Dear Farrah: Part 12

Dear Farrah:

Today is later than normal, but you know why it has taken so long...but here I am like I am every year wishing you the happiest of birthdays.

Last week, you turned 12.  TWELVE!!!  Oh man, it really is hard to believe how fast you've grown.  Honestly, I don't know where to start!

But you have made it easy when you've said yourself, "2018 has been a really great year, mom."

So, let's being...

In the 5th grade, you came home and told me about a writing competition you wanted to attempt, knowing there was a chance you could win $100.  I decided to read more of the paperwork that was provided and found the words "Royalty" and "Apple Blossom" were in the sign up sheet and I let you know, if you won, I had a feeling there'd be more to it than writing an essay and simply winning $100 (which you were hellbent on winning).
Well, you decided to go for it, wrote your essay about telekinesis, and I ended up getting a call congratulating ME that YOU made it to the final 11 (out of 85 girls).  Then you needed to write another essay behind closed doors and without any parental supervision.  You were one of the last girls to come out and one of the only ones that wasn't smiling from ear to ear.  This made me nervous.  We got to the car and I asked how you thought you did and I was prepared for a lot of tears.
"I'm pretty sure I got it."
Huh?
You were so certain that you were going to be one of the Junior Royalty, that you had an aura of confidence I wish I had about things in my life.
But this is what I've taught you.  This is how I've raised you.  If you believe it to be so and you can envision the reality of what is to come...it is yours.  And so, a week later, I dropped you off at school and you were bummed that you wore a sweatshirt, leggings, and a messy bun because if you ended up winning, you thought you should've dressed up a bit.  And you were right and wrong...you were right because you won (in front of the entire 5th grade - an assembly put together JUST for you!!) and you were wrong, because when you were crowned with your WSU sweatshirt, messy bun, and chunky earrings...you were you.  You remained your authentic self and stayed true to you, and for that I and other women solute you.  Later, it was obvious that you were singled out for choices you made to remain yourself and it hurt your feelings a little...but more, it made you laugh a lot.  Because if you are to appear to be a young lady for others to look up to...it must be for things that make you the unique individual that you are, and conforming just has never been your thing (mine neither, so if you picked that up from me, I don't know if I should apologize or say, "you're welcome.")

You spent 2018 being one of the Junior Royalty of the Wenatchee Apple Blossom and you did so well.  And while you had your own ways of doing things, you made sure you had a good time every time.  Seeing you engage with others, laugh with the other girls, spend time and learn from the older royalty girls, and simply have fun at every event you attended (which consumed 90% of your free time in 2018)...I was beside myself with pride.  Not only did you win...you followed through and did so well, making friends along the way.

A very big decision was made over a year ago, but it became real only this last summer.  You and I were going to live with James.  It had been talked about for a long time, but the process of getting there took forever...until we found the perfect home for the three of us.  At times, our suggestions would upset you and I know you thought you weren't being heard because you were just a kid...but your happiness helped us make our decision.  James works in Bellevue and the company I work for is also in Bellevue.  The logical move was to be west of the mountains, finding a home that the three of us could be happy in.  But there was only a couple homes you would even remotely consider because the truth was, you had no desire to live anywhere besides East Wenatchee...even Wenatchee was a stretch.  While you loved the family you have on the west side, you made it clear that you loved your friends, your school, your teachers...and most importantly, your home town.  And James and I decided from there, we were going to try and find a home that would keep you in your same school district (he's never wanted to live in East Wenatchee because he is a Wenatchee guy, through and through), get us even 5 minutes closer to hwy 2 just to knock time off both our commutes, and a house that would accommodate a growing teenager who would most definitely have a social life and who'd want her own space.  We bought the PERFECT house!  And you love it and you have adapted so well.

Remember when you and I went to Disneyland?  Remember when we came back and you said, "I want our next trip to be Maui!"  I thought it was pretty ambitious of you to suggest such a place, but like I always do - I made a game out of the Law of Attraction and played with various affirmations.  And look what you got to do this October!  Usually, the vacations are just me and James, but this year was our very first family vacation!  I knew there would be a few struggles, simply because you are at that age where you forget that there are other people on the planet other than yourself (not to worry, you are not the only 11-12 year old who sees the world this way - we just decided to start teaching you that you need to look beyond yourself...but we learned with you, too).
I had so much fun with you! James had so much fun with you!  And I am 100% certain you had so much fun with us. :)  It was such a wonderful opportunity for you and James to get to know each other better and I would look out and see the two of you smiling and laughing in the ocean and talking - it warmed my heart that you were able to let your guard down even for a little bit, to allow yourself to simply enjoy the moment of being where we were and just be present...we were in Maui, for crying out loud!

When school started this school year, you had some rough patches and began for the first time ever, to say, "I don't think I like school."  This was disheartening.  I've never heard you say this...but you've never been in the advanced classes before, nor had teachers assumed you were cheating on a paper you wrote because they thought I wrote it (high five).  You've made new friends and realized recently that the home we just got is set up for you to have friends over.  One of your best friends who never sleeps over at friends' houses because it makes her uncomfortable and homesick, stayed the night with you on your birthday without any trouble!  You two discovered the room that James and I made for you to spend time in with your friends...and you loved it!  In fact, day by day, you've made it your little chill out room to draw or read.  So cool.

These last few weeks have been rough ones due to losing my cousin Jen.  You know how close our family is because as I've grown up with the Grants my whole life...when we get west, you're seeing the Grants all the time too!  You know the closeness because you see it and feel it.
When Jen was closing in on the end of her life, you saw how it affected everyone as I did...but you also saw how it affected me.  We talked and shared our concerns for the family and you'd ask a lot of questions.  Breast cancer is a rotten bitch.  But there is one night that stands out beyond so many others...
I had been told about the struggles that Jen was having, her father was having, her sister Breann was having, and all the many, many tears and breakdowns that were happening when I wasn't at the hospital.  Well, one night, I had been holding on to all that information all day all to myself and when you said good night to me, I said, "Ya know?  This whole thing sucks so bad.  Poor uncle Mike saying good bye to her, Breann falling apart when she's always so stoic, Jen having to say good bye to her kids, and seeing Dianne stay strong though it all even though you know she just wants to scream at the world for how cruel it is to take her daughter from her like this...it just sucks so freakin' bad."  I was just speaking.  I think I was sharing with you, but mostly, I was just getting the burden of the information and sadness out of my insides so I could try and breathe normal for just a damn second.  And then I saw the most beautiful thing...you.  You were ready for bed and had already said good night to me.  But when I started to cry when I couldn't keep all the information that was shared with me bottled up anymore...you quietly grabbed a blanket, sat on the floor across from me, and settled in to listen for however long I needed you.
My daughter.  This was your old soul coming through in neon lights.  You were a week away from being 12, but your kindness and wisdom was that of someone so much older.  Kindness.  It was what you displayed in a way that NO ONE your age would normally do.  This floored me and made me so damn proud.

Farrah, so much has changed for you this 11th year of your life.  You've become an incredible young woman (oh gawd, am I actually on to that description of you now??!!).  One with dreams, mad art skills (serious...what am I going to do with you to help you explore your art skills any further?!), good friends, desire to do well in school, and little by little more open to taking on responsibilities around the house and building a relationship with James.

You don't kiss me anymore and dodge it when I get too close.  This sucks for me, but I get it.  It's a challenge to get my little daughter kisses anymore...but that challenge is accepted.  But just so you know, I've noticed that you've never stopped being close and affectionate with me and I love that about you.  You don't want to be too obvious that you love me...but ya do.  Caught ya!

I know I say "I love you so much" when I've asked you to do a chore or something you don't want to do and I say it in a voice that's whiney and silly...but, I want you to know it's so very true.  I love you so much.  I can't imagine my life without you because you are so important to me and bring me so much craziness and joy.  Keep doing what you're doing honey (unless it's irritating me and I've told you to stop) and dare to be different from the norm.  It's what makes the wonderful you...you.

You are my heart.

I love you, Kitten.

Love,

Mom (aka Ma)

P.S.

Yes, Twenty Øne Pilots is pretty rad.

Why It's Important To Always Have A Clean And Well Kept Home

My house was broken into today at some point.  But wait...let's bring it down a notch.  It wasn't exactly broken into, but rather strolled through by a complete stranger which apparently is just called "trespassing".  

I was leaving my house in a hurry this morning and taking my dog with me so she wouldn't be alone and I put her outside for one last go and I remember thinking what a pain in the ass my back door was.  I am good at locking up before I leave.  

Except for today.  

I remember looking at the front door and noting that the door was locked.  Awesome.  All set to leave.

I had taken care of all my things for the day:  picked up Farrah, spent time with James, stopped off at the store to grab an easy meal for me and Farrah for when we got home.  As soon as I pulled toward the house and the garage door opened, I noticed I didn't need to open the garage door as the front door to my house was wide open.

The front door to my house was WIDE OPEN.

I called James, "Ummmmm....someone's been in my house.  I distinctly remember NOT leaving the door wide open."

I called 911 and the dispatcher lady sounded more afraid than I did.  She'd asked if I wanted to stay on the phone until the police came and I said no.  I had to get off the phone and straighten out my head.

The first thing I said to my horrified child in the back seat was, "Well, it's a good thing we don't have anything that anyone wants."

"I do!!!" was her reply.  Apparently, I'm not good at soothing an eleven year old who has an awesome collection of everything in her room.  I let her know everything was going to be okay and once the police were there, we'd know if there was truly anything to be upset about.

Then we realized there was.

Our house.  I had left in such a hurry, I hadn't made my bed and I had a pile of towels that needed to be washed on the floor and clothes that needed to be hung up on the bed.  Bills that needed to be paid were on the kitchen table from going over them earlier.  I'd run the dishes, but there were more waiting for the next round in the sink for when I got home.

Then Farrah said, "Oh my god...are they going to go into my room?!!"

"Of course they are!"

"Noooooo!"

Our conversations suddenly went from, "What if the TVs or computers were taken?" to "What if they see my bra, the mess on the floor, or dirty laundry?!!!"  Our idea of what mattered took a serious shift.  Hence, the title.

But here's what happened.  Three cops showed up, guns drawn, pounded on the outside of the house yelling, "Douglas County PD! Make yourself known!"  They repeated this three times and entered the house (we stayed in the car).  When the flashlights were on in Farrah's room, she freaked.  She freaked when they were in the office.  She sighed in relief when they were in the "hobby room" as it is the meditation and art room...so it's pretty awesome.  When they came out to tell me the house was clear, they also told me what had happened.

In my rush to get Twig ready, I checked the front door lock, but neglected to check the back door she had just come through.  I'd left my back door completely accessible.  We went around and checked the house, all the while apologizing for the mess and getting comments like, "Serious?  This is not bad.  This looks like most homes."  Whew!  I needed to save a little dignity for the obvious negligence on the safety of my home.  

The person who came in, did so by jumping my fence after a long hike through fields, walked up to my door, opened it, and simply let themselves in.  From there...nothing.  As of this moment, I can't see that anything was taken, moved, or even added!  The cops said sometimes when it's someone on drugs, they go for food.  Nope.  But I might take a double inventory of my refrigerator and pantry tomorrow.

While Farrah and I made jokes to lighten things up because our adrenaline was on overload, it was completely unnerving seeing those footprints go from my fence and stomp all the way to my door to which that person felt it was okay to simply walk in.  It was a holiday for most people...we could've been home!  Then what?  

But the joking around made us both feel better like, "They probably saw the self-help books and figured...nah, it would be cruel to take something from someone with this many books."  Or, "They hung up a painting that isn't even a quarter of the way finished (Farrah's) and they don't even have their coo-coo clock wound up - what's wrong with these people?"  And of course, "Ummm, there really isn't anything here I want or need.  I'm just going to go.  But I'll leave a clue...the open front door."

Honestly, had they not left the door open, I would never have known there was someone in my house.

There are funnier things that went through my head and were discussed with friends, but some of which I'm just too tired to mention nor do I feel I want to share tonight.  The adrenaline has died down, the headache kicked in over an hour ago, and I'm exhausted.

Farrah is sleeping with me, the porch light is on, other lights are on, and the dog is in the room with us.  But my dog has barked three times since the incident and since the cops left and each time my adrenaline spikes and I'm not sure if I need to grab a weapon.

And even though I checked every door and window 10 times before Farrah fell asleep...I checked another 10 times, since.

Farrah said it correctly, "They saw my pictures.  I feel so...violated."  Even in a moment like that, I had to praise her on her vocabulary.  Very accurate.

So, how I see it - this person (who seems to have been a female), walked up to my porch after a hike, walked into my house without a care whether anyone was home or not since I had lights left on, then she walked across my living room to go out the front as a short cut to get through the community.  She literally took a stroll through my house.

Freakin' weird.

I apologize if this is a poorly written story, but I'm tired and still baffled by it all.  And now I have to sleep with the damn porch light on that beams into my room.  Awesome.  Thanks, asshole, for choosing my house.  As if I don't have other things to do....like laundry.