Tuesday, October 26, 2010

In Need of a Toilet

It's weird how your body reacts to things. I was sick last week and have been on antibiotics for who knows what. I guess I had a sinus infection, but it felt like strep throat combined with the worst headache of my life. I felt like I had two giant thumbs behind my eyeballs pushing them out of my face. That pain induced some vomiting, which in turn was the reason I was given the antibiotics. But I digress (like usual).

Well today, I've been feeling a little bit better. I was until I started the drive back to pick up Farrah from school. I had a lil' something brewing "downstairs" and the bubbling and gurgling in my guts began to make themselves known through standard cramping. I ignored the inevitable when I picked up Farrah and we discussed having lunch together. She suggested "Rice. Where the elephants are!" That meant driving South to Mukilteo for some Thai.

I had to plan...

Clearly, I had some evacuating to do. Where would I do it? At the little Thai restaurant? With Farrah in the stall with me eager to discuss my poop at our table for any and all ears to hear? No, that wouldn't do. My parents' house? Yes. I called my mom and explained my situation. I told her I was in dire need of a toilet to destroy. She wasn't too thrilled of the idea and actually tried to pawn me off to my grandma instead. What?!! This was an emergency! And how in the hell was I supposed to explain a 5 minute visit to my grandma that consisted of her and my dad watching my daughter run around while I annihilated her back bathroom? Nope. That was not how this was going to happen. I finally convinced my mother to allow me access to one of her toilets. She told me over the phone that I would have to use the "gross" bathroom, though. Oh well. I didn't care as long as my bowels had a destination that was not public, I was happy.

Here's where the body gets weird. I was now a good 5 minutes from my mom's house. But as soon as I hung up that phone, my body was more excited than I wanted or needed it to be. It needed to calm the eff down if I was going to make it! Ever hear of peaking? Or turtling? That was me. My back was jammed into my seat as far as it would go due to my massive discomfort. As soon as I pulled into the carport, I was walking funny. Oh yes, and then I had to take Farrah out of the car which involved her 30 pounds bumping up against my angry guts. Not cool. I wobbled to the house and my mom changed her mind as soon as she saw me and told me I could use her bathroom instead. The "clean" bathroom. I think it was more for her benefit than mine because it's clear in the back, as far away from where she was going to be as possible.

10 minutes later, all was right with the world again. I got to keep a little dignity with my daughter by not having to shit my brains out with her standing next to me in a public restroom and later, enjoy a decent lunch. Did I say dignity? Oh yeah, that was gone when Farrah farted very loud on a plastic booster seat and we laughed hysterically. Shortly after that, one of Farrah's famous man-belches exploded out of her mouth. Lunch was over at that point and I can say my dining experience was doomed from the word go.

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