Tuesday, July 03, 2012


For the past few days, my garage has been a stinky stinky smelly gross...place.  Couldn't think of another word there.  Well, I've been wondering what the hell I dumped in the garbage to make the whole place smell like death.  Did I roast a chicken like a month ago and suddenly decide to throw it away now?  Did I decide to thaw out some trout that we caught while camping and just keep it in the garbage can for the past 2 weeks?  Did I change a shitty diaper and wrap it up in another shitty diaper and not remember doing it?  Why, god, why did it smell so bad?  I sprayed all of my recycle cans as well as the garbage can down with a ridiculous amount of Lysol hoping that it would ward off the stench until garbage day.  Yesterday, Farrah and I were walking through the garage to head for the mailbox and low and behold...the smelly problem made itself known.  Somehow, a gardner snake had slithered its way into our garage and miraculously got its whole midsection smushed, like something drove over it.  I don't know how it would have been driven over and then drug its sorry snake ass back into my garage to live out its final hours, but something along those lines happened.  After the discovery had been made, Farrah and I had the heeby-geebies all the way to the mailbox and back.

How the hell was I going to get the evil dead out of my garage?  Every time I visualized any means to do it...I'd wiggle around as if a mouse just dove down my shirt.  But it would have to happen eventually.  Now that I knew what the source of the stink was coming from, my gag reflexes were working overtime whenever I walked out there.

So, once I picked Farrah up from Summer Camp/Summer School, I made the critical decision.  It had to be done.  Today.  But like hell if I was doing it alone!  Farrah was going to have to be my side kick in this matter whether she wanted to be or not!  I grabbed a shovel and moved certain obstacles out of the way to do what I had to do.  I knew if I watched what I was doing, I'd probably freak out.  So, I decided to use the shovel and angled it for the thrust to scoop up what I could with my head turned the other direction (I could tell part of the snake was "stuck" to the ground).  Once I felt the weight shift onto the shovel's head and I looked, I screamed like the goddamn thing woke up and I started to run from the dead snake.  This wasn't just a dead snake.  It had some sort of bulge that I had assumed was it's guts being pushed all together because on the other end, it's eyeballs were pushed out of its face.  I know.  Gross.  But it wasn't its guts.  No.  The bulge was a silly massive amount of maggots withering around having the time of their life while I watched in horror.  How on Earth was I going to scoop this thing up which still had a foot of tail that needed to be taken along with the rest of its dead body?  I gave the snow shovel a small glance, then said screw it.  I couldn't be a total pussy about this, so no to the snow shovel.  I gave my shovel one more push and made sure I had the whole damn snake while I ran with it.  Then came Farrah's role in the whole ordeal:
Well, that was out of the question because, of course, they would have heard her giving me directions on where to discard the carcass.  So I opted for some rocks near a bush in the open where I prayed some other nasty ass animal might find it appealing and eat it.  Or even better, have the upcoming 90+ degree weather completely dry that thing out.

In the meantime, the area in which the snake had met its unfortunate death and stuck a little to the garage floor, I had sprayed down with kitchen bleach cleaner.  That wasn't enough for me because there were about 10 maggots still crawling around in the poison.  So I went for the gusto and poured about 1-2 cups of bleach on the whole area.  The damn things were swimming in it.  Farrah was freaking out because "it wasn't working!!!"  I let her know to just give it time.  They would not survive.  Payback for the poor snake.  The poor, disgusting, smelly, rotten, decaying, maggot infested snake that chose my freakin' garage.

I hope it goes to hell.

Look at the eyes!  Sick.

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