That Time I Was In a Slow Speed Chase

A couple months ago, I was thoroughly enjoying a small guilty pleasure of french fries while on my way back from dropping off Farrah at Stevens Pass for the parental exchange and lost track of how fast I was going.  First, understand that I almost never eat fast food.  Second, if I do, it's almost never McDonalds.  Third, I am very aware how bad that food is for me which is why I was eating it very quickly so no one would discover my dirty little secret that I was loving every greasy McDonalds french fry that went in my mouth.  And in my desperation to complete my high caloric treat before anyone was the wiser, the inevitable weight I was gaining began pushing down onto my right foot.
Before I knew it, the blue and red flashing lights came up behind me.  Damn it! 

The winter here has been bananas and very late.  Because of all the snow fall, the snowbanks were incredibly high and went on for miles.  The very inconvenient thing about that is it makes it virtually impossible to find a place to pull over.  And I couldn't.  So, to avoid getting into more trouble...I simply stopped.  On highway 2.  As the cop walked up, I stuck my head out the window and told him there was nowhere to pull over.  He said it was fine and asked for my driver's license.  After looking at it and seeing I was from East Wenatchee, he told me to go ahead and drive over to Smallwoods (a large fruit stand and small store) where we would discuss my speeding.

I thought it was odd that he would suggest that I turn around, pulling a u-turn across highway 2, cutting over a double yellow line...but who was I to argue his decision?  I started heading back to Smallwoods and watched in my rearview mirror as he had to pull in and out several times to conduct the same u-turn as his SUV was too big.  Anyway, off I went to get my ticket.  Shortly after the cop came up behind me, I noticed his flashing lights were going.

"What the hell?  Yeah, we've already established I'm getting pulled over."

Then he was tailgating me and getting awfully close.

"Jesus!  Knock it off asshole!!  I get it!"

Then he continued to tailgate me, I saw another set of blue and red lights, and finally I heard the  loud sirens.

"Oh my freakin' GAWD!!! Why the hell are you being so dramatic??!"

I found a spot to pull over and thought to myself, "Why didn't he suggest I pull over here?  This is much closer than Smallwoods."

As soon as the cop pulled up behind me, I rolled down my window, "Was that really necessary?  I'm right here!"

Then the policeman said, "I told you to go to Smallwoods!"
"I was - it's right up there." I responded.
"Noooooo," he said, "it's BACK THERE."

In my honest disbelief with my very real handicap when it comes to having any sense of direction, I did the only thing I could think of in my defense.  I laughed.  Hard.

I asked him, "So, because it appeared I was hightailing it out of town, is that why that guy is searching my dirty car with his flashlight?"

Police officer, "Yup."

Cool.  There was a high beam going through every corner of my vehicle.

The cop asked for my insurance and as I was pulling it out of my wallet, I remembered the insurance card that was NOT expired was currently sitting on my desk.  Shit.  I handed it over anyway.  This whole time, I had already accepted my fate and the steep ticket I was inevitably going to receive.
He asked for my registration and as soon as I opened my glove compartment...the flashlight lit up my box of 9mm bullets. 
Oh shit.  Oh shit.  Oh shit.

I watched as the two men talked to each other over the top of my car.

"Ma'am...to you have a gun on you?"

"No, I don't.  Let me guess...are you asking because of all those bulletsssssss the other cop saw?"

"Yes.  Ma'am, do you have a gun?"

This was getting embarrassing.  "Yes, but it's at home...in pieces."
"Why is it in pieces?" he asked.
"Because I took it apart and never learned how to put it back together again so I left it in pieces in the gun case, assuming that it was safer there, than on me."
He didn't ask any more questions about the gun because he probably agreed whole heartedly with me on that.
However, it did prompt his next question...
"Ma'am, have you been drinking tonight?"
I immediately responded by holding up my very melted iced latte, "Not yet!  Mostly likely when I get home, though."

At this point, he seemed at a loss.

But we weren't finished yet.

"Ma'am, I'm giving you back your registration but it isn't signed.  You can get a really big fine if these aren't signed."

My awesome response, "Oh, well, the car is owned by my parents, but I just paid it off and it was supposed to be signed over to me, but I never received the title so honestly, I don't know who owns the car at this point, nor who'd sign that registration!"

He sighed...then he said, "Ma'am your insurance card is expired..."
"Yep!  The one that SHOULD be in my wallet is on my desk.  I'll be sure to put that in there when I get home."

I was suffering from honest-diarrhea-mouth.  I did have a little bit of common sense to conveniently forget to tell him that the driver's license he was handing back to me had my old address on it because I kept forgetting to update it.

He said, "I assumed since you were from East Wenatchee, you would know where Smallwoods was."

"Well, that was your first mistake.  Anyone that knows me, knows I can get lost in my own back yard.  I probably should've warned you."

He just stood there looking a tad dumbfounded as he told me, "Look, I'm not going to give you a ticket tonight.  Just slow down and please...just get home safe."

I laughed and thanked him and wished him well.

The truth is, I know I was let off the hook because I can only imagine how pathetic and a mess I must have appeared.  He probably figured the chaotic life I must live has to be punishment enough.  I laughed all the way home.  It was probably my best pull-over experiences in my life.  I think my naive honesty is what saved my ass.