Dear Farrah,
This post is soooo late, but it's because I forgot to press "Publish" MONTHS AGO. Here's the post...
My sweet and special girl...you're 16! Sixteeeeen. I'm almost at a loss for words about what that means, but you know me...I'll find those words and write them down here.
I started writing this on your birthday, but sometimes it takes me a while to get it all out. There's so much to say and because of that, it's hard to know where to begin. Well, to start, I know you noticed that I didn't write your "Dear Farrah: Part 15" last year, but that's because of so many reasons and so I will be including that for you here.
Your 15th year was full of many ups and downs, but mostly a lot of downs for you. It's why I decided to allow time for healing and more good to show up in your life so you didn't see a melancholy post. However, I think it's important to document a little about what got you there in the first place so you remember how you got out.
First, you were tasked with the heavy burden of knowing that one of your closest friends was struggling with thoughts of suicide and the responsibility fell onto your 14 year old shoulders to share this with your friend's mother. This was difficult for you because you didn't want to betray your friend's trust, but also you were scared to death to lose him if you didn't say anything. You ended up unloading an impossible message to a parent that was not aware their child had been struggling to get to that point. You were so brave and only asked for a little bit of my help while you spoke with your friend's mother about what you knew and what your fears were. As a result, you helped bring to light a very dark situation. However, by taking on such a big and heavy task, the anxiety and stress of it all began to effect your stomach; bringing on constant severe pain which made me concerned that you could be prone to ulcers. (They run in the family at a young age).
Your doctor at the time prescribed anti-depressants to control the anxiety, but I honestly had hoped you could have something that was temporary like child-Xanax. Do they even make that? I wish they did because what happened with the anti-depressants sent you down a dangerous rabbit hole of your own personal hell. The doctor kept insisting that you needed an increase dose. Then she said you needed to change the type of anti-depressants, and when you continually got worse, we were told you needed to increase again. When you finally felt like you were losing your mind, damaging relationships, and even worried about your own thoughts of hurting yourself I pulled you off, fired your doctor and 15-minute-session "therapist", and demanded better options.
When we met with a psychologist and several tests were conducted, it was determined that you suffer from ADHD among a few other things. We learned that girls don't often get diagnosed correctly because it shows up as an "emotional" problem and it gets chalked up to them just being hormonal or depressed. (Do better, doctors!) I didn't get diagnosed with ADHD until my late 30s. I don't know why I was surprised that you had it, too. But before you were diagnosed and before we fired your doctor...you had actually been doing a lot of research on your own and even told me several times you thought you had ADHD. I'm ashamed to say I didn't believe you and thought you were grasping at straws for answers, when in fact, it appears to have been the issue all along.
You immediately started to feel a little better once we had some answers, but it was a horrible journey getting there. See, this was also during a time that you had your first boyfriend. Your first love. Your first kiss. And sadly, your first heartbreak. There was a lot that I witnessed that you went through that made me have to step up my role as your mother and also be your friend. Because when you were struggling with all the medications your ex-doctor was prescribing and making you 10 times worse, it caused friends to pull away from you...when you really needed them the most. Going through a break up without your closest friend was an added heartbreak.
During this time, I kept you home for several mental health days. I didn't care how many you needed because I knew it was impossible to focus on anything but the pain you're experiencing with a break up and going through it without the support of your friend. But Farrah, you impressed me when you dealt with this. You were hurt, yes., but you took baby steps to feeling good again and you chose not to lash out, but rather be proactive in your own way. I wanted to burn down the world because of your pain, but you calmly took charge and told me it was okay.
And then there's the fun thing that guys do when they go through a break up. "She's crazy." Ah yes, the go-to comment that a lot of guys make to justify their own bad behaviors. And yet, you - the crazy one - reached out to him and gave him a long heartfelt apology about your behavior while you were struggling and explained what you'd been through. You knew there was a good chance he'd essentially tell you to eff off (which he did), but you also knew it was the right thing to do. You said your piece and he refused to take accountability for his part. And while this hurt your feelings, you didn't let it destroy you. You said what you needed to say and left it at that.
Even with all of this chaos happening in your world, you managed to end the school year with a high GPA. Girl, if I'd gone through half of what you went through, I would've just dropped out or opted to change schools. No joke. I couldn't have pulled off good grades with that much going on if I tried. Hell, I got "okay" grades with drama that barely scratched the surface of yours, when I was in school. And yet, you pulled it off when others would've thrown in the towel.
Some of the ugly that came from then were our fights...but there was beauty in there, too. We fought bad and hard, but we also learned to listen and calm down and find peace. This probably helped build a better foundation in how we communicate during tough times because of how difficult that time was. I feel like we're a little more forgiving now and realize it was hard for both of us and how we need to be a little gentle with ourselves and each other. We don't always get it right...but we do always get there. There were lots of nights that we stayed up together, lots of hugs, lots of tears, but there were also some laughs and a stronger bond between us.
The art you've made from your darkest days to the days you began to see light. Absolutely some of the most powerful things I've ever seen you create. I still want to frame several of them and hang them throughout our house. You made a piece that was of you, helping you. It punched me in the gut while hugging it at the same time. It was essentially you being there for yourself as your own best friend and it was beautiful. Taking a time that was so ugly and turning it into something beautiful is something only a true artist can do.
You have taken a serious interest in mental health and disorders since learning not only of your own struggles, but others you go to school with, too. There have been very open and honest conversations about mental health among family and friends and you are so brave because you know there is nothing to be ashamed of when people my age and older tend to think it is a nasty stigma. It isn't. And you happily share with others about what you've learned. Now, you've taken and aced your first Psych class and already signed up for Advanced Psych for your third trimester. Currently, this is a subject that you hold so close to your heart that you have been looking at which college to go to where you can get the best education studying it.
You've been paying close attention to things that are going on in the world that could affect you, politically. You post on your social media accounts the importance of women's rights, LGBTQ rights, and all the rights that people - all people, should have. You always post about mental health awareness to continue to voice why it's something no one should be ashamed of. You've even helped both James and I open up about our own experiences when our generation was taught that we should be embarrassed about struggles we've gone through.
You've told me about other teens that open up to you about their trauma, their struggles, and issues that they're going through which tells me more about you than it does them. You have a way about you that makes people feel comfortable and trusting. You don't have a judgmental bone in your body and it is clear that others see this or sense this, because you tell me that people you hardly know have opened up to you about some really serious stuff. The tough part though, is I know the people that are opening up to you are showing that they trust you and really want to be more than just surface friends, but really build a deep friendship with you...but your walls are up and you're not letting anyone in anytime soon. That's the shitty thing about betrayal. You can be making wonderful strides and progress with how you're feeling about yourself, but you learned the hard way that you can't control other people's behaviors and actions when trust has been broken by people you trusted the most. It's a garbage thing to have to experience. And it takes time to trust again...but it'll happen, honey. You'll know when you're ready to let good people back into your heart and not feel like you have to go down to Home Depot and stock up on drywall, nails and hammers to build more walls to protect yourself. When you're ready.
Your stomach. Well, we still haven't fully got an answer and yet, we're trying different things. For one, we've discovered that your stomach pains come on more frequently and stronger when you've had gluten. Serious? This is such a nightmare because you love bread, pasta, cake and everything gluten has to offer. Now, we're searching out grocery stores for gluten free everything. You've shown me how bloated your tiny stomach gets when you've accidentally ingested gluten (or if you cheated just a little). This alone is proof that you are extremely intolerant of it. We check with restaurants before we go out to make sure you have options, I continue to make dinners that you love, but have to make two different dinners to be sure you get to enjoy the same food as us. It's a pain in the ass, but it's not like this is a dietary choice of yours. Now, if you suddenly decided you were going to become vegetarian tomorrow, then you're on your own to cook because you'll put me in my grave early if I have to do two menus! The discovery of the gluten sensitivity is one thing, but it isn't all of it. When you're stressed, your stomach goes bananas and it's quite painful. We are stocked with Pepto and Tums for the moments that it comes out of nowhere. We've been given various medications for you to try, of which none work so far. We have a referral to get you seen at Children's Hospital because they just don't touch GI issues with anyone under 18 out here. Now, we're just waiting for that appointment.
But here's something that we discovered...flour in the states is different in other countries. We already read about that, but when we went to Costa Rica in November, you discovered this for yourself. You rarely had any stomach issues while we were on our vacation. There are two key reasons I believe that's the case. For one, yes, the flour is different. The amount of gluten in our flour is so much higher than other places in the world. Thanks, America. You ate things that had flour and you either experience very minor discomfort or none at all! But the other reason I feel you had no stomach issues was because we really vacationed while we were there. We didn't think about school, relationships, work, or anything at all. We either explored and went on excursions or truly relaxed by the pool and on the beach every single day. This was the most relaxed we'd all been in a very long time and I think your body and mind needed a break from everything. And we've all agreed it was the most wonderful and magical place we've ever been. Usually, when on vacations, by day 8, we're ready to go home and get back to our normal lives. This was different. All three of us were actually sad to leave and didn't want to go. The amount of peace we all experienced and simply eased through every day even though we were always doing something, says a lot about that country. We have been seriously looking at what it would cost to buy a place in Costa Rica so we can all go there at any time in our lives to just enjoy life and take a break from "realty". And the happy news is we could actually afford to purchase a place and stay there for long periods of time right now if we wanted. Just need to find the right place!
You have your first job! Not just any job but one you've wanted for at least 2 years. You work at D' Olivo at the Pybus Market selling products to customers. You have learned so much about the science behind olive oil and trained your pallet so well that it comes so naturally to you to help people find what they didn't even know they wanted. You're a natural! This has been so good for you because it has taken your expectations of what your social life should look like at school and moved it to your work instead. You're very good at what you do and the people you work with love you! Your manager even came up to me and gave me a big hug for simply "making" you.
You can sing. I always knew you could carry a note, but lately I've heard you sing along with songs that are complicated and nail them. What?? I know you're shy about it, but I can't go without saying that you have a great voice and I really love hearing you.
You consistently have straight As and this is mind-blowing. While you had amazing grades when you finished out the year last year, certain subjects that you usually had to work a little harder at have finally clicked for you. Your As are going to cost James a lot of money if you keep this up! But the best thing about your grades is you've decided you want to do well, all on your own. There has never been pressure from me to do more and be better. Quite the opposite. I'd rather you relax from all the pressure you put on yourself than to push you any harder than you already do. But here we are...you with your high GPA that puts you where you want to be to make you feel confident to apply to the colleges you want to go to. And with that being said, we've already started making the arrangements to look at getting you started with Running Start next school year.
You went to your first real school dance! Your friend, Keleb, asked you (as friends only) and you said yes. We got you a cute pin striped black dress and he was such a gentleman when he came to pick you up (his mom drove), thanking us for allowing you to go to the dance with him. You two had been friends for a while and he seemed to be the first person you connected with at the high school and were able to be your old self around. You'd come home with funny stories about this guy and I always wondered if maybe there was something else for you two eventually. I know you're not in that place yet because you're still healing, but I can honestly say the fact that you're taking your time to ensure you feel good enough to venture out and develop new friendships and possibly date again, shows a tremendous amount of maturity.
You've been driving!! You've been taking driver's ed for a while and been driving us around all over the place. You completely refuse to drive to school or from school because you don't want anyone to see you. But they'll see you when you finally get your license! Dear lord, knowing that you're about ready to experience a hefty taste of what freedom really feels like crushes me a little because once you have your license, I won't get to spend those 10-15 minute long private moments with you in the car as much.
Grandma and Poppy came to town for the weekend to celebrate your sweet 16. We started off at Bubbly, the champagne restaurant, and enjoyed a really nice lunch. Then mom, you, and I all tried on mom's pink knitted dress that she made for her engagement (or was it for her honeymoon?), and we ALL fit in it! It was super cute because we took pictures of all three of us in it. That night, we drove all the way to Chelan for a lovely dinner at Tsillan Winery. It was so cold out!! We had to go from our car to the restaurant, then the restaurant to our car as fast as we could without slipping and falling on our asses. I'd saved up money for this dinner and paid for all of us. It was super fancy and I had flowers delivered at the restaurant for you. It was funny because you'd hoped someone in the family was going to....and I made that happen. Your gift from James and I was to match what you saved of your own money that you intended to put down on a car, so that you were able to get a car a bit nicer than what you could normally afford. You've got skin in the game which will make it that much more special. We had two birthday cakes...or actually one birthday cake for me, grandma, and poppy to share, and you had a gluten free brownie and macaroon cookies. It was a really great night celebrating you.
You truly amaze me. Every day, you are becoming this incredible young woman that proves she can do anything and make anything happen. Even against the toughest scenarios, you are resilient and nothing can stop you. Being 16 is truly the beginning of a totally new part of your life, so be smart, make good choices, and remember even when you want to feel like you're growing up super fast...you can slow down and still be my little girl when you just want to be a kid.
I love you, Kitten.
