Wednesday, April 25, 2007

The Well is Running Dry

Whoa is me. My body has decided it is time to stop breastfeeding. I had intended to continue breastfeeding until the end of May. Mike and I are going to Vegas at the end of June and I wanted to make sure I wasn't going to spend my vacation pumping. Due to the fact that I am back at work full time, it has caused the milk production to slow down significantly. On top of that, I had to get on stronger BC pills and that slowed it down even more. Farrah has pushed me away a couple times, too because she wants instant gratification. It hit me last night how sad this is for me. I was talking to Mike at 3 in the morning and just started to cry about it. It is the last thing that is just between me and Farrah that I can't get back. Once it's done, it's done. I'd say I have about a week left of this bonding experience with my daughter. Mike reminded me that there will be several things that I will have with Farrah that no one else will have. It's hard to picture it right now because she doesn't talk, but it helped a little. There is a sadness that goes along with losing the ability to be the one and only person who can provide that one thing the child needs. Anyone can get a bottle. I don't want this to sound selfish, but I can't help it. Part of me wants my body back and to have it all to myself, but the other part of me still wants to hold on to that last piece of my experience. When you are pregnant, that child is relying souly on you. It's the same thing with breastfeeding. Don't get me wrong, I have been giving Farrah formula for a while now, but that was because of going back to work. Keep in mind, it was extremely hard for me to do that, too. I felt like I was depriving her of something. Now that it will be completely taken away from her, it makes my heart hurt. Ugh. (Lump in throat)

On another note, Farrah shared a small milestone today. I had been helping her with her teething ring by showing her how to wrap her fingers around it so she could grip it. I would then raise it up to her mouth so she would understand the connection. Well, this morning when I was getting ready to leave for work I noticed she had both hands wraped around the ring and was sucking on her toy. She did this all by herself. She figured it out without anyone's help. I was very excited about it.

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