Dear Farrah: Sweet 16

 Dear Farrah,

This post is soooo late, but it's because I forgot to press "Publish" MONTHS AGO.  Here's the post...

My sweet and special girl...you're 16!  Sixteeeeen.  I'm almost at a loss for words about what that means, but you know me...I'll find those words and write them down here.

I started writing this on your birthday, but sometimes it takes me a while to get it all out.  There's so much to say and because of that, it's hard to know where to begin.  Well, to start, I know you noticed that I didn't write your "Dear Farrah: Part 15" last year, but that's because of so many reasons and so I will be including that for you here.

Your 15th year was full of many ups and downs, but mostly a lot of downs for you.  It's why I decided to allow time for healing and more good to show up in your life so you didn't see a melancholy post.  However, I think it's important to document a little about what got you there in the first place so you remember how you got out.

First, you were tasked with the heavy burden of knowing that one of your closest friends was struggling with thoughts of suicide and the responsibility fell onto your 14 year old shoulders to share this with your friend's mother.  This was difficult for you because you didn't want to betray your friend's trust, but also you were scared to death to lose him if you didn't say anything.  You ended up unloading an impossible message to a parent that was not aware their child had been struggling to get to that point.  You were so brave and only asked for a little bit of my help while you spoke with your friend's mother about what you knew and what your fears were.  As a result, you helped bring to light a very dark situation.  However, by taking on such a big and heavy task, the anxiety and stress of it all began to effect your stomach; bringing on constant severe pain which made me concerned that you could be prone to ulcers. (They run in the family at a young age).

Your doctor at the time prescribed anti-depressants to control the anxiety, but I honestly had hoped you could have something that was temporary like child-Xanax.  Do they even make that?  I wish they did because what happened with the anti-depressants sent you down a dangerous rabbit hole of your own personal hell.  The doctor kept insisting that you needed an increase dose.  Then she said you needed to change the type of anti-depressants, and when you continually got worse, we were told you needed to increase again.  When you finally felt like you were losing your mind, damaging relationships, and even worried about your own thoughts of hurting yourself I pulled you off, fired your doctor and 15-minute-session "therapist", and demanded better options.

When we met with a psychologist and several tests were conducted, it was determined that you suffer from ADHD among a few other things.  We learned that girls don't often get diagnosed correctly because it shows up as an "emotional" problem and it gets chalked up to them just being hormonal or depressed. (Do better, doctors!)  I didn't get diagnosed with ADHD until my late 30s.  I don't know why I was surprised that you had it, too.  But before you were diagnosed and before we fired your doctor...you had actually been doing a lot of research on your own and even told me several times you thought you had ADHD.  I'm ashamed to say I didn't believe you and thought you were grasping at straws for answers, when in fact, it appears to have been the issue all along.  

You immediately started to feel a little better once we had some answers, but it was a horrible journey getting there.  See, this was also during a time that you had your first boyfriend.  Your first love.  Your first kiss.  And sadly, your first heartbreak.  There was a lot that I witnessed that you went through that made me have to step up my role as your mother and also be your friend.  Because when you were struggling with all the medications your ex-doctor was prescribing and making you 10 times worse, it caused friends to pull away from you...when you really needed them the most.  Going through a break up without your closest friend was an added heartbreak.

During this time, I kept you home for several mental health days.  I didn't care how many you needed because I knew it was impossible to focus on anything but the pain you're experiencing with a break up and going through it without the support of your friend.  But Farrah, you impressed me when you dealt with this.  You were hurt, yes., but you took baby steps to feeling good again and you chose not to lash out, but rather be proactive in your own way.  I wanted to burn down the world because of your pain, but you calmly took charge and told me it was okay.  

And then there's the fun thing that guys do when they go through a break up.  "She's crazy."  Ah yes, the go-to comment that a lot of guys make to justify their own bad behaviors.  And yet, you - the crazy one - reached out to him and gave him a long heartfelt apology about your behavior while you were struggling and explained what you'd been through.  You knew there was a good chance he'd essentially tell you to eff off (which he did), but you also knew it was the right thing to do.  You said your piece and he refused to take accountability for his part.  And while this hurt your feelings, you didn't let it destroy you.  You said what you needed to say and left it at that.

Even with all of this chaos happening in your world, you managed to end the school year with a high GPA.  Girl, if I'd gone through half of what you went through, I would've just dropped out or opted to change schools.  No joke.  I couldn't have pulled off good grades with that much going on if I tried.  Hell, I got "okay" grades with drama that barely scratched the surface of yours, when I was in school.  And yet, you pulled it off when others would've thrown in the towel.

Some of the ugly that came from then were our fights...but there was beauty in there, too.  We fought bad and hard, but we also learned to listen and calm down and find peace.  This probably helped build a better foundation in how we communicate during tough times because of how difficult that time was.  I feel like we're a little more forgiving now and realize it was hard for both of us and how we need to be a little gentle with ourselves and each other.  We don't always get it right...but we do always get there.  There were lots of nights that we stayed up together, lots of hugs, lots of tears, but there were also some laughs and a stronger bond between us.

The art you've made from your darkest days to the days you began to see light.  Absolutely some of the most powerful things I've ever seen you create.  I still want to frame several of them and hang them throughout our house.  You made a piece that was of you, helping you.  It punched me in the gut while hugging it at the same time.  It was essentially you being there for yourself as your own best friend and it was beautiful.  Taking a time that was so ugly and turning it into something beautiful is something only a true artist can do.

You have taken a serious interest in mental health and disorders since learning not only of your own struggles, but others you go to school with, too.  There have been very open and honest conversations about mental health among family and friends and you are so brave because you know there is nothing to be ashamed of when people my age and older tend to think it is a nasty stigma.  It isn't.  And you happily share with others about what you've learned.  Now, you've taken and aced your first Psych class and already signed up for Advanced Psych for your third trimester.  Currently, this is a subject that you hold so close to your heart that you have been looking at which college to go to where you can get the best education studying it.

You've been paying close attention to things that are going on in the world that could affect you, politically.  You post on your social media accounts the importance of women's rights, LGBTQ rights, and all the rights that people - all people, should have.  You always post about mental health awareness to continue to voice why it's something no one should be ashamed of.  You've even helped both James and I open up about our own experiences when our generation was taught that we should be embarrassed about struggles we've gone through.

You've told me about other teens that open up to you about their trauma, their struggles, and issues that they're going through which tells me more about you than it does them.  You have a way about you that makes people feel comfortable and trusting.  You don't have a judgmental bone in your body and it is clear that others see this or sense this, because you tell me that people you hardly know have opened up to you about some really serious stuff.  The tough part though, is I know the people that are opening up to you are showing that they trust you and really want to be more than just surface friends, but really build a deep friendship with you...but your walls are up and you're not letting anyone in anytime soon.  That's the shitty thing about betrayal.  You can be making wonderful strides and progress with how you're feeling about yourself, but you learned the hard way that you can't control other people's behaviors and actions when trust has been broken by people you trusted the most.  It's a garbage thing to have to experience.  And it takes time to trust again...but it'll happen, honey.  You'll know when you're ready to let good people back into your heart and not feel like you have to go down to Home Depot and stock up on drywall, nails and hammers to build more walls to protect yourself.  When you're ready.

Your stomach.  Well, we still haven't fully got an answer and yet, we're trying different things.  For one, we've discovered that your stomach pains come on more frequently and stronger when you've had gluten.  Serious?  This is such a nightmare because you love bread, pasta, cake and everything gluten has to offer.  Now, we're searching out grocery stores for gluten free everything.  You've shown me how bloated your tiny stomach gets when you've accidentally ingested gluten (or if you cheated just a little).  This alone is proof that you are extremely intolerant of it.  We check with restaurants before we go out to make sure you have options, I continue to make dinners that you love, but have to make two different dinners to be sure you get to enjoy the same food as us.  It's a pain in the ass, but it's not like this is a dietary choice of yours.  Now, if you suddenly decided you were going to become vegetarian tomorrow, then you're on your own to cook because you'll put me in my grave early if I have to do two menus!  The discovery of the gluten sensitivity is one thing, but it isn't all of it.  When you're stressed, your stomach goes bananas and it's quite painful.  We are stocked with Pepto and Tums for the moments that it comes out of nowhere.  We've been given various medications for you to try, of which none work so far.  We have a referral to get you seen at Children's Hospital because they just don't touch GI issues with anyone under 18 out here.  Now, we're just waiting for that appointment.

But here's something that we discovered...flour in the states is different in other countries.  We already read about that, but when we went to Costa Rica in November, you discovered this for yourself.  You rarely had any stomach issues while we were on our vacation.  There are two key reasons I believe that's the case.  For one, yes, the flour is different.  The amount of gluten in our flour is so much higher than other places in the world.  Thanks, America.  You ate things that had flour and you either experience very minor discomfort or none at all!  But the other reason I feel you had no stomach issues was because we really vacationed while we were there.  We didn't think about school, relationships, work, or anything at all.  We either explored and went on excursions or truly relaxed by the pool and on the beach every single day.  This was the most relaxed we'd all been in a very long time and I think your body and mind needed a break from everything.  And we've all agreed it was the most wonderful and magical place we've ever been.  Usually, when on vacations, by day 8, we're ready to go home and get back to our normal lives.  This was different.  All three of us were actually sad to leave and didn't want to go.  The amount of peace we all experienced and simply eased through every day even though we were always doing something, says a lot about that country.  We have been seriously looking at what it would cost to buy a place in Costa Rica so we can all go there at any time in our lives to just enjoy life and take a break from "realty".  And the happy news is we could actually afford to purchase a place and stay there for long periods of time right now if we wanted.  Just need to find the right place!

You have your first job!  Not just any job but one you've wanted for at least 2 years.  You work at D' Olivo at the Pybus Market selling products to customers.  You have learned so much about the science behind olive oil and trained your pallet so well that it comes so naturally to you to help people find what they didn't even know they wanted.  You're a natural!  This has been so good for you because it has taken your expectations of what your social life should look like at school and moved it to your work instead.  You're very good at what you do and the people you work with love you!  Your manager even came up to me and gave me a big hug for simply "making" you.

You can sing.  I always knew you could carry a note, but lately I've heard you sing along with songs that are complicated and nail them.  What??  I know you're shy about it, but I can't go without saying that you have a great voice and I really love hearing you.

You consistently have straight As and this is mind-blowing.  While you had amazing grades when you finished out the year last year, certain subjects that you usually had to work a little harder at have finally clicked for you.  Your As are going to cost James a lot of money if you keep this up!  But the best thing about your grades is you've decided you want to do well, all on your own.  There has never been pressure from me to do more and be better.  Quite the opposite.  I'd rather you relax from all the pressure you put on yourself than to push you any harder than you already do.  But here we are...you with your high GPA that puts you where you want to be to make you feel confident to apply to the colleges you want to go to.  And with that being said, we've already started making the arrangements to look at getting you started with Running Start next school year.

You went to your first real school dance!  Your friend, Keleb, asked you (as friends only) and you said yes.  We got you a cute pin striped black dress and he was such a gentleman when he came to pick you up (his mom drove), thanking us for allowing you to go to the dance with him.  You two had been friends for a while and he seemed to be the first person you connected with at the high school and were able to be your old self around.  You'd come home with funny stories about this guy and I always wondered if maybe there was something else for you two eventually. I know you're not in that place yet because you're still healing, but I can honestly say the fact that you're taking your time to ensure you feel good enough to venture out and develop new friendships and possibly date again, shows a tremendous amount of maturity.

You've been driving!!  You've been taking driver's ed for a while and been driving us around all over the place.  You completely refuse to drive to school or from school because you don't want anyone to see you. But they'll see you when you finally get your license!  Dear lord, knowing that you're about ready to experience a hefty taste of what freedom really feels like crushes me a little because once you have your license, I won't get to spend those 10-15 minute long private moments with you in the car as much.

Grandma and Poppy came to town for the weekend to celebrate your sweet 16.  We started off at Bubbly, the champagne restaurant, and enjoyed a really nice lunch.  Then mom, you, and I all tried on mom's pink knitted dress that she made for her engagement (or was it for her honeymoon?), and we ALL fit in it!  It was super cute because we took pictures of all three of us in it.  That night, we drove all the way to Chelan for a lovely dinner at Tsillan Winery.  It was so cold out!!  We had to go from our car to the restaurant, then the restaurant to our car as fast as we could without slipping and falling on our asses.  I'd saved up money for this dinner and paid for all of us.  It was super fancy and I had flowers delivered at the restaurant for you.  It was funny because you'd hoped someone in the family was going to....and I made that happen.  Your gift from James and I was to match what you saved of your own money that you intended to put down on a car, so that you were able to get a car a bit nicer than what you could normally afford.  You've got skin in the game which will make it that much more special.  We had two birthday cakes...or actually one birthday cake for me, grandma, and poppy to share, and you had a gluten free brownie and macaroon cookies.  It was a really great night celebrating you.

You truly amaze me.  Every day, you are becoming this incredible young woman that proves she can do anything and make anything happen.  Even against the toughest scenarios, you are resilient and nothing can stop you.  Being 16 is truly the beginning of a totally new part of your life, so be smart, make good choices, and remember even when you want to feel like you're growing up super fast...you can slow down and still be my little girl when you just want to be a kid.  

I love you, Kitten.

Dear Farrah: Part 14

My sweet girl.  You are now 14 and it has been a wild, wild journey getting here from last year.  Did I say 14?  It feels more like you're 20!  

You will look back at this one and you'll be left shaking your head.  What a year!  

You were forced to grow up and face the road to 14 in a way no one was able to foresee.

To begin, by the time you finally adjusted to the idea that I had cancer, my treatments were finally over and I was in remission.  You and I got to be ourselves again and it's been awesome!  However, as soon as it seemed like life would get back to normal, Covid.  That's all I have to say to explain what your year was like.  

Remember all those times we would go to the grocery store and feel like there were just too many people and we'd joke, "We need a plague."?  Whoops!  When the world was still learning about it, you would get mad at me if I needed to sneeze or cough because of my allergies.  "Don't do that, mom!!"  

You were dismissed from school without much of a goodbye and only one of your teachers said, "It's likely this is the last time we'll be seeing each other at school this year." and that was in March.  Online learning to finish the 7th grade was silly.  No one knew what they were doing and it was essentially the longest summer vacation ever.  We ended up making it so we were extra careful and kept to ourselves before it was even mandated.  InstaCart became our way of grocery shopping and home cooked meals were more regular than usual.  You honed in your baking skills!  Yum!  Strawberry bread, blackberry scones, cupcakes, pies, cookies, and banana bread.  The gyms were closed so while this was awesome, it sucked for us, too.  (Very weird writing as if it's in past tense because all these things are still happening!)

You spent a TON of your time with your art.  Not only did you make several new pieces, but your style and skillsets became more and more sharpened.  You sold your art!  You are STILL selling your art!  You are officially a business person.  Well...almost.  You aren't paying taxes yet, but in due time sweetheart.  Your art has also been noticed and "liked" by some pretty big people, most importantly, Tyler Joseph from Twenty One Pilots.  Whaaaat?!!  He even liked a piece of your art as recently as last week and it was an incredible drawing. 

When it was announced that Twenty One Pilots was coming out with a new song, you were beyond excited and secretively, so was I.  We loved playing "Level of Concern" until we hated it.  Your love for other musicians grew and your taste expanded.  More Billie (more art of Billie, too), Harry Styles, Melanie Martinez, Clairo, and more.  You make me listen to their music and watch their videos and I roll my eyes at some and download others.  I have to say I'm still impressed with your taste.

Your clothes.  Well.  Hmmm.  I guess your style was put on a permanent hold from the first day you had online learning.  I don't think I got the memo that said your new school uniform was a hoodie with sweatpants and an occasional blanket wrapped around the ensemble as a finishing touch.  It looks cute on you because it's you.  From time to time, you've switched it up to jeans or shorts and a t-shirt and I don't recognize you.  That's always a fun surprise.  You've recently shared your love for the 90s "aesthetic".  It's a look you've decided you want and you're working your way towards getting.  If only I'd saved ALL my clothes from back then.  

Your hair!  It has changed over and over.  It has changed colors and it has changed length.  Back on your 13th birthday, you had it bleached and had some lavender and silver thrown in and it was so pretty.  Later you added more purple to it and even later added some blues.  During Covid, there was a period of time going to a salon was not an option and your only option was...me.  Your trust in me is adorable, but it is placed there falsely.  With zero formal training, I did everything you asked, although I should've asked more times "Are you surrrrrrre??"  We went a bit short.  It's been growing out, and it's getting closer to being easier to work with.  You colored it hot pink with dark roots and it was soooooo cute!  Loved it.  Then you tried a different look...dark brown on top and super blonde underneath.  It isn't your favorite and it happens to be the hardest to fix.  But the incredible part of all this experimenting with your looks is your bravery!  It baffles my mind.  "It's just hair...it'll grow back."  Even making a change from the comfy sweats to buying a dress for yourself online is brave.  That's not something you normally would wear and you decided you wanted something different and you went for it.  I'm proud of you for that!

Bravery.  That's a big one.  This year was a big year when it came to politics and social uprising that caught your attention and got you thinking.  The vote for who'd be our next president, BLM, women's rights, and LGBTQ rights to name a few.  I was proud when you decided to use your social media as a platform to speak out about what you believe in and to speak to others about your views.  This was another learning moment for all of us, however.  We worked on how to teach you about "not everything you read on the internet is true" while at the same time having to teach ourselves that we would have to listen to what you had to say if it was something you did research on and felt was important.  There were lots of arguments, but mostly because the passion you have behind what you feel is right gets louder and louder and bigger than anything else in the room.  There were discussions, there were debates, and there were speeches. I preferred the discussions.  You've taken on adults, some students from your school online, and complete strangers and taken the time to educate others to the best of your abilities (even if they didn't see things the same as you).  Yikes!  We often talked about you being so driven about what's going on in society and how you'd like to see changes and what you could do about it.  "Study politics!" Is that your next path?  Who knows?

You're watching films that are more mature.  Nooooo!  "Mom, if there's sex in it just skip over it."  Gross.  Why aren't you watching shows like Horseland and Jessie?  I miss those days.  Don't worry, James will always remind me to be more vigilant when it comes to allowing you to watch certain shows (because he knows I suck at it and I NEED that reminder).  You're still only 14.  

You have a good heart and a good soul, Farrah.  You're smart and you're funny.  You say things under your breath that crack me up.  You're beautiful.  You're silly!  We LOVE to play hide-and-seek with the dogs.  And you aren't too old for me to chase you through the house until you start to "Hollywood Scream" at the top of your lungs.  We all play cards together, Battleship, and other games.  You've offered to help me with my job so you can get some work experience and it's been fun!  We cuddle up together and if I don't give you our cheek to cheek kiss and a hug good night... have we even said good night to each other?  When you plant yourself on my lap because there aren't enough chairs on the patio, it warms my heart (unless it's 90+ degrees outside, in which case, get the hell off me and find somewhere else to sit!).  You stand face to face with me in hopes you might just have reached my height.  You're close!

Farrah, I love you so much.  I love our talks and the time we spend together.  I love that we have such a close relationship where you know you can come to me with anything.  Sometimes I come to you, too.  You light up my world and have brought such a deeper meaning in my life than I thought possible.  I'm so happy you're my daughter and I couldn't be more proud to say so.

Happy birthday, Kitten.  Mama loves you.  

Dear Farrah: Part 13 (A Little Late)

Dear Farrah:

You are officially a teenager today.  I have so many mixed emotions right now.  My heart breaks a little as you inch closer to the years that will take you down exciting paths that I won't get to walk along with you because your social circle has branched out beyond your mom.  However, I'm also terribly excited about how far you've come and how you've grown and matured impressively.

There's always so much I write about to describe what your year has been like and what wonderful and challenging things you've done, and this year is no exception.  In fact, this year has been our hardest and our best.  Kind of weird, huh.

You have held on to your love for your favorite band (Twenty One Pilots) and have made room for other artists (Billie Eilish).  I have to bow down to your taste in music - it's all pretty rad.  You and your music - Gah!  Although it's my car, you ask me every single time we get in it, "Can I connect my phone?  Can I play my music?"  And like clockwork, if I respond with a no, you say, "But your music sucks!"  Does it?  Isn't half of my music TWENTY ONE PILOTS?!!  Not to mention, all the songs you share with me that I like...I download those too.  And to keep the peace in my car, I'll play T0P (that you love) and shuffle in a little Sia (that you hate).  We went to two concerts!  Two!  And they were both Twenty One Pilots.

Your clothes are just as unique as you.  Somehow, you've managed to look fashionable and homeless at the same time, and yet you wear it well and make it work.  I've caught myself saying, "You're going to wear that?" when you're ready to head out somewhere, and then you give me 'the look' and I remember making that same face to my mother, and I try to turn it around so you know what you're wearing is fine...within reason, of course. You've always had a sense of fashion that seems quirky but ends up cool.

Your art.  My God, your talent absolutely blows my mind.  I can't help but show people your work.  Yes, I'm bragging about you; I can't help it!  It's so good that I want you to let me help you prep your portfolio now because I can see you doing anything you want with the skills you have now...at 13!!
I love that you know you want a future that includes art.  I love that you want to be an art teacher, "But at a university because I don't want to teach kids.  I don't like kids enough to do that all day and they wouldn't be very good."  Understood, Farrah.  But you talk about wanting to go to college in Canada.  Nooooooooo!  Please don't do that to me - it's too far away.  I know you're still young and you may change your mind a thousand more times, but I was excited when we decided it might not be a bad idea to look at working in animation for Disney.  I was particularly happy to see there were locations you could work in Washington.  Now, I know why when I asked my mom, "What would you do if I moved to Alaska?" she said without hesitation, "I'd move there, too."

School.  Oh boy.  I'm always excited to see your report card because you are acing everything!  You went through some crap in 6th grade where you'd been accused of cheating because of how you wrote a summary when their idea of what you'd write would be more like a synopsis.  Your teacher accused me of setting high expectations for you and that you're trying so hard to please me - that made me laugh pretty hard.  I laughed because this woman thought she knew you better than I do.  See, I know that you take your school work seriously no matter how much you hate it.  It's important to YOU to do well.  I know that you know that I don't push you in school and tell you I expect you to get perfect grades.  But most importantly...I know that you don't try to please me.  You're not even trying to please me by making your bed without me asking.  But I am pleased with how well you do in school and how much your 7th grade teachers really enjoy you and most seem to get you.

You've definitely become your own person.  You enjoy your time alone when you can spend hours sketching or drawing while listening to your music.  Your room is decked out with Twenty One Pilots "merch".  Your style is yours and I'm happy when you ask to borrow clothes you like of mine.  You are using teenage slang.  You're using technology constantly to communicate with your friends, work on your digital art, and post your art and look up your favorite things and people on Instagram.  You ask to hang out with friends, to go ice skating, to watch football and basketball games, and now you ask that James and I go on more date nights so you can just have some quiet time and hang out with the dogs.

Our dogs!  You're so great with them.  You truly love Twig and Kaia and spoil them with affection.  It's awesome to see how much they love you too.

So, the reason I've been taking forever on this blog is because this is the part that's been really tough for me to want to write, but it needs to be remembered.  How can we forget?  When I was diagnosed with cancer...I couldn't tell you.  I had to wait a couple weeks to let you know and it ate me alive.  The hardest I cried throughout my entire time dealing with being sick, was knowing I needed to tell you and it broke my heart in a million pieces to think I'd have to tell you such a shitty thing.  I didn't want to scare you even though your only experience with cancer was seeing how sick your sister-in-law got, and that my cousin had just passed away from her battle just months before my diagnosis. 
As always, we handled things with a lightheartedness and humor because I didn't want you to worry or be scared...but I can't control everything.  This put a burden on our relationship and for that honey, I'm sorry.  Your feelings about me being sick showed up as anger.  None of us knew the best approach for you in terms of understanding how to communicate your feelings, to be sure you truly understood what was happening and what was to come, or whether it was best you knew as much as you needed or if I needed to hide things.  But the things that stand out in my mind are when I wouldn't feel good and I'd say, "Honey, can you get me my 2s and 3s?"  All my medications were numbered and you knew exactly where to find them and you never sat there and made me wait for those pills.  You'd get them and you'd bring me something to drink if I needed it.  We got Kaia right when I started treatment, so you took care of her on the days James wasn't home.  You did such a great job and I was so proud of you.  You helped me pick the berries off the marion berry bush and you took care of things as we asked.  I never asked a lot of you, because I knew you were already carrying a heavy weight that you didn't want to deal with or talk about.  And even though we fought a lot during that time because I know you didn't know how to show what you were feeling...every once in a while, you'd see my face and quietly ask me, "Are you okay?" 

We are convinced we're out of the woods, but like me, I'm sure there's some fear still for you too.  I noticed that when my energy started to climb and I was able to be more like myself around the house, you became happier, sillier, and no qualms about chores James and I would ask you to take care of.  I realized, I can't get sick like that again.  But if I do, I think I'd be more prepared how to handle it with you.  I know you were scared, Farrah.  And so was I.  But the thought of you being afraid of the "what if" with me, broke me to pieces.  I fought my ass off so you won't have to see that side of life for our little family again.  And if for some crappy reason I get sick again, I will fight and fight and fight.  I'll fight for you, kiddo.  The best gift I plan to give you for your 13th is a clean bill of health...and some Twenty One Pilots merchandise.

Cancer.

On May 20th, I was diagnosed with High Grade Adenocarcinoma in the endometrium, favoring the cervix.  It was a super wordy way of telling me that I had uterine or cervical cancer.  

I had been experiencing weird symptoms (severe bleeding) since November that I chalked up to the fact that I was just getting a little older.  I had talked to a bunch of my girlfriends who were the same age and who were going through the exact same thing and it was actually quite normal (over 60% of women go through what I had been dealing with) - more details to come in a book.  That's right...I'm writing about all of this with all the gruesome details.  You're welcome.  

When I saw the doctor about what was going on, he said it was normal and I had several options to make it stop: hormone therapy, IUD, implant in my arm, or uterine ablation.  Well, the idea of having something inserted into my body grossed me out and freaked me out, so I opted to have the ablation since I was never planning on kids again.  And no more periods?  Sold!

I was scheduled for my surgery on May 30th and my pre-op appointment was May 16th.  On Thursday, the 16th, my doctor went over what I should expect and I signed a bunch of waivers.  Yeah, yeah, yeah...let's do this!!  Then he told me, just to be on the safe side, "I'd like to take a quick biopsy just in case there's any chance of any cancer, because once we do the surgery, it'll form scar tissue over the cancer making it untreatable."  

Biopsy?

The first thing I asked was where were the drugs.  I didn't get any.  The best way I can describe what having a uterine or cervical biopsy is this:  with no pain killers, no xanax, nothing...someone puts a tiny tool waaaaaay too far up inside you and that tool happens to be like a nail clipper and they just SNIP a piece of you out.  Of course, when you scream or begin to faint, the male doctor (never again) asks, "Do you want me to stop and reschedule?"  Screw you, man.  It was traumatic.  It was horrifying.

Monday, May 20th:

Me:  "Hellllo?"
Caller:  "Is this Kathryn?"
Me:  "Yes it is!"
Caller:  "Good morning, it's Dr. O'Brian.  I hope I'm not waking you."
Me:  "Not even a little.  I've been up working since 5!"
Caller:  "Okay, well, I got the results back from your biopsy."
Me:  "Awesome!"
Caller:  "And I think you need to come in."

My stomach dropped.

He told me the biopsy came back positive for cancer.

James rushed home and we went to see the doctor about the next steps.

Spokane or UW in Seattle?

UW...duh.

I was scheduled for labs, an MRI and immediately had an appointment with Dr. Urban at the University of Washington (best in her field) all in a matter of days.  My whole family came to UW with me and she told me after looking at the MRI, it appeared to be uterine cancer.  After my exam however, she said it was early stage cervical cancer.  Early stage was good!

My options:

1.  Chemo and radiation - Nah, that does not sound fun.  Pass.
2.  Radical hysterectomy - Hmm, a big scar?  I can live with that - there'll be a good story to go with it.

The idea of going with the radical hysterectomy was to remove all my reproductive organs and tissues surrounding the areas to ensure nothing got missed.  While open, they would remove the lymph nodes to the left and right side of my cervix and test them to be sure nothing had spread.  If it spread, they'd stop the surgery, zip me back up, and start the other treatment.

I had my pre-op on May 30th (the day I was supposed to have the other surgery) and my surgery was on the 3rd of June.

I went in, got poked at, drugged up, and I remember the team of surgeons telling me to think of a happy place as I dozed off knowing I'd wake up in an ugly gown in a hospital bed, ready to take some serious naps for the next couple days while I healed up.  I even brought my computer so I could get some work done.

When I woke up...my family was in the room watching me and my doctor was sitting on a chair next to me.  She told me that the cancer had spread to my lymph nodes.  She removed a bunch more to run tests on to see if it had gone any further, but for now, I no longer had my fallopian tubes and I would need to mentally prepare myself because the next steps would be radiation and chemo.

I said, "You'd said originally I was early stage...what stage am I now?"

Stage 3.

I sat there nodding that I understood.

"You said the success rate is 90%.  What is it now?"

60-70%.

I nodded again and accepted the information for what it was.

Dr. Urban squeezed my hand and told me we had a plan and to take some time to absorb the information she'd given me.

Since then, I have healed from my partial hysterectomy, gone through several weeks of daily external radiation, 5 rounds of invasive internal Brachey therapy, and 10 rounds of chemo.

Today was my last day of chemo.

In three months, I'll have my PET scan that I know will show I'm free and clear of any and all cancer. I'll spend the next 5 years of my life checking in on this to make sure I'm good.

There have been tears, but mostly, there has been laughter and love.  God, so much laughter.  So much love.

I couldn't have done this without the absolute unconditional love, strength and support from James, my parents, my family, my daughter, and my friends.  I also couldn't have done it without the support of my bosses and co-workers because they knew I wanted to keep working and stay busy and "normal" and I love them all for that.

What James has done for me...has blown my mind.  I never thought I could love him more than I already did, and wow - I found myself falling more and more in love with him every day as he took every step with me along the way.  Even shuffling steps down the hallways of the hospital for exercise, holding hands and looking out the windows and planning for when I'm better.

I have already started writing details about my experience because I love to share stories.  I have a lot to share, and luckily, a lot of then are funny and light-hearted.  Some suck, but that's because c'mon...I'm talking about cancer.

But to give you an idea of some of what funny little things I experienced were...here's a short story:

Dr. Kim, who was handling the Internal Brachey Therapy (internal radiation) had to give me an examination.  This had to have been my 10th exam because everyone needed to get a look-see before treating me.  With the sheet over her head and me feeling extremely vulnerable and uncomfortable in my stirrups, staring at the ceiling, I heard her say, "Oh!  That's a really neat tattoo on your leg!  What is that?  It's so pretty!"

It wasn't until the next day that I burst out laughing at how inappropriate, yet awesomely funny it was.  I know what that poor lady sees everyday...and it's not tattoos on thighs.  I freakin' love her.

That Time I Was In a Slow Speed Chase

A couple months ago, I was thoroughly enjoying a small guilty pleasure of french fries while on my way back from dropping off Farrah at Stevens Pass for the parental exchange and lost track of how fast I was going.  First, understand that I almost never eat fast food.  Second, if I do, it's almost never McDonalds.  Third, I am very aware how bad that food is for me which is why I was eating it very quickly so no one would discover my dirty little secret that I was loving every greasy McDonalds french fry that went in my mouth.  And in my desperation to complete my high caloric treat before anyone was the wiser, the inevitable weight I was gaining began pushing down onto my right foot.
Before I knew it, the blue and red flashing lights came up behind me.  Damn it! 

The winter here has been bananas and very late.  Because of all the snow fall, the snowbanks were incredibly high and went on for miles.  The very inconvenient thing about that is it makes it virtually impossible to find a place to pull over.  And I couldn't.  So, to avoid getting into more trouble...I simply stopped.  On highway 2.  As the cop walked up, I stuck my head out the window and told him there was nowhere to pull over.  He said it was fine and asked for my driver's license.  After looking at it and seeing I was from East Wenatchee, he told me to go ahead and drive over to Smallwoods (a large fruit stand and small store) where we would discuss my speeding.

I thought it was odd that he would suggest that I turn around, pulling a u-turn across highway 2, cutting over a double yellow line...but who was I to argue his decision?  I started heading back to Smallwoods and watched in my rearview mirror as he had to pull in and out several times to conduct the same u-turn as his SUV was too big.  Anyway, off I went to get my ticket.  Shortly after the cop came up behind me, I noticed his flashing lights were going.

"What the hell?  Yeah, we've already established I'm getting pulled over."

Then he was tailgating me and getting awfully close.

"Jesus!  Knock it off asshole!!  I get it!"

Then he continued to tailgate me, I saw another set of blue and red lights, and finally I heard the  loud sirens.

"Oh my freakin' GAWD!!! Why the hell are you being so dramatic??!"

I found a spot to pull over and thought to myself, "Why didn't he suggest I pull over here?  This is much closer than Smallwoods."

As soon as the cop pulled up behind me, I rolled down my window, "Was that really necessary?  I'm right here!"

Then the policeman said, "I told you to go to Smallwoods!"
"I was - it's right up there." I responded.
"Noooooo," he said, "it's BACK THERE."

In my honest disbelief with my very real handicap when it comes to having any sense of direction, I did the only thing I could think of in my defense.  I laughed.  Hard.

I asked him, "So, because it appeared I was hightailing it out of town, is that why that guy is searching my dirty car with his flashlight?"

Police officer, "Yup."

Cool.  There was a high beam going through every corner of my vehicle.

The cop asked for my insurance and as I was pulling it out of my wallet, I remembered the insurance card that was NOT expired was currently sitting on my desk.  Shit.  I handed it over anyway.  This whole time, I had already accepted my fate and the steep ticket I was inevitably going to receive.
He asked for my registration and as soon as I opened my glove compartment...the flashlight lit up my box of 9mm bullets. 
Oh shit.  Oh shit.  Oh shit.

I watched as the two men talked to each other over the top of my car.

"Ma'am...to you have a gun on you?"

"No, I don't.  Let me guess...are you asking because of all those bulletsssssss the other cop saw?"

"Yes.  Ma'am, do you have a gun?"

This was getting embarrassing.  "Yes, but it's at home...in pieces."
"Why is it in pieces?" he asked.
"Because I took it apart and never learned how to put it back together again so I left it in pieces in the gun case, assuming that it was safer there, than on me."
He didn't ask any more questions about the gun because he probably agreed whole heartedly with me on that.
However, it did prompt his next question...
"Ma'am, have you been drinking tonight?"
I immediately responded by holding up my very melted iced latte, "Not yet!  Mostly likely when I get home, though."

At this point, he seemed at a loss.

But we weren't finished yet.

"Ma'am, I'm giving you back your registration but it isn't signed.  You can get a really big fine if these aren't signed."

My awesome response, "Oh, well, the car is owned by my parents, but I just paid it off and it was supposed to be signed over to me, but I never received the title so honestly, I don't know who owns the car at this point, nor who'd sign that registration!"

He sighed...then he said, "Ma'am your insurance card is expired..."
"Yep!  The one that SHOULD be in my wallet is on my desk.  I'll be sure to put that in there when I get home."

I was suffering from honest-diarrhea-mouth.  I did have a little bit of common sense to conveniently forget to tell him that the driver's license he was handing back to me had my old address on it because I kept forgetting to update it.

He said, "I assumed since you were from East Wenatchee, you would know where Smallwoods was."

"Well, that was your first mistake.  Anyone that knows me, knows I can get lost in my own back yard.  I probably should've warned you."

He just stood there looking a tad dumbfounded as he told me, "Look, I'm not going to give you a ticket tonight.  Just slow down and please...just get home safe."

I laughed and thanked him and wished him well.

The truth is, I know I was let off the hook because I can only imagine how pathetic and a mess I must have appeared.  He probably figured the chaotic life I must live has to be punishment enough.  I laughed all the way home.  It was probably my best pull-over experiences in my life.  I think my naive honesty is what saved my ass.

Dear Farrah: Part 12

Dear Farrah:

Today is later than normal, but you know why it has taken so long...but here I am like I am every year wishing you the happiest of birthdays.

Last week, you turned 12.  TWELVE!!!  Oh man, it really is hard to believe how fast you've grown.  Honestly, I don't know where to start!

But you have made it easy when you've said yourself, "2018 has been a really great year, mom."

So, let's being...

In the 5th grade, you came home and told me about a writing competition you wanted to attempt, knowing there was a chance you could win $100.  I decided to read more of the paperwork that was provided and found the words "Royalty" and "Apple Blossom" were in the sign up sheet and I let you know, if you won, I had a feeling there'd be more to it than writing an essay and simply winning $100 (which you were hellbent on winning).
Well, you decided to go for it, wrote your essay about telekinesis, and I ended up getting a call congratulating ME that YOU made it to the final 11 (out of 85 girls).  Then you needed to write another essay behind closed doors and without any parental supervision.  You were one of the last girls to come out and one of the only ones that wasn't smiling from ear to ear.  This made me nervous.  We got to the car and I asked how you thought you did and I was prepared for a lot of tears.
"I'm pretty sure I got it."
Huh?
You were so certain that you were going to be one of the Junior Royalty, that you had an aura of confidence I wish I had about things in my life.
But this is what I've taught you.  This is how I've raised you.  If you believe it to be so and you can envision the reality of what is to come...it is yours.  And so, a week later, I dropped you off at school and you were bummed that you wore a sweatshirt, leggings, and a messy bun because if you ended up winning, you thought you should've dressed up a bit.  And you were right and wrong...you were right because you won (in front of the entire 5th grade - an assembly put together JUST for you!!) and you were wrong, because when you were crowned with your WSU sweatshirt, messy bun, and chunky earrings...you were you.  You remained your authentic self and stayed true to you, and for that I and other women solute you.  Later, it was obvious that you were singled out for choices you made to remain yourself and it hurt your feelings a little...but more, it made you laugh a lot.  Because if you are to appear to be a young lady for others to look up to...it must be for things that make you the unique individual that you are, and conforming just has never been your thing (mine neither, so if you picked that up from me, I don't know if I should apologize or say, "you're welcome.")

You spent 2018 being one of the Junior Royalty of the Wenatchee Apple Blossom and you did so well.  And while you had your own ways of doing things, you made sure you had a good time every time.  Seeing you engage with others, laugh with the other girls, spend time and learn from the older royalty girls, and simply have fun at every event you attended (which consumed 90% of your free time in 2018)...I was beside myself with pride.  Not only did you win...you followed through and did so well, making friends along the way.

A very big decision was made over a year ago, but it became real only this last summer.  You and I were going to live with James.  It had been talked about for a long time, but the process of getting there took forever...until we found the perfect home for the three of us.  At times, our suggestions would upset you and I know you thought you weren't being heard because you were just a kid...but your happiness helped us make our decision.  James works in Bellevue and the company I work for is also in Bellevue.  The logical move was to be west of the mountains, finding a home that the three of us could be happy in.  But there was only a couple homes you would even remotely consider because the truth was, you had no desire to live anywhere besides East Wenatchee...even Wenatchee was a stretch.  While you loved the family you have on the west side, you made it clear that you loved your friends, your school, your teachers...and most importantly, your home town.  And James and I decided from there, we were going to try and find a home that would keep you in your same school district (he's never wanted to live in East Wenatchee because he is a Wenatchee guy, through and through), get us even 5 minutes closer to hwy 2 just to knock time off both our commutes, and a house that would accommodate a growing teenager who would most definitely have a social life and who'd want her own space.  We bought the PERFECT house!  And you love it and you have adapted so well.

Remember when you and I went to Disneyland?  Remember when we came back and you said, "I want our next trip to be Maui!"  I thought it was pretty ambitious of you to suggest such a place, but like I always do - I made a game out of the Law of Attraction and played with various affirmations.  And look what you got to do this October!  Usually, the vacations are just me and James, but this year was our very first family vacation!  I knew there would be a few struggles, simply because you are at that age where you forget that there are other people on the planet other than yourself (not to worry, you are not the only 11-12 year old who sees the world this way - we just decided to start teaching you that you need to look beyond yourself...but we learned with you, too).
I had so much fun with you! James had so much fun with you!  And I am 100% certain you had so much fun with us. :)  It was such a wonderful opportunity for you and James to get to know each other better and I would look out and see the two of you smiling and laughing in the ocean and talking - it warmed my heart that you were able to let your guard down even for a little bit, to allow yourself to simply enjoy the moment of being where we were and just be present...we were in Maui, for crying out loud!

When school started this school year, you had some rough patches and began for the first time ever, to say, "I don't think I like school."  This was disheartening.  I've never heard you say this...but you've never been in the advanced classes before, nor had teachers assumed you were cheating on a paper you wrote because they thought I wrote it (high five).  You've made new friends and realized recently that the home we just got is set up for you to have friends over.  One of your best friends who never sleeps over at friends' houses because it makes her uncomfortable and homesick, stayed the night with you on your birthday without any trouble!  You two discovered the room that James and I made for you to spend time in with your friends...and you loved it!  In fact, day by day, you've made it your little chill out room to draw or read.  So cool.

These last few weeks have been rough ones due to losing my cousin Jen.  You know how close our family is because as I've grown up with the Grants my whole life...when we get west, you're seeing the Grants all the time too!  You know the closeness because you see it and feel it.
When Jen was closing in on the end of her life, you saw how it affected everyone as I did...but you also saw how it affected me.  We talked and shared our concerns for the family and you'd ask a lot of questions.  Breast cancer is a rotten bitch.  But there is one night that stands out beyond so many others...
I had been told about the struggles that Jen was having, her father was having, her sister Breann was having, and all the many, many tears and breakdowns that were happening when I wasn't at the hospital.  Well, one night, I had been holding on to all that information all day all to myself and when you said good night to me, I said, "Ya know?  This whole thing sucks so bad.  Poor uncle Mike saying good bye to her, Breann falling apart when she's always so stoic, Jen having to say good bye to her kids, and seeing Dianne stay strong though it all even though you know she just wants to scream at the world for how cruel it is to take her daughter from her like this...it just sucks so freakin' bad."  I was just speaking.  I think I was sharing with you, but mostly, I was just getting the burden of the information and sadness out of my insides so I could try and breathe normal for just a damn second.  And then I saw the most beautiful thing...you.  You were ready for bed and had already said good night to me.  But when I started to cry when I couldn't keep all the information that was shared with me bottled up anymore...you quietly grabbed a blanket, sat on the floor across from me, and settled in to listen for however long I needed you.
My daughter.  This was your old soul coming through in neon lights.  You were a week away from being 12, but your kindness and wisdom was that of someone so much older.  Kindness.  It was what you displayed in a way that NO ONE your age would normally do.  This floored me and made me so damn proud.

Farrah, so much has changed for you this 11th year of your life.  You've become an incredible young woman (oh gawd, am I actually on to that description of you now??!!).  One with dreams, mad art skills (serious...what am I going to do with you to help you explore your art skills any further?!), good friends, desire to do well in school, and little by little more open to taking on responsibilities around the house and building a relationship with James.

You don't kiss me anymore and dodge it when I get too close.  This sucks for me, but I get it.  It's a challenge to get my little daughter kisses anymore...but that challenge is accepted.  But just so you know, I've noticed that you've never stopped being close and affectionate with me and I love that about you.  You don't want to be too obvious that you love me...but ya do.  Caught ya!

I know I say "I love you so much" when I've asked you to do a chore or something you don't want to do and I say it in a voice that's whiney and silly...but, I want you to know it's so very true.  I love you so much.  I can't imagine my life without you because you are so important to me and bring me so much craziness and joy.  Keep doing what you're doing honey (unless it's irritating me and I've told you to stop) and dare to be different from the norm.  It's what makes the wonderful you...you.

You are my heart.

I love you, Kitten.

Love,

Mom (aka Ma)

P.S.

Yes, Twenty Øne Pilots is pretty rad.

Why It's Important To Always Have A Clean And Well Kept Home

My house was broken into today at some point.  But wait...let's bring it down a notch.  It wasn't exactly broken into, but rather strolled through by a complete stranger which apparently is just called "trespassing".  

I was leaving my house in a hurry this morning and taking my dog with me so she wouldn't be alone and I put her outside for one last go and I remember thinking what a pain in the ass my back door was.  I am good at locking up before I leave.  

Except for today.  

I remember looking at the front door and noting that the door was locked.  Awesome.  All set to leave.

I had taken care of all my things for the day:  picked up Farrah, spent time with James, stopped off at the store to grab an easy meal for me and Farrah for when we got home.  As soon as I pulled toward the house and the garage door opened, I noticed I didn't need to open the garage door as the front door to my house was wide open.

The front door to my house was WIDE OPEN.

I called James, "Ummmmm....someone's been in my house.  I distinctly remember NOT leaving the door wide open."

I called 911 and the dispatcher lady sounded more afraid than I did.  She'd asked if I wanted to stay on the phone until the police came and I said no.  I had to get off the phone and straighten out my head.

The first thing I said to my horrified child in the back seat was, "Well, it's a good thing we don't have anything that anyone wants."

"I do!!!" was her reply.  Apparently, I'm not good at soothing an eleven year old who has an awesome collection of everything in her room.  I let her know everything was going to be okay and once the police were there, we'd know if there was truly anything to be upset about.

Then we realized there was.

Our house.  I had left in such a hurry, I hadn't made my bed and I had a pile of towels that needed to be washed on the floor and clothes that needed to be hung up on the bed.  Bills that needed to be paid were on the kitchen table from going over them earlier.  I'd run the dishes, but there were more waiting for the next round in the sink for when I got home.

Then Farrah said, "Oh my god...are they going to go into my room?!!"

"Of course they are!"

"Noooooo!"

Our conversations suddenly went from, "What if the TVs or computers were taken?" to "What if they see my bra, the mess on the floor, or dirty laundry?!!!"  Our idea of what mattered took a serious shift.  Hence, the title.

But here's what happened.  Three cops showed up, guns drawn, pounded on the outside of the house yelling, "Douglas County PD! Make yourself known!"  They repeated this three times and entered the house (we stayed in the car).  When the flashlights were on in Farrah's room, she freaked.  She freaked when they were in the office.  She sighed in relief when they were in the "hobby room" as it is the meditation and art room...so it's pretty awesome.  When they came out to tell me the house was clear, they also told me what had happened.

In my rush to get Twig ready, I checked the front door lock, but neglected to check the back door she had just come through.  I'd left my back door completely accessible.  We went around and checked the house, all the while apologizing for the mess and getting comments like, "Serious?  This is not bad.  This looks like most homes."  Whew!  I needed to save a little dignity for the obvious negligence on the safety of my home.  

The person who came in, did so by jumping my fence after a long hike through fields, walked up to my door, opened it, and simply let themselves in.  From there...nothing.  As of this moment, I can't see that anything was taken, moved, or even added!  The cops said sometimes when it's someone on drugs, they go for food.  Nope.  But I might take a double inventory of my refrigerator and pantry tomorrow.

While Farrah and I made jokes to lighten things up because our adrenaline was on overload, it was completely unnerving seeing those footprints go from my fence and stomp all the way to my door to which that person felt it was okay to simply walk in.  It was a holiday for most people...we could've been home!  Then what?  

But the joking around made us both feel better like, "They probably saw the self-help books and figured...nah, it would be cruel to take something from someone with this many books."  Or, "They hung up a painting that isn't even a quarter of the way finished (Farrah's) and they don't even have their coo-coo clock wound up - what's wrong with these people?"  And of course, "Ummm, there really isn't anything here I want or need.  I'm just going to go.  But I'll leave a clue...the open front door."

Honestly, had they not left the door open, I would never have known there was someone in my house.

There are funnier things that went through my head and were discussed with friends, but some of which I'm just too tired to mention nor do I feel I want to share tonight.  The adrenaline has died down, the headache kicked in over an hour ago, and I'm exhausted.

Farrah is sleeping with me, the porch light is on, other lights are on, and the dog is in the room with us.  But my dog has barked three times since the incident and since the cops left and each time my adrenaline spikes and I'm not sure if I need to grab a weapon.

And even though I checked every door and window 10 times before Farrah fell asleep...I checked another 10 times, since.

Farrah said it correctly, "They saw my pictures.  I feel so...violated."  Even in a moment like that, I had to praise her on her vocabulary.  Very accurate.

So, how I see it - this person (who seems to have been a female), walked up to my porch after a hike, walked into my house without a care whether anyone was home or not since I had lights left on, then she walked across my living room to go out the front as a short cut to get through the community.  She literally took a stroll through my house.

Freakin' weird.

I apologize if this is a poorly written story, but I'm tired and still baffled by it all.  And now I have to sleep with the damn porch light on that beams into my room.  Awesome.  Thanks, asshole, for choosing my house.  As if I don't have other things to do....like laundry.