Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Dear Kathy:

It has come to my attention that you made the conscious decision to watch a scary movie. Although it was against your better judgment, you thought that watching this scary movie in the daylight would make it okay. It did not. Don't you know better yet? Isn't there a scene from the Exorcist III where an old lady crawls on the ceiling like a spider that still bothers you to this day after watching it over a decade ago? You still keep your hand from hanging off the side of your bed for fear that someone or something will grab it and pull you under. Every night you have to make sure the closet door is closed so that nothing evil will come out. What were you thinking?!! You have the imagination of a ten year old. With that, you're doomed to have several nights of sleeplessness. Christ, you get scared from even the parody, Scary Movie. What's wrong with you? When you do get scared at night, you wake your poor husband up and make him face you so you feel a sense of being watched over. Not only that, there are times that you've had pets sleeping with you and in your crazy imagination you conger up the idea that if something entered your room to kill and devour you, you could throw the cat or dog at it as a quick meal while you got away. How selfish. Do your animals know that is the purpose they serve? All along they thought you loved them and wanted their company. Instead you use them as a get away tactic.

You're a total weirdo, Kathy. You watched The Ring and seriously counted down the days before the little girl would crawl out of the TV and get you. You watched White Noise and now you have to quickly shut off the TV if loud snow appears on the screen so you don't have to hear the dead person's voice coming through. Now you've seen The Exorcist of Emily Rose which wasn't too awful, and you are afraid to wake up in the middle of the night to take your ritual pee. Why? Because in the movie, 3:00 AM is the hour that the demons love to taunt us. What if you wake up to go to the bathroom and make the mistake of looking at the clock? And of course, this morning your husband says in his sleep, "What was that?" and what time was it? Well, 3:00 AM, obviously. Had you not seen that movie, would that have bothered you? Of course, not.

So I ask you now, please stop this stupidity. For the sake of a peaceful nights sleep, your husband not being bothered, and the good hearts of your pets, no more scary movies. You are only allowed to watch comedies and cartoons. That's it! Don't even think about trying the skill of changing channels and going between a comedy and The Ring 2 as a way of not really watching the scary movie. You have enough fear in your brain from stupid horror flicks that should last you the rest of your life. So, if your husband comes home with another for you to watch, just remember he always falls asleep before you do and leaves you alone staring at the ceiling and looking around the dark room waiting for something bad to happen. He can't help you when he's out cold and he doesn't always wake up right away when you're asking him to roll over and face you.

It's this simple: You are no longer allowed to watch scary movies. I would truly appreciate your cooperation with this matter.


Your Common Sense

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