Confession

So, um, I'm not sure how to let the world know exactly what I did. I'm a little ashamed and can't even believe that I did this, let alone getting ready to tell my awful secret.

Well, here it is...

I took Farrah to McDonalds!!!!!

I'm so ashamed and fear that now that it has started, she will be one of those children that constantly begs to go there and has a fit if I say no. I've told so many people that I refused to ever allow this food into her body, and yet here I type while she sits next to me in her high chair dipping her greasy french fries in high fructose corn syrup filled ketchup and takes bites of her talon or beak filled chicken McNuggets. What have I done?!!! That's not all! I, too, purchased myself a filet o' fish. It is the only thing I can stomach at that place. At least I didn't order a Coke and go crazy and Super Size it.

Oh!!! Good news! She just said, "All Done!" She ate probably 10 fries and just sucked the ketchup off the nuggets. She must have started to realize it was possible that had she continued, she might bite into a toe or simply get gut rott.

I'm terrible.

Now, excuse me while I dig into my delicious filet o' fish.

August 24, 2008

It was my and Mike's 6th anniversary yesterday.

Lost & Trying to be Found

I'm not in a good place right now. There doesn't seem to be more times that are good over those that are not. That is an unfamiliar environment for me to be in. I am a believer in the law of attraction. There have been many times that I have felt that I have lost complete control over my life for quite sometime because I have forgotten how to make the law of attraction work for me IN MY favor. I have gotten to a place in my mind and in my heart where I focus too much on what I don't want to happen and I get it. It has happened time and time again, and now it feels like it is completely out of control. I know what I want. I know what I need. However, my brain keeps showing me scenerioes of what my life could look like in the next 6 months to a year, and I don't like it. It's not a place I want to be nor is it a place I have ever wanted to be. I need help. I need better guidance. I need to be able to remember how to get back on track so that the things I want will come. The things I desire will appear to me. I don't know how many more pills I can pop to make the sadness and anger go away. It's not me. I had been seeing a therapist for a little while, but he was unfamiliar with the way that I see the world and how much we actually are capable of controlling. Therefore, he was unable to truly help me. He would remind me to stop going to the negative in my mind, but how do you do that? If it pops in my head, is there really a switch to turn it around. If so, please enlighten me as to where mine is. I just don't know what to do.

There's hope, right?

2008 Olympic Gymnist

Today, Farrah did a tumbling act for me. Down the stairs. I had just finished changing her diaper and got up to follow her out and toss it in the garbage, when she decided to bolt. Before I could even yell out her name (mind you she was 4 feet away from me) she was already sitting on the top step and leaning forward. I screamed her name as she went tumbling down the stairs. The first part of the fall was as if she was doing a summer sault and the rest was like she was rolling down a hill on her side. When she stopped at the landing, I was immediately holding her tight. It seemed like no matter how fast I was running down those stairs, I just couldn't get to her fast enough. I checked everything and nothing was broken. She had started to cry, but it was mainly because of how frightened she was. I couldn't let her go, though. It scared the shit out of me and so far all day, it has played in my mind over and over again like a movie. It would've ended on a much better note had she landed with a perfect dismount. No, but glad she didn't land with any broken bones.

Farrah, you'll be carried everywhere you go from now on until you leave high school. I'm not taking anymore chances like that again.

Bloody Nose

Two nights ago was my and Mike's date night. While it started off on a bit of a sour note, we managed to pull through, hit the reset button, and make the best of it. It started off with dinner at a Mexican restaurant. I basically just picked at my single enchilada and barely ate 4 bites. I've been on my antidepressants which have helped make my appetite almost non-existent. They make me a little nauseous and sometimes I get a nice little anxiety attack here and there throughout the day, which, too, make me nauseous. No worries, got my doctor on top of things so it should get better. Anyway, I'm getting a little off subject. A little. The plan for after dinner was to go see Tropic Thunder; something funny to lift our spirits. We walked to the truck and started having second thoughts. Neither of us was in the best of moods, and sitting in a movie that we would enjoy more if we were in a better state of mind, didn't sound as much fun anymore. So now what? Bowling? No. Tattoos? Yes. What? Cool!

So, we drove to the tattoo parlor next to our friend's business. We went in and asked all the questions to ask to get Mike's Tattoo done. He wanted Farrah's initials on his traps and neck. No problem. I, however, was told that the tattoo I wanted, I was not going to be able to get. I want my daughter's full name in cursive, wrapped around my left arm in a type of vine style. Nope. My arms have shrunk and I want to get them back to their normal size. Therefore, I was unable to get it done because when my arms come back my tattoo will look all stretched out and weird. Sooooo, no tat for me.

But, like hell if I was walking out of there empty handed. That's like spending time at the mall and not coming home with a new outfit. I've always wanted my nose pierced, so I figured what better time than now. It took so much time for me to finally do it because the thought of purposefully choosing to have myself stabbed in the face made me a bit faint. Mike was all prepped for his tattoo and finally joined me in the piercing room. I made him stick around and hold my hand because I didn't want to be alone. He held on while the woman stuck a metal bar up my right nostril and BAM! It was done. I was so worked up about the pain, that I almost lost it, but I didn't feel any pain, just pressure. Mike headed back to his tattoo chair while I was cleaned up. When it was all over, I looked in the mirror and was a little disappointed, but only because of the massive dried up blood under the post. I have one month until I can put a cute little diamond in. Can't wait! In the meantime, I do love it. It's fun and it's me.

Mike's tattoo turned out great and he decided to get one more on the inside of his forearm. He was looking at a couple odd pictures to put on that I wasn't sure suited him, so I suggested a dumbbell. The tattoo artist put it together and it turned out awesome. He received many compliments on it. Farrah, however, said, "Owie" when she saw his arm. Owie, was right!

Now, my nose itches because it's healing. I forget I have this new thing up my nose so when I go to scratch it... OUCH!!! I've had to twist it a couple times, too, because it gets turned around inside. I am getting used to it, though. A little scared to show my parents and Grandma. I'll tell them it's fake.

Smokin' Hot

Mike and I live in a community where the houses are pretty close to one another. When you are that close, you tend to know more than you want to know about the neighbors. You know who's fighting (probably us), who's doin' it (probably us), and you always know who's smoking. To our left, we have the couple who sits out on their deck early in the morning smoking, and at times, inside their garage. This is their way to make sure they aren't actually smoking in their house. Unfortunately, they don't realize that the smoke always finds its way into their home. The garage is so bad, when they open it in the morning to let their Cocker out to do her business, the stench is sooooo strong, you think YOU just had a cigarette. To our right, we have the neighbor's daughter who likes to sit out on their patio to have a couple smokes while on the phone or just while in deep thought. The problem that Mike and I have run into lately with both of our neighbors is the fact that it is over 90 degrees. We do not have air conditioning, so we, like so many others, leave our windows open to allow some "fresh" air in.

This is what happens...

"Ugh, it's soooo hot."

"God, I know. It's pretty miserable" --Picture us sprawled out on the couch.

"What the eff?!!! GOD DAMMIT!!!"

We are now running to the windows and slamming them shut. By the time we have reached all our windows that might be in the direction of the stink, it's too late. Our whole main floor is completely engulfed in cigarette smoke. Now we're pissed. Although, this is just an enjoyable habit of theirs, we are having to suffer breathing that crap in. It's unbearable. It sucks, too, because we actually really like our neighbors. But we stop liking them when we feel that they're being incredibly inconsiderate. They don't know that they are either. That's what sucks, because it's not like you can start screaming out your window that it's "95 effin degrees outside and to put out their God Damn cigarettes!!!", or to simply stink up their own house with the smoke. No, can't do that.

I really wish I could, though.

Delete

Why is it that we can't just go to a hypnotherapist to delete unhappy memories in our brains? I struggle from one day to the next with stuff that pops in my head. It stings and it hurts. Can't I have the memory to learn from but remove the heartache? One day I'll be in a fantastic mood and am great to those around me. Another day, sadness rolls in and everyone would be wise to stay clear of me. I know time heals. I just wish it would go faster...

Sorry to be bummer-girl.

Work 'n Stuff

Mike and I had an employee who worked in the daycare that we had considered letting go for a while and finally had the opportunity due to plenty of reasons to, and getting a new employee to cover all of her shifts. The day to do it was this last Monday. Mike pulled her aside (but not in his office, because she would have cornered him and given him a long ugly sob story as to why she should stay) and told her that it was her last day. Very loudly she said, "WHY?!!" What started out to be a somewhat private conversation was now very public. Mike started to explain the reason(s) why and she got louder and angrier. Finally, he told her to get her stuff and get out of our gym. She was no longer allowed (nor anyone in her family) to even step foot in our gyms ever again. It was that awful. She then decided to go to our other gym in Marysville and make a bit of a scene with her mother, sobbing and freaking out, and saying that we didn't even give her a reason. Riiiiight. Apparently, her mother said, "We need to call the police! They have no right to fire you! They can't do that!" What? Fortunately for employers and unfortunately for employees, we can fire you because we hate your haircut or because you have bad breath. That's Washington. But we felt that stealing was a good enough reason. Calling the police...really? Maybe we should.

Well, she has a best friend who also works in the daycare. I was told to be ready for her to quit if we let the other go. I had a back up girl on the back burner just in case. Well, Tuesday the best friend didn't show up for work and within 15 minutes I had all of her shifts covered and everyone is happy with their new schedules. We all win! Tuesday was also payday. Since I didn't want to deal with either of those girls' bullshit, I decided to mail them their checks. I informed a couple of the other employees that kept in contact with them of this. No big deal, right? Apparently, it was. So, that best friend of the bad employee...she called me and left me two nasty messages on my phone. "You had better have my check waiting for me in 2 hours or I'm calling the POLICE! I know my rights! I'm calling the POLICE! You will get in so much trouble with L&I. I'll file a complaint with the POLICE! You're breaking so many laws with our breaks! It's illegal and I'm turning you in! If I don't get my check in two hours, you'll be hearing from my attorney!" Oh...my...God. What a freakin' weirdo. This of course, made me laugh as well as piss me off. Did I fire her? Oh, no I didn't. She quit. Without a word, I might add.

I picked up my phone and called her right back. "Wow, it's pretty brave of you isn't it to leave such ugly messages for me on my voicemail. Let's see how brave you really are. Why don't you come on over here and say all those lovely things to my face. In fact, I'll get Mike over here so you can be sure to tell us both to our faces how you're going to call the POLICE and turn us in to L&I." Her response was, "Oh, I will. I'll come over there and you better have my check ready for me." "Well I won't because I already put it in the mail, so why don't you sit by your mailbox and wait patiently for the mailman to deliver it to you." "Oh, I will. And you better believe that I will also file a complaint with the Better Business Bureau." "Please do. Have fun with that and feel free to call them a hundred times, because we don't give a shit. Have a nice day." It makes me laugh again as I type this. She has an attorney? With the pay we gave her? She must be REALLY good at saving her money. While this was a bit of a thorn in my side yesterday, it was also a WONDERFUL blessing in disguise. I don't like being questioned about decisions I make and I don't like people who just want to complain, rather than giving friendly suggestions. As soon as the whining and complaining begins, my fingers are stuck in my ears.

Finally, today I had to take care of three days worth of deposits for both gyms. That's 6 deposits. That's 6 full days of accounting summaries that I had to go through and make sure was perfect (which none were). That's 6 different times that different people put the deposits together in different ways. This experience made me want to cry. For real. I have never been this frustrated at a job. Our assistant manager took her maternity leave on Tuesday, and I have to do her job as well as mine. That is A LOT of work and A LOT of responsibility. It was a bit overwhelming. However, the good side to it was that we learned that we either need to retrain some people or send them on their merry way. We hope we can simply do some retraining because we really do like our employees. The ones we have now.

Whew! That's it for now. I'm so ready to take on tomorrow with a positive and optimistic outlook!

Oh, Gold's Gym...

Really...I'm Not Stupid

Our assistant manager took off for maternity leave yesterday. That means, not only do I have to do my daily tasks including managing people, I also have to take care of all the "behind the scenes" stuff. Two people's jobs. I started working on some of the stuff that is on Kelly's desk and I thought my brain was going to explode. I had to call her at least 7 times and send several text messages. I was working on our deposits from both gyms for the past couple days. It's not the first time I've done it, but it has been quite a few months. Of course, I ended up having to go through paperwork and money that an idiot put together. By idiot, I mean someone who can't count, who can't put together a contract, who can't calculate taxes correctly, and can't print out the appropriate paperwork. I decided to just throw in the towel for the day and pick up where I left off first thing tomorrow morning. If she hasn't already pushed out her baby, she'll probably get a couple phone calls again. I'll figure it all out soon so people don't think I'm retarded. Stuff that should take me 45 minutes to an hour to do took me 3 and I still didn't finish. I have a lot to learn about what others do around that place. When I do, I know I'll be a more effective manager! This is a great opportunity!

A Little Catch Up

So, I'm going to get you all up to date about our little Farrah. Yes, it has been a while, but holy crap, I've been insanely busy. Or maybe just insane. Farrah is able to communicate, and very well, I might add. She says, "No!" It is extremely helpful when I show her everything in the pantry and refrigerator and she says, "no" to everything until we find what she'll eat. Yes, I give her options. That is just while her dad is dieting. When we get back to normal meals, she won't have much choice. While it might be helpful when trying to find out what she wants to eat or what toy she wants me to grab for the car ride, it's not so much when I ask her to come to me. "NO!" It's not just that she says the word, but she puckers up her lips to touch her nose, and says, "Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno!" She holds it as if she's winding up an engine. She also says, "Mine!" She does this in the same manor as No. Holds the MMMMMMM and releases with a loud, "MINE!" Unfortunately, I have encouraged the poor behavior by laughing at my child when she does this. I can't help it. It's so hard to turn around and not laugh hard out loud. It's such an event for her when she uses these two words. She also is calling both her dad and I by our parental names. It's very cool. She kisses us holds that MMMM again and says, "Mmmmmuah!" She puckers up too! She hugs us at the knees and sometimes doesn't let go. She has a word for snacks: Go Gee. Where she came up with that, I have no idea. Another fun one is "Ditty" for blanket. She wants her bah bah, baby, and her ditty when it's time to go ni ni.

A cool little trick that my daughter apparently inherited by me was acting. Or should I say faking. She will fake cry like no one else I know (except me). She puts her head down, makes her face, starts to wail like we told her she gets to go to Catholic School, and sometimes throws herself to the floor dramatically. If it doesn't get the response she wants, she'll pick herself up and throw herself down in another part of the room. While she does all of this, she sneakily lifts her head and looks for some sort of concerned look or pity from anyone. Mind you, she has dry eyes. Again, I have reinforced this bad behavior by laughing hysterically when she does this. Can't help it! It's freakin' funny! I will begin to stop laughing soon.

We have had two big mile stones the last two days. For the past few weeks, Farrah has found ways to tell me she needs her diaper changed. I'll ask her, and she'll say yes. She tugs at the front of her pants, at the top of the diaper to try to pull it down. And she says, "M' Dee". (That means diaper) After paying close attention to her behaviors, (including standing in the tub saying, "Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh" and being taken out, having a diaper put on, and 30 seconds pooping in the diaper rather in the tub) I decided to run the bath yesterday and watch to see what she would do. She tugged at her diaper, which was empty, so I put a naked Farrah on the toilet. Nothing. But she did think it was funny. As soon as I put her in the tub, then she peed. Dammit! I grabbed her and tried to get her to finish on the toilet, but to no avail. She was already done. However, last night was Farrah's beginning steps to potty training!!! Yay!

Another mile stone was this evening. Farrah had her first PB&J. Her first sandwich! She loved it. She struggled with eating the peanut butter because she had no idea how much chewing she'd have to do. She got tired from it pretty easily.

My computer is about to die from this long blog so I'll end with one more Farrah Fact. She now does the baby wet noodle. When she doesn't want to go where you take her, she becomes limp. If I'm walking with her and she doesn't want to go there, she goes limp, falls to the ground while I'm still holding her hand, making me look like an abusive mother dragging their child to the grocery store. It's funny how something can go from 20 pounds to 100 in a matter of seconds.

It's fun communicating with our girl and understanding a language only a parent can understand. It's weird, but very cool.

I Hurt

I am sitting in bed typing when I should be lying down. Today was a physically tough day for me that decided to completely land in my back. I had to run several errands which involved me taking Farrah out of the car, carrying her, or walking with her while bent over, and then ultimately picking her back up and placing her in her car seat. I had to go around the Marysville gym picking up weights that people decided to leave on the ground. I had to look up and down for paperwork that was missing in several different file cabinets. At lunch time, I brought Farrah home and cooked her lunch, followed by cooking my own. Then I had to get her off to bed for her nap time. Then it was play time for me and Mike. Then I went back to the gym to work on some stuff followed by working out my legs (squats, lunges, and leg extensions). After that, we needed some things from the grocery store so Farrah and I were off yet again. By the time I reached the store, I felt like I could hardly stand. I was leaning all my weight against the cart and walking in very slow motion. Something that should've taken 30 minutes, took me over an hour. Got home, Mike unloaded the car, we both unpacked everything, he cooked his diet dinner, I fed Farrah and cooked my dinner. It wasn't until 8:40 that I was able to sit with my feet up and eat. Mind you, I had to change a diaper in there and help Mike chase down our child from inevitable danger. I have taken something for the pain which is doing nothing, and now I am wrapping it up to try to sleep. I get to do it all over again tomorrow. Wheeeee!!!

Smack Down

Farrah has been beat up today. Not once, not twice, but 5 times!!! When we arrived at the daycare, her nemesis, Brook, came running with her hands forward and shoved them right into Farrah's face. Fingers landed in eyes and up nostrils. Farrah just looked at me and shook it off like it was no big deal because she is always bewildered by the daycare whenever she arrives. Brook is Farrah's nemesis because she, too, is so damn cute. It's a bit of a "cuteness" power struggle between the two of them. Brook is about 2 months older than Farrah (if that). Later, Farrah was in the aerobics room with the other children playing with balls and learning to do summer saults. When I walked in, the daycare lady had her show me a summer sault. When she was done and lying on her back with a big smile all full of pride from her accomplishment, Brook walked over with a 2 pound weight and dropped it on Farrah's face. This time, the tears were flowing. She was okay and able to shake it off, but Brook got a good scolding for that one. I even tattled to her mother about how mean she is to my kid. Probably about 5 minutes later, another little girl, about 2 years old, decided she wanted to pick Farrah up. By doing so, she put her arm around her throat and proceeded to lift. I ran over immediately saying, "N'n'n'n'n'n'n'no!" We had to explain to the little girl that she wasn't allowed to hold the little ones. UGH!!! After that, about and hour had gone by when I could hear my little girl shrieking from the daycare in my office. I got up to check, and a different daycare gal was holding Farrah (who was sobbing hysterically), handed her over to me and explained that one of the kids in the daycare was kicking a ball around the room and it was kicked into Farrah's face which forced her to fall back and hit her head. Okay, so now I'm just dying over the abuse my daughter has suffered throughout the day, and the day isn't even over yet! It is very difficult to be kind and polite to another child that has hurt yours, but you have to. You have to be kind and gentle depending on the circumstance, especially when the kid is 1, 2, or 3 years old. All of which are learning right from wrong, but unfortunately learning it all over my kids face.

Finally, when I ran into the bank to do the day's deposit, I was pulling Farrah out of her car seat and her head hit the side of the door. This time it was my fault. I was the bully. I felt HORRIBLE! She whined a little and rubbed her head, but went on and simply accepted that this was just the kind of day she was having. Sometimes, that's just what you have to do.

Mommy!

T.V. = "Mommy!"

Blanket = "Mommy!"

Chair = "Mommy!"

Diaper = "Mommy!"

Food = "Mommy!"

Up = "Mommy!"

Bath = "Mommy!"

Daddy = "Mommy!"



You get the idea. I am everything! How cool is that?!! However, it's quite the responsibility, too. Also, on the 18th, Farrah turned 18 months old.

Peace and Quiet

I decided I needed some time to myself and my thoughts and chose to do so by taking a bath. I ran the tub water and poured some bubble bath in. Once in, I tried to just lay there and relax, but to no avail. Popping bubbles are so freakin' loud. It was as if I took a bath in some rice crispies. Can't relax to all that noise. No bubbles next time.

Mother's Day '08

So, I received the best gift from my little girl. She learned how to say "I love you" which actually sounds like "ditto." Weird. However, every time I told her I loved her, she would say, "didd o" so I know that is what she is saying to me. Also, she had completely ignored me pretty much all day on Saturday until right before she went to bed. Completely different on Sunday. She came up to me several times to hug me and also to kiss me. We played together and laughed together. We had breakfast with Mike's mom and Dan and later met up with my family at my parent's house for London Broil. Everything was nice. I put her down with a big hug and a kiss. It was a good day. I love you, Farrah.

Beaches

No, not the movie, however the weekend made me want to cry a bit. We got together with the family in Seabrook (near Ocean Shores) and 30 minutes into our drive there, Farrah decided to start teething. She started to teethe HARD CORE! She had the runny nose, rosy cheeks, horrible fever, severe drooling, and of course, horribly sore gums. It was a miserable trip there and throughout the night. She didn't want anything but to be held by me the entire time we were there (including when I wanted to be asleep). She cried so much and her skin felt like it was on fire. It was awful. The only time that seemed like Farrah pulled out of her funk was when we packed up and walked to the beach. We took so many pictures of Farrah walking in the sand, playing in the sand, and just hanging out with all of us. She collected a bunch of shells and small pieces of drift wood. She had the chance to actually use her shovel and bucket that I got her. She had a good time. Afterwards when we were back at the house, she was her fun little self for a while. It wasn't until it was time to go to bed that all hell broke loose...again. She would hold on so tight to me that she wouldn't let me pull away at all. The tough part is she likes to take up a lot of space when she sleeps with us and we all end up suffering in the end. Needless to say, Mike and I are horribly sleep deprived and our little girl is seeming a bit more like herself for the time being since getting home, but there are no guarantees of what the evening has in store for us. Well, I feel like I'm falling asleep while I type so that means I should stop.

Date Night

Mike and I decided we needed to have some "married" time today, and so we called Grandpa Dan. Grandpa Dan was more than happy to give us some time together so he could watch over Farrah. Once he got here, Mike and I piled into the truck and headed south. We were going to go to our usual spot, the Keg, but at the last minute we went for Anthony's. We chose to have a nice dinner-like lunch. It was great. We even saw a glimpse of a whale out in the water. So cool. Afterwards, we went to see a movie, Forgetting Sarah Marshall. It was so funny. We had a nice time and it's not over yet. Muah, ha ha ha.

Uncomfortable

I am watching Hell's Kitchen right now and it's hard to watch. It's hard for a couple of reasons (that's what she said). The stupid mistakes that the contestants make drive me insane and also the chef telling everyone that they are f**king stupid and telling the guests at the restaurant to get the f**k out makes me a bit uneasy. However, for one reason or another, I would like to eat there. I think it would be kind of fun to have him tell me to get the f**k out while I'm in the middle of eating my dinner. What if I stayed? What if I fully disagreed and enjoyed my dinner. Obviously, I wouldn't have to pay, which would be nice. It's funny to watch people's egos on this show. I'm listening to people praise themselves when they all suck. I have a little bit of empathy for the contestants because my chef instructor was a bit of a douche bag that loved to throw things at us, yell at us, and swear at us, all the while grading us. He could tell you one moment that you are a f**king idiot, but still give you an A. Who's the idiot? Anyway, I'm going to stop typing now because I need to watch the elimination.

My Eyes are Still Bleeding

There is a difference between plumbers crack and plumbers fully exposed ass, right? Because today, I was driving behind the Marysville Gold's Gym near the local Skate Park where I saw a man getting things out of the back of his truck. I saw more than I wanted. The man's full crack was on display for the whole world to see. How do the jeans make it so far down? He, very cool and collectedly pulled his jeans back up over his massive ass like it was no big deal. Like everybody lets their entire butt hang from their pants. Who doesn't?

New Sounds

Farrah has learned how to spit. She does it like this without any pauses in between: pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft...and so on. However, she does laugh in between because of her dad's and my reaction. The other thing she does now is laugh when she farts. What an awesome little girl. Of course, we laugh when she does this which makes her laugh more and realize that this is the beginning of many more funny moments to come. Farts are funny. And now she knows. And knowing is half the battle.