill this blog up with the different ways she puts her words and sentences together as a means to document her progress, but it could take me all day. So, I will wrap it up with a little story to explain how far along our little girl's language has come...

A couple weeks ago, Farrah was at Grandma's and Grandpa's. When we arrived to pick her up, she was cuddled up with Grandma with a bloody lip after she took a spill. No big deal. Accidents happen, and especially with a 2 year old. We were told that she had slipped off one of the foot rests and hit her lip on the side of an old table. "Owie!" Our poor Farrah looked awful. Her lip was so swollen and I wasn't sure if she needed a stitch or not. She looked like Keiffer Sutherland in the movie "Freeway" after he got shot in the face by Reese Witherspoon. Well, after about half an hour of us pouring our love over her and she started to calm herself from the pain and she had received a little bit of Motrin for the swelling, she said something to me that was kinda funny. She said, "Goggy hit," as she pointed to her lip. Then I looked closer at her face. There were 4 long scratch marks running down her face down to her lip. She just tattled on Grandma and Grandpa's dog. "Goggy hit" meant "Doggy hit". Of course, we couldn't get too mad, because again, it was an accident. However, Grandma and Grandpa will have to start paying a little bit better attention to the granddaughter and the fact that she TALKS. She will talk. Farrah is a tattle tale and will tell on everyone. That's what she does.

Her vocabulary and sentence formation is getting better and better. It has seemed like it has happened over night, too. She will tell you anything and everything that she can. Even if she has to rat out the dog and throw Grandma and Grandpa under the bus.

Funny Story

Today was a busy day at the gym. I had to leave to run some errands that included making deposits all over town and paying bills. One of my last stops was at my local bank. I drove up to the "drive-thru teller" window and handed over Mike's check to be deposited. I was tired and very irritable. After a good 5 minutes had gone by after the teller had taken the check, I waved at her to get her attention. What the hell was taking so freakin' long??? She informed me that they needed to verify funds. What? This is a bank we've banked with for years and we've been receiving checks from the gym for over a year. I was being treated like I was new. This irritated me even more. I looked inside and saw at least 6-7 people in line that stood there and stared at me while I waited for the gal to come back and give me my deposit slip and send me on my way. They were all watching me and it was awkward.

Then it happened...

I saw it coming.

It was the biggest one I've ever seen.

It was huge and heading straight for me.

"Please god, don't come this way, please, please please."

And it did.
(All of the above, "that's what she said")

Continuing...


It was a giant bastard of a bumble bee.

It flew right into my face. So, of course, what was the reasonable thing to do? Wave my hands around like a crazy person, scream, and swear a lot. Remember, those people were watching me. Also, the microphone was turned on:

"F**K!!!!"
"F**K OFF BEE!!!"
"OH MY GOD!!!"
"GET THE F**CK OUT!!!"
" F********CK!!!!!!"
"AAAAGGHHHH!!!"

The bee taunted me like a son of a bitch. It flew into my face, then out of my window, and decided just to linger right between me and the teller. Of course, when I want my window to go up in a hurry, it didn't. It's electric. It takes its sweet ass time. Then I had to roll it back down so that I could finally get the deposit slip. There it was, floating between me and the teller. Still swearing and freaking out and waving my hands around, I managed to get my hands near the drawer and grab the slip. My eyes slowly came up and I saw people looking at me with great concern. My window went up and I took off.

I had to turn on the A/C because I was sweating so badly from my horrific experience.

F**k bees.

Remembering the 80s

I have been noticing a change in our cities, towns, communities, neighborhoods. Litter. And a lot of it. Remember, "Give a hoot, don't pollute"? Yeah, it's time for another one of those public service announcements. There is trash EVERYWHERE!!! It's so gross. I remember growing up in the 80s and seeing trash on the sides of the roads everywhere you went. Then they started the "don't pollute" message followed with "Litter and it will hurt" campaign. At that time, it seemed like overnight, the grass was grass again on the sides of the roads rather than plastic cups, McDonalds bags, diapers, beer cans and bottles, etc. Take a look out there and consider rounding up a group of people to clean it up. It's gross and embarrassing. Our area has always been nice and now it looks like we're in a 3rd world country. The area behind our business that meets with the freeway, seems to now be owned by Waste Management.

I'm hoping to get a group together myself, and clean up our town. You should consider doing the same.

Talking Toys

Some of Farrah's toys talk. Sometimes they talk when you push a button...sometimes they just talk on their own. It's the ones that talk on their own that I am not a fan of. Honestly, I'm not a fan of any toys that make unnecessary noise as there is plenty of noise being made by my daughter dragging her toys across the hardwood floor, throwing them on the hardwood floor, and her insessive demanding of whatever it is that she feels she needs in that exact moment. But the toys that want to communicate when no one is playing with them, bother me just a tad. Or the toys that sound like the evil dead are talking through them; those ones get the batteries removed from their souls.

Farrah's first, and favorite I might add, toy, is her "baby". It is a puffy little doll with a cute plastic face. We purchased the doll for Farrah over a year ago. At the time, we had no idea that the baby came with a little voice box. When we did, we were quite disturbed by what it said. It wasn't that it was a night time prayer, but the voice that was used to record the prayer. You would expect the voice to be that of a child as it is a child's toy. No. It sounded like a woman pretending to be a child. At the end, the woman-child says, "Amen" in a seductive, almost evil and taunting way. It was horrific! We immediately removed it from the doll, but saved the voice box to frighten our friends and family whenever they came over. We'd make them listen to it and everyone agreed that it was a little scary.

Next, Farrah was given a puzzle from Nanna and Poppy (Lund). It is an animal puzzle that makes the animal's noise when the correct puzzle piece is put in its place. Well, it's light activated. So, anytime a light is turned off when we're heading to bed, a cat would meow, or a horse would neh, a cow would moo, whatever animal decided to speak up. It's always unexpected and therefore always scares the shit out of us.

There is a pig that you squeeze it's "hand" and it recites the Little Piggies. It's sweet and cuddly. Tonight, Farrah went to hug the pink pig when it was sad about not getting any roast beef. When she did that, she squeezed the voice box. The voice box has a woman telling the story and a child's laughter at the end. At that moment, Farrah's hug squeezed the box making the women's voice get deep and slow and the child's laughter deep and slow and therefore, evil. It was gawd awful. It even made me shout at it. I now hate that toy.

Of course, I saved the best for last. Farrah picked out a cute little African American baby for her birthday that giggles, coos, babbles, and moves its head and arms. She loves it. It, too, is light and motion activated. If all the lights are out and Mike and I are cuddling on the couch watching a movie, the change in the lighting can set that doll off. The doll starts to move and laugh and it freaks me the eff out. The worst part??? Oh, that's when Farrah has taken that creepy doll to bed with her. One night I was unable to prevent her from bringing badness into bed with her because I was out with Mike and the babysitter sent her to bed with it. When we got home around 1 in the morning, I of course decided to check on my daughter before going to bed. She was passed out, but there was a weird noise coming from her bed. The doll's voice had been turned off, but not the ability to move. The power hadn't been completely turned off. So, there was my little girl sleeping with a doll that was moving its arms and head around. I pretty much wanted to open her window and throw it out in the woods. Fuggin' scary! Why does she love the toys that scare the bajeezus out of me???

So, from now on, all of Farrah's toys will be voice box and movement free so that I can sleep at night.

This is real

No, I haven't forgotten to update somethings that have gone on lately (ie. Farrah's birthday, Christmas, etc), I'm still working on it. But, I felt I needed to get this one out before I spaced it. It's that important.

The following is a conversation that took place between me and a potential new member:

Tina: Hi, I noticed that you have a whole bunch of signs around town that says your memberships are $19 a month. Can you tell me more?

Me: Sure. Are you familiar with our gyms?

Tina: Yes. I have to work out because I have depression and I take medication.

Me: Okay. Ya know, tanning is a great thing to treat depression. Maybe I can set you up with some tanning and after you go tanning you can get on the treadmill for 10 minutes to get your blood flowing and your endorphins kicking in. That's always good for depression.

Tina: I can't walk on a treadmill or ride the bike because I've had several DUIs.

Me: Oh. Well you don't have to do the bikes or treadmill if you don't want to. Would you be interested in tanning?

Tina: Yes. But I already have tanning.

Me: Somewhere else?

Tina: No at your gym.

Me: Oh. Okay, well if you're already set up with tanning, maybe another thing that might interest you would be some of our aerobics classes.

Tina: Oh! I can't do any aerobics because I'm schizophrenic. I have schizophrenia. He he. I couldn't do that, because it would be too much for me.

Me: Alrighty. Well, our plan is $19 a month for the first three months paid up front and then you don't have to worry about payments again for the next 3 months which will then be at $34 a month. At that time, you can simply get on any machine that suits you and that you'll be comfortable with.

Tina: $19 a month? I'm sorry, that's just too much of a financial committment for me right now. Thanks.

Me: Okay, then. Buh bye.


Yes, very detailed. But Holy Christ, what a weirdo!!! That was by far the best phone call to date. I wish it was recorded. However, I supposed me writing it down line for line, is good enough.

I love the crazies.